Here's what happened. I'd love to hear any thoughtful, constructive responses to any of whats below. Apologies for the total stream-of-consciousness writing...We're really struggling here.
thank you in advance.
I'm sleeping, he's arriving home at 12am; 'I don't like the shoes you got me', turning on the light, telling me the dog made a mess in the room, stomping through the room, and coming back and telling me 'I was so quiet, I didn't say anything.' or having the mindset of 'just drop it and move on, think of something else.'
I'm thinking: 'You're not even capable of self-inquiry/reflection; ask yourself--what did I do wrong? How can I find out? This is important to figure out.' How do you get by in life never having been taught to deal with other people's emotions??
Why does it need to escalate (in 20min) to me leaving the room to be by myself, turning on the light on you, and saying hurtful things to get you to just ask why are you mad (another 20 min)? You're only asking because you want to get it over with so you can sleep.
Honestly I can't even THINK straight while this is all going on.
There's two tiers of comprehension;
Level 1: This is the chain of events (this happened, and then this, and after that…).
Level 2: This is the pattern of behavior every time for me, and for her (I can't seem to ever ask what I did wrong or what to know. She can't seem to stop herself from escalating and is always wanting me to think I'm not perfect and figure out ways to address it).
I have to push and scream to get him to think about what Level 1 was to me. I end up repeating what the Level 2 is maybe 3 times each conversation (which happens once a week or so) but he can't arrive there himself OR articulate it.
I had a great day at work today, and I went to buy his shoes. He comes home and rejects them, AND on top of that refuse to acknowledge that he did anything wrong, thinking he's a saint and that I'm magically crazy... for AN HOUR. What is someone supposed to do and feel in that hour of him being this way?; leave the room to by oneself, turn on the light on you, and say hurtful things. that's what. (or maye not)
It could easily be: Dear, what did I do? you're upset. really, what did I do, I'm here to listen. I want to know what you're feeling. tell me. - ok, this, this, this, and this. - oh, I didn't even realize I did that. that really must not have felt good. Sorry, I was too tired when I came home and I guess I wasn't thinking properly - thanks for asking. - kiss, hug, sleep. 5 MINUTES. done.
why do i have to live like this? isn't it reasonable to expect work to be done by him (and of course me)?????? Do i have to coach him on this?
thank you in advance.
I'm sleeping, he's arriving home at 12am; 'I don't like the shoes you got me', turning on the light, telling me the dog made a mess in the room, stomping through the room, and coming back and telling me 'I was so quiet, I didn't say anything.' or having the mindset of 'just drop it and move on, think of something else.'
I'm thinking: 'You're not even capable of self-inquiry/reflection; ask yourself--what did I do wrong? How can I find out? This is important to figure out.' How do you get by in life never having been taught to deal with other people's emotions??
Why does it need to escalate (in 20min) to me leaving the room to be by myself, turning on the light on you, and saying hurtful things to get you to just ask why are you mad (another 20 min)? You're only asking because you want to get it over with so you can sleep.
Honestly I can't even THINK straight while this is all going on.
There's two tiers of comprehension;
Level 1: This is the chain of events (this happened, and then this, and after that…).
Level 2: This is the pattern of behavior every time for me, and for her (I can't seem to ever ask what I did wrong or what to know. She can't seem to stop herself from escalating and is always wanting me to think I'm not perfect and figure out ways to address it).
I have to push and scream to get him to think about what Level 1 was to me. I end up repeating what the Level 2 is maybe 3 times each conversation (which happens once a week or so) but he can't arrive there himself OR articulate it.
I had a great day at work today, and I went to buy his shoes. He comes home and rejects them, AND on top of that refuse to acknowledge that he did anything wrong, thinking he's a saint and that I'm magically crazy... for AN HOUR. What is someone supposed to do and feel in that hour of him being this way?; leave the room to by oneself, turn on the light on you, and say hurtful things. that's what. (or maye not)
It could easily be: Dear, what did I do? you're upset. really, what did I do, I'm here to listen. I want to know what you're feeling. tell me. - ok, this, this, this, and this. - oh, I didn't even realize I did that. that really must not have felt good. Sorry, I was too tired when I came home and I guess I wasn't thinking properly - thanks for asking. - kiss, hug, sleep. 5 MINUTES. done.
why do i have to live like this? isn't it reasonable to expect work to be done by him (and of course me)?????? Do i have to coach him on this?
Put the internet to work for you.
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