Of course, we'll need to deal with generalizations here. Let's say 80% of men and 80% of women. There will certainly be exceptions (note the women who post here about their LD husband), but I do think that these are exceptions.
I'll skip the "most men" and "most women" and the "I think"s. I really feel that I've discovered the meaning of life here (hah) and think that I can save every marriage (hah again). But seriously, if you agree let me know If you disagree, tell me what I've gotten wrong. It's helped turn my marriage from good to spectacular.
There is a theory that women want to have sex just as much as men do and for the same reasons; that they are attracted to their mate and because they enjoy sex. Therefore, if the woman isn't having sex as much as the guy would like, there are two things to be done. 1) Increase her attraction to you (work out, destabilize the relationship, be a "leader") or 2) Get better at sex. The problem is that women don't need to increase their attraction to get sex form men and, for the most part, they don't need to get better at sex. They can get plenty of sex without doing either of these things (although, they will probably get more if they do). I think that this is men projecting their feelings on to women. It doesn't hurt to be more attractive or improve your performance, but that isn't the key.
My theory is that men are HD (they want sex all the time with almost any woman who meets certain minimum requirements). Women have responsive desire. They think about sex often when the relationship is new and exciting, during an affair and when they are in a relationship they value that is threatened. However, once these special circumstances wear off, they are unlikely to spontaneously want sex. When it happens, they enjoy it well enough. It just isn't something that they are going to go out of their way for. Sex is the number 1 priority for men, it's considerably further down the list for women. So, when a relationship gets past the initial excitement phase, it's becomes a lower priority for women. And women, projecting their feelings onto men, think that it's also now a lower priority for men. They look at men that still expect the same amount of sex as before and think "what's wrong with him? Having sex 4-5 times a week is only something that happens in the early days". They got over wanting it all the time, they figure the man will feel the same way.
I think the best comparison is going to the gym. Most people have responsive desire as far as going to the gym. Hardly anyone just can't wait to go work out. No one wants to go to the gym (initially). You know it will feel good if you do, but it's a pain in the a$$. It's easy to put it off until another day. Can't go today because I'm tired. Too much work to do. My stomach hurts, I've got a headache. The kids need x. But, if you do go, you'll enjoy it. You'll feel good about yourself. The more you go, the more you'll enjoy it. Eventually, if you keep going to the gym, it'll become a priority. You'll make time for it.
If you have a good marriage, communicate, love each other and genuinely care about each other's happiness, this shouldn't be a problem. Your wife will have sex with you most of the time that you initiate. She'll initiate herself occasionally.
If you have a good marriage, love each other and genuinely care about each other's happiness but you rarely have sex and get turned down regularly when you initiate, then at least one of these things is not true. There is a possibility that she just doesn't understand how much this means to her husband and will come around if it's explained (and it's absolutely unbelievable how many husbands don't tell their wives that they are unhappy about this). Don't expect her to start wanting sex all the time just like you do. However, the more sex you have, the more she'll think about it and, usually, the more she'll want it.
If you talked about this and your wife didn't respond, put the marriage at risk. And don't whine! This will underscore just how important this is to you. If she still doesn't respond, then why would you want to be married to a selfish person that couldn't bother to inconvenience herself to make you happy?
I'll skip the "most men" and "most women" and the "I think"s. I really feel that I've discovered the meaning of life here (hah) and think that I can save every marriage (hah again). But seriously, if you agree let me know If you disagree, tell me what I've gotten wrong. It's helped turn my marriage from good to spectacular.
There is a theory that women want to have sex just as much as men do and for the same reasons; that they are attracted to their mate and because they enjoy sex. Therefore, if the woman isn't having sex as much as the guy would like, there are two things to be done. 1) Increase her attraction to you (work out, destabilize the relationship, be a "leader") or 2) Get better at sex. The problem is that women don't need to increase their attraction to get sex form men and, for the most part, they don't need to get better at sex. They can get plenty of sex without doing either of these things (although, they will probably get more if they do). I think that this is men projecting their feelings on to women. It doesn't hurt to be more attractive or improve your performance, but that isn't the key.
My theory is that men are HD (they want sex all the time with almost any woman who meets certain minimum requirements). Women have responsive desire. They think about sex often when the relationship is new and exciting, during an affair and when they are in a relationship they value that is threatened. However, once these special circumstances wear off, they are unlikely to spontaneously want sex. When it happens, they enjoy it well enough. It just isn't something that they are going to go out of their way for. Sex is the number 1 priority for men, it's considerably further down the list for women. So, when a relationship gets past the initial excitement phase, it's becomes a lower priority for women. And women, projecting their feelings onto men, think that it's also now a lower priority for men. They look at men that still expect the same amount of sex as before and think "what's wrong with him? Having sex 4-5 times a week is only something that happens in the early days". They got over wanting it all the time, they figure the man will feel the same way.
I think the best comparison is going to the gym. Most people have responsive desire as far as going to the gym. Hardly anyone just can't wait to go work out. No one wants to go to the gym (initially). You know it will feel good if you do, but it's a pain in the a$$. It's easy to put it off until another day. Can't go today because I'm tired. Too much work to do. My stomach hurts, I've got a headache. The kids need x. But, if you do go, you'll enjoy it. You'll feel good about yourself. The more you go, the more you'll enjoy it. Eventually, if you keep going to the gym, it'll become a priority. You'll make time for it.
If you have a good marriage, communicate, love each other and genuinely care about each other's happiness, this shouldn't be a problem. Your wife will have sex with you most of the time that you initiate. She'll initiate herself occasionally.
If you have a good marriage, love each other and genuinely care about each other's happiness but you rarely have sex and get turned down regularly when you initiate, then at least one of these things is not true. There is a possibility that she just doesn't understand how much this means to her husband and will come around if it's explained (and it's absolutely unbelievable how many husbands don't tell their wives that they are unhappy about this). Don't expect her to start wanting sex all the time just like you do. However, the more sex you have, the more she'll think about it and, usually, the more she'll want it.
If you talked about this and your wife didn't respond, put the marriage at risk. And don't whine! This will underscore just how important this is to you. If she still doesn't respond, then why would you want to be married to a selfish person that couldn't bother to inconvenience herself to make you happy?
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