My wife and I have been together for 6 years, married for almost 2 years. I have three lovely kids (11, 13, 15) from a previous marriage and I pretty much have full custody of the children.
My first marriage ended after 15 years when i discovered my x in the act of cheating with a good friend of mine. I was humiliated.
After some time alone I meet my current wife and romance blossomed, eventually she proposed to me and I said yes, happiest day of my life. She treats all three children beautifully and loves them very much, they also treat her like a mother. The relationship she has with them is wonderful.
All the way through the transition from my first marriage to this one I have attended therapy to deal with my insecurities which were mainly driven by my childhood and primarily the infidelity of the first marriage.
there has never been any infidelity in my current marriage from either of us. Initially my wife knew I was insecure and allowed was understanding of my doubts, my need to ask her about texts and or people etc. This became much worse for me in the last few months.
Early this year I lost a close family member and it sent me into a spin of insecurity and just prior to this my wife won a new job. She started making new friends and spending long days at work, losing weight, becoming less intimate and generally withdrawing from me. I came to understand that across the course of our relationship that I had eroded the trust by checking her phone, ipad, emails etc.
It came to a head 3 months ago and i checked for the last time and as a result we ended up at therapist who I had been seeing about dealing with the death of a my close family member. The therapist suggested a 3 month separation. We both agreed.
We are now coming to the end of that and during that time I have done a great deal of work on myself with my therapist and I am learning a great deal about why I am so insecure and vulnerable.
I have written to my wife and delivered heart felt and meaningful support directed and assisted by my therapist. Not pathetic begging to to come back etc, more of an update about my progress and my hopes for a future for our family.
A great deal of this has been poorly received and she does not believe I have been working hard and learning, which more than anything is tragic.
I am due for a session with her now after the period and it appears our separation will continue based on our interactions.
She still sees the children and attend things with me, communicates with me. I understand that I have lost a great deal of her trust and she is hurt and angry over my checking, I have truly owned that behaviour with her and accepted that violation, she thanked me for doing that. She said, " I love you but I am not sure I can ever get past this" Things will never be the same?" I told her that she was right to feel that way and things would not be the same, they would be different and with work would be better.
My progress is coming along well and I feel empowered and ready, she isn't seeing the therapist regularly, I think she will move to seeing therapist more regularly after our next appointment. She trusts her immensely as she has worked with her in the past but is open to it.
She has undertaken to take care of the children into the new year, attend medical appointments, help me to care when required. I know she hasn't written us off, but is so angry and hurt still. My therapist feels that the anger, hurt and loss of trust is the block, but is definitely repairable.
I'm consistent in my support and responses to her, Im available and considerate. She sees that I am surviving without her atm, she does she me improving and coping ok. I have accepted that she needs more time.
My therapist feels I have made superb progress and my need to check on her is gone even when triggers hit, I have the tools and understand where some of those feeling come from and I am managing them well.
My therapist feels that I must just hold myself and continue of this path of self improvement, understanding I am a great father and husband and that I am worthy of good things. I have started believing this and my life is so positive, but having my beautiful wife back is what I would like.
She ebbs and flows, one day she is great and the next she is distant and non responsive. During this time she always stays in touch with the kids. Family are supporting us both.
I knows it early days and time is needed and more work and consistency needs to be seen by her. I never react to her anger other than to accept and acknowledge it. I love her and don't want to lose her, is there anything else that I could be doing other than being continuing my work on myself (with my therapist) and being patient, available and caring?
Holding onto hope :-)
My first marriage ended after 15 years when i discovered my x in the act of cheating with a good friend of mine. I was humiliated.
After some time alone I meet my current wife and romance blossomed, eventually she proposed to me and I said yes, happiest day of my life. She treats all three children beautifully and loves them very much, they also treat her like a mother. The relationship she has with them is wonderful.
All the way through the transition from my first marriage to this one I have attended therapy to deal with my insecurities which were mainly driven by my childhood and primarily the infidelity of the first marriage.
there has never been any infidelity in my current marriage from either of us. Initially my wife knew I was insecure and allowed was understanding of my doubts, my need to ask her about texts and or people etc. This became much worse for me in the last few months.
Early this year I lost a close family member and it sent me into a spin of insecurity and just prior to this my wife won a new job. She started making new friends and spending long days at work, losing weight, becoming less intimate and generally withdrawing from me. I came to understand that across the course of our relationship that I had eroded the trust by checking her phone, ipad, emails etc.
It came to a head 3 months ago and i checked for the last time and as a result we ended up at therapist who I had been seeing about dealing with the death of a my close family member. The therapist suggested a 3 month separation. We both agreed.
We are now coming to the end of that and during that time I have done a great deal of work on myself with my therapist and I am learning a great deal about why I am so insecure and vulnerable.
I have written to my wife and delivered heart felt and meaningful support directed and assisted by my therapist. Not pathetic begging to to come back etc, more of an update about my progress and my hopes for a future for our family.
A great deal of this has been poorly received and she does not believe I have been working hard and learning, which more than anything is tragic.
I am due for a session with her now after the period and it appears our separation will continue based on our interactions.
She still sees the children and attend things with me, communicates with me. I understand that I have lost a great deal of her trust and she is hurt and angry over my checking, I have truly owned that behaviour with her and accepted that violation, she thanked me for doing that. She said, " I love you but I am not sure I can ever get past this" Things will never be the same?" I told her that she was right to feel that way and things would not be the same, they would be different and with work would be better.
My progress is coming along well and I feel empowered and ready, she isn't seeing the therapist regularly, I think she will move to seeing therapist more regularly after our next appointment. She trusts her immensely as she has worked with her in the past but is open to it.
She has undertaken to take care of the children into the new year, attend medical appointments, help me to care when required. I know she hasn't written us off, but is so angry and hurt still. My therapist feels that the anger, hurt and loss of trust is the block, but is definitely repairable.
I'm consistent in my support and responses to her, Im available and considerate. She sees that I am surviving without her atm, she does she me improving and coping ok. I have accepted that she needs more time.
My therapist feels I have made superb progress and my need to check on her is gone even when triggers hit, I have the tools and understand where some of those feeling come from and I am managing them well.
My therapist feels that I must just hold myself and continue of this path of self improvement, understanding I am a great father and husband and that I am worthy of good things. I have started believing this and my life is so positive, but having my beautiful wife back is what I would like.
She ebbs and flows, one day she is great and the next she is distant and non responsive. During this time she always stays in touch with the kids. Family are supporting us both.
I knows it early days and time is needed and more work and consistency needs to be seen by her. I never react to her anger other than to accept and acknowledge it. I love her and don't want to lose her, is there anything else that I could be doing other than being continuing my work on myself (with my therapist) and being patient, available and caring?
Holding onto hope :-)
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