Well, perhaps I am overstating, but I have a huge dilemma. I am a 30 year old physician, I have been with my fiance for almost two years. I am in the midst of planning our wedding, which is set to take place next spring...all should be bliss. Alas, no. My fiance's mother is a neurotic control freak. She always wants to be in charge of everything, always wants it done her way. Even though my family is paying for the wedding, she is clearly pissed that she isn't getting what she considers to be enough input. She is trying to turn the rehearsal dinner, which she is planning, into a bigger deal than the wedding. She has expressed dissatisfaction secretly behind my back about everything from our choice of venue to the timing of the wedding (she wanted us to do it at the same hotel she had her second wedding at, instead of the vineyard we chose. She also wanted us to plan the thing in 6 months, rather than a year and half because she wanted her demented, 93 yea r old mother to be there...no regard for the fact I have a very demanding work schedule and there are 120 other guests to consider). But the problem is, she is also a very phony person who likes to promote her "emily post etiquette." She didn't like that we wanted to ditch the gift registry in favor of asking guests to help fund our honeymoon because it isn't "traditional enough." I am only half jewish and non practicing, which I know is a sore spot for her. She purchased expensive temple memberships for both my fiance and I, even though she knows I am an atheist and neither of us want to attend regularly. It is all very manipulative attempt on her part to dictate how we live our lives.
Just for an example, I am 5 foot 9 and weigh about 138 lbs. I run 5 miles almost every morning before work.We were sitting at lunch a couple months back and she said "so, do you think the guests will be able to lift you up in the chair for the hora?" I was shocked. I thought I must have misunderstood her, and even my fiance started to panic and tried to redirect. When I asked her what she meant, she said "Yeah, do you think they will be able to lift you?" I can only think this was some nasty underhanded shot at me, since she knows via my fiance that I am self conscious about my weight (I used to be 25lbs heavier). I know I should have called her out on it, but she caught me off guard and it was just stunned silence from me. I am sure that was her intent. She goes back and forth between patronizing and passive aggressive. The problem is, while my fiance does recognize her controlling behavior and many of her flaws (he calls her tactless), he still defends her. He and I have go tten into many fights over this stuff, and he tells me I should be focusing on all the nice things she has done for me, not the negative stuff. The truth is, other than treat me to a couple meals out, she really hasn't done that much that I am aware of. She is very superficial and wrapped up in appearances. She always wants to look like she has money, education, etc etc...more than she does. So in return, giving expensive gifts or giving my fiance extra money so he can treat me to nicer things is her way of keeping a tight leash on the situation. Money is how she keeps control. The thing is, I just started in private practice and the money is starting to come in. I want us to build a life together and cut the parental financial ties. However, I saw a text message from her last night indicating that she would be giving him the money to pay for the honeymoon! Crazy! The save the dates went out last week and everyone has been saying how pretty they look...I got no message from his mom, and when I asked him if she'd said anything to him, he told me she complained that the post office had stamped the card multiple times and damaged it. Not a single compliment, nothing! I'm sure she thinks my family is incapable of putting on a wedding anywhere near up to her standards....which is just stupid because we have a very generous budget, a good planner, and my mom has wonderful taste. We are choosing only classy, beautiful options. But I know simply by virtue of the fact she isn't planning this thing, and she can't take credit, she will hate it all. She will skulk in the wings and try to damage it other ways, like making underhanded swipes at me. She is even requesting that not only she and my finances biological father walk him down the aisle, she wants the step-parents to follow, and her mother and mother in law to also walk down. She wants HER whole family "honored" as she puts it. What about my family? Only my parents are walking me down the aisle. I'm not parading three generations of extended family down. This feels like more attempts on her part to overshadow me and my loved ones on the big day. She's also demanding to know now, 9 months in advance, what time the photo sessions will start so she can book her hair and makeup accordingly...I haven't even booked my own. She was texting me at almost midnight wanting an answer, and wanting to know what color dress my mother would be wearing. Pathological. She is hypersensitive, and is constantly policing everyone else etiquette. However, she herself is socially oblivious and tactless. The problem is, because she elevates and celebrates my fiance at every turn (only child), he is bound to defend her.
He accuses of me of not trying to get to know her and bond with her. But the truth is, that is impossible. She doesn't want to let people get to know her. That would make her too vulnerable. She wants you to believe the phony persona she shows the world. Even my fiance doesn't seem to know much about her viewpoints, beliefs, etc. He even admitted to me that every friend who has ever met her feels like she asks them a million questions but never reveals anything about herself. This is just such a hard thing to navigate. I love my fiance, but this is a sticking point that we fight about a lot. It will only get worse when kids come along! Any thoughts or similar experiences.
Just for an example, I am 5 foot 9 and weigh about 138 lbs. I run 5 miles almost every morning before work.We were sitting at lunch a couple months back and she said "so, do you think the guests will be able to lift you up in the chair for the hora?" I was shocked. I thought I must have misunderstood her, and even my fiance started to panic and tried to redirect. When I asked her what she meant, she said "Yeah, do you think they will be able to lift you?" I can only think this was some nasty underhanded shot at me, since she knows via my fiance that I am self conscious about my weight (I used to be 25lbs heavier). I know I should have called her out on it, but she caught me off guard and it was just stunned silence from me. I am sure that was her intent. She goes back and forth between patronizing and passive aggressive. The problem is, while my fiance does recognize her controlling behavior and many of her flaws (he calls her tactless), he still defends her. He and I have go tten into many fights over this stuff, and he tells me I should be focusing on all the nice things she has done for me, not the negative stuff. The truth is, other than treat me to a couple meals out, she really hasn't done that much that I am aware of. She is very superficial and wrapped up in appearances. She always wants to look like she has money, education, etc etc...more than she does. So in return, giving expensive gifts or giving my fiance extra money so he can treat me to nicer things is her way of keeping a tight leash on the situation. Money is how she keeps control. The thing is, I just started in private practice and the money is starting to come in. I want us to build a life together and cut the parental financial ties. However, I saw a text message from her last night indicating that she would be giving him the money to pay for the honeymoon! Crazy! The save the dates went out last week and everyone has been saying how pretty they look...I got no message from his mom, and when I asked him if she'd said anything to him, he told me she complained that the post office had stamped the card multiple times and damaged it. Not a single compliment, nothing! I'm sure she thinks my family is incapable of putting on a wedding anywhere near up to her standards....which is just stupid because we have a very generous budget, a good planner, and my mom has wonderful taste. We are choosing only classy, beautiful options. But I know simply by virtue of the fact she isn't planning this thing, and she can't take credit, she will hate it all. She will skulk in the wings and try to damage it other ways, like making underhanded swipes at me. She is even requesting that not only she and my finances biological father walk him down the aisle, she wants the step-parents to follow, and her mother and mother in law to also walk down. She wants HER whole family "honored" as she puts it. What about my family? Only my parents are walking me down the aisle. I'm not parading three generations of extended family down. This feels like more attempts on her part to overshadow me and my loved ones on the big day. She's also demanding to know now, 9 months in advance, what time the photo sessions will start so she can book her hair and makeup accordingly...I haven't even booked my own. She was texting me at almost midnight wanting an answer, and wanting to know what color dress my mother would be wearing. Pathological. She is hypersensitive, and is constantly policing everyone else etiquette. However, she herself is socially oblivious and tactless. The problem is, because she elevates and celebrates my fiance at every turn (only child), he is bound to defend her.
He accuses of me of not trying to get to know her and bond with her. But the truth is, that is impossible. She doesn't want to let people get to know her. That would make her too vulnerable. She wants you to believe the phony persona she shows the world. Even my fiance doesn't seem to know much about her viewpoints, beliefs, etc. He even admitted to me that every friend who has ever met her feels like she asks them a million questions but never reveals anything about herself. This is just such a hard thing to navigate. I love my fiance, but this is a sticking point that we fight about a lot. It will only get worse when kids come along! Any thoughts or similar experiences.
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