Last week, I asked my H for a separation. It's been a long time in the making and I didn't give it up without a fight. Well H, however, says he wants to make it work. And I would want to make it work as well, if it were possible, but I'm really not sure that it is. Worse, right now on the heels of more of his BS, I don't really even WANT to. There's part of me that has started focusing on what life is going to be like when I don't live with him anymore. And it isn't fantasy stuff, just things like when I walk into the kitchen, the cabinet doors and drawers will be closed. You'd think I had poltergeist, but no, it's just my H.
And then there's the relationship-specific issues, like his lack of healthy boundaries and his defensiveness and his indifference to my issues in general, that make interacting with him in a healthy way nearly impossible for me even in the best of times.
So since I asked him for a separation, he's now in his typical over-drive 180 mode, like he is anytime after we've had a huge conflict. He's trying to convince me that it's different this time. He's reading up on defensiveness and boundaries and claims that he has really made great progress (in two days.) I look at the books he's reading -- two that he has had for years and has read before with no impact on his behavior -- and I just think, "Myeh." BTDT.
I just can't get excited because we've been here so many times before. Our cycles of conflict are almost scripted. Like an annoying person sitting behind you in a movie, issuing spoilers for every scene, I can very accurately tell you what's going to happen next. For example, in this scenario, he'll turn on the steam until I "buy" his sales pitch of how this time it's going to be different, and as soon as I start investing in the M again, he'll drop his efforts and revert back to his norm. He is the least-changing individual I have ever met in my life.
And then there's the anger and resentment I would most likely feel if he actually DID change this time. His behavior over the years has made my life hell, has put our M in free-fall, and he knew it. He always claimed he was working on my complaints, always claimed he was doing his "dead-level best." So then why would he suddenly be capable of addressing those issues when it's the end of our M? My answer to that question doesn't endear him to me at all.
Of course, the first hurdle is believing the change is really going to happen, the second being my resentment if he did. But even if I got past those, I think the biggest hurdle is the internal form of self-protection reflex that I've developed from the previous years of conflict. It's almost a mini PTSD reaction (not to minimize the real thing, of course.) But I relate it to a bad experience I had with a Baby Ruth candy bar years ago. The details are irrelevant, but the experience resulted in it being over a decade before I could even consider eating another one. So even though I could "intellectually" rationalize that it wasn't likely to happen again, the thought would still make me physically nauseous. When I think about reconciling with my H, I can feel a bio-physical flight reaction (fight vs. flight) in response to the mere thought of it. How the heck do I get over that????
A MC told us years ago that women reach a point when they're just "done." I can completely relate to that. I guess I always thought it was an intellectual decision. Now I'm beginning to feel like it's actually a physical/mental limitation, and the decision is made for us by our sub-conscious.
Can anyone else relate to this?
And then there's the relationship-specific issues, like his lack of healthy boundaries and his defensiveness and his indifference to my issues in general, that make interacting with him in a healthy way nearly impossible for me even in the best of times.
So since I asked him for a separation, he's now in his typical over-drive 180 mode, like he is anytime after we've had a huge conflict. He's trying to convince me that it's different this time. He's reading up on defensiveness and boundaries and claims that he has really made great progress (in two days.) I look at the books he's reading -- two that he has had for years and has read before with no impact on his behavior -- and I just think, "Myeh." BTDT.
I just can't get excited because we've been here so many times before. Our cycles of conflict are almost scripted. Like an annoying person sitting behind you in a movie, issuing spoilers for every scene, I can very accurately tell you what's going to happen next. For example, in this scenario, he'll turn on the steam until I "buy" his sales pitch of how this time it's going to be different, and as soon as I start investing in the M again, he'll drop his efforts and revert back to his norm. He is the least-changing individual I have ever met in my life.
And then there's the anger and resentment I would most likely feel if he actually DID change this time. His behavior over the years has made my life hell, has put our M in free-fall, and he knew it. He always claimed he was working on my complaints, always claimed he was doing his "dead-level best." So then why would he suddenly be capable of addressing those issues when it's the end of our M? My answer to that question doesn't endear him to me at all.
Of course, the first hurdle is believing the change is really going to happen, the second being my resentment if he did. But even if I got past those, I think the biggest hurdle is the internal form of self-protection reflex that I've developed from the previous years of conflict. It's almost a mini PTSD reaction (not to minimize the real thing, of course.) But I relate it to a bad experience I had with a Baby Ruth candy bar years ago. The details are irrelevant, but the experience resulted in it being over a decade before I could even consider eating another one. So even though I could "intellectually" rationalize that it wasn't likely to happen again, the thought would still make me physically nauseous. When I think about reconciling with my H, I can feel a bio-physical flight reaction (fight vs. flight) in response to the mere thought of it. How the heck do I get over that????
A MC told us years ago that women reach a point when they're just "done." I can completely relate to that. I guess I always thought it was an intellectual decision. Now I'm beginning to feel like it's actually a physical/mental limitation, and the decision is made for us by our sub-conscious.
Can anyone else relate to this?
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