Sorry about the long story…
Hi
I am 29 years old man. Have been married since past 5 years now. I want to discuss and seek help from you on my marital situation and what should I do. I and my wife had an love marriage( met in college). 4 years of love affair and we were married at the age of 24. My wife is the only child and her father was Judge in judiciary. My father was Senior Architect in Govt job. Both of us hail from the same home town. Both of our mothers are house wife. I have two sisters married in the same place, close to where my parents stay. My wife is extremely pampered child, and her parents to this date , listens to everything she says.
The problem I face is two-fold:
1. My wife wants her parents to move with us.
2. And I feel she wants cut-off from my parents, extended family and friends( pre-marriage close friends, almost no one remains close now).
3. She says I have to do to her parents three time what I do to my parents, because she is the only child and my parents have three children. And when I ask to return her something good to my parents, she says that I shouldn't compare/expect in return because she doesn't like my parents and that they have never done anything good to me or her(which I disagree).
4. She abuses me , physically , emotionally and verbally.
5. My wife considers herself a victim
Frankly speaking, on point 1, I don't mind her parents staying close to us and we taking care of them. I do understand she is the lone child and we are the only ones to take care of them. But I don't appreciate them staying with us because her father is very adamant & dogmatic(being in that position as a judge) , her mother always supports her daughter no matter what(being a single child), and I have to behave in a certain way when they are around. And also I have a fear that if they come to stay with me, the distance between me and my parents will increase.
For second point, the reason is that she doesn't let me do anything for my parents. She checks my phone on how many times I have called them, questions me why did you call them twice today. And keeps telling me that I shouldn't talk to them much. Also we have fights on smaller of issues like why did you tell them what we ate, or where we went(not that I tell everything, just sometimes you do things out of subconscious mind). She tells me that they will be sad/jealous to know that we are happy. But she tells her parents everything, they talk atleast 6 times in a day, right from what she ate to what she wore to what I did… We have argument on these things and she brings everything from the past(Day 1 of marriage) and if I say anything like, your mother also said like this, then she goes violent and starts throwing & breaking objects around and hitting me. She can't tolerate me saying anything about them, (not offensive, even if I say like…" so what your parents also come to stay with us") . She even doesn't like my sisters/their husbands or anyone for that matter in my extended family. And we also fight whenever I talk to my sisters/brother in law's or if I request her to wish them on their birthdays . During fights, she breaks thing that are important to me , she never breaks her stuff. All my stuff or things that impact me or are neutral to house ( example, my watch, landline phone(I take calls from home), router, Iron, cooler, glasses, plates, viper, mosquito killer….) have been broken.
My wife thinks she has been married in a poor house, although I earn good and we use my salary to run the house and we are not poor, although her dad was/is in a powerful position. We have two cars(one dedicated for each person) , and have a flat booked for which possession is delayed, hence we stay in rented accommodation in one of best locations. She keeps her salary with herself and is now planning to take a flat with her father.
My father contributed 50 percent for the flat and the property is registered against my and my wife's name. My wife also contributed 15 percent for flat from her onsite salary post marriage( we were both onsite for 1 year), rest she has kept with her. She hates my parents, doesn't like my parents coming to my place, whenever we go to our native, she always stays at her parents place and I stay half time at each place. She goes to meet my parents once or twice and even then most of the time she complains/fights.
The situation was not like this from Day 1 of marriage and had gone worse. She used to go to my place earlier, but gradually with time , owing to various factors, not sure what exactly but I think- like her salary has increased, & I don't do vice-versa with her parents, I believe she is changing for worse. And I think, not sure pls correct me, she thinks that there isn't anything to lose if she misbehave with my parents.
My parents have not come to visit me since last one year , because the last time they were around for 15 days , my wife abused and threatened them and they left the home uninformed, took a train and went back. They are very worried that if they come, we will again fight. On the other hand, her parents have come to my place 4 times in last one year, each for 15 days and I had travelled outstation for 5 weeks, my wife was with them(at my native place). Almost this year from Jan, they have been together with her for 5 months. His father now retires from a commission meant for retired judges, and she wants them to permanently move with us, and they also want the same.
The problem with my parents is that they don't have good manners and they are economical in spending money. My wife on the other hand is extravagant. If my parents get tired, they would say we are tired and we cannot go or cannot cook . They don't like buying and giving expensive gifts. They are old and worry about their health. All this doesn't go well with my wife and she thinks that they are miser, selfish, and don't think about anyone else.
I & my parents wanted to stay close to me post marriage but things have changed and hence I realised that this cannot be the case anymore and dropped the idea. I & my wife had fights related to this as well. Ex. She said if they will contribute for flat , they can stay with us, but after we took money from them , she changed.
Another problem is that my wife considers herself a victim in this case and cries a lot. So when she breaks things or hits me, she cries. But her frustration is growing up day by day and she is not ready to leave past thoughts behind. I have also proposed her that if you don't like my family, have a hello hi relationship and let me do my duties accordingly but she doesn't let me do that. She talks to my parents once in a week for 2 mins, and I talk to her parents 2ce daily. She wants me to focus on her and her parents and leave my parents, extended family out of my life because she thinks they haven't done anything good to her. She threatens me of divorce a lot.
I still love my wife a lot, and don't want to do any harm to her or her parents but am not sure whether it makes sense to continue this marriage or dissolve this before we have a baby. Not sure if situation will ever improve or what can I do to improve situation. I want to end frustrations for both of us and live happily. I left eating non veg 2 years back because I thought killing and eating someone is a sin and might be impacting my relation. But that hasn't helped and God has not been kind.
There are so many other things I want to say but this is getting long so I will leave it here…Please please please let me know if I can do anything that can change the situation. Help! Help! Help! God will bless you..
Hi
I am 29 years old man. Have been married since past 5 years now. I want to discuss and seek help from you on my marital situation and what should I do. I and my wife had an love marriage( met in college). 4 years of love affair and we were married at the age of 24. My wife is the only child and her father was Judge in judiciary. My father was Senior Architect in Govt job. Both of us hail from the same home town. Both of our mothers are house wife. I have two sisters married in the same place, close to where my parents stay. My wife is extremely pampered child, and her parents to this date , listens to everything she says.
The problem I face is two-fold:
1. My wife wants her parents to move with us.
2. And I feel she wants cut-off from my parents, extended family and friends( pre-marriage close friends, almost no one remains close now).
3. She says I have to do to her parents three time what I do to my parents, because she is the only child and my parents have three children. And when I ask to return her something good to my parents, she says that I shouldn't compare/expect in return because she doesn't like my parents and that they have never done anything good to me or her(which I disagree).
4. She abuses me , physically , emotionally and verbally.
5. My wife considers herself a victim
Frankly speaking, on point 1, I don't mind her parents staying close to us and we taking care of them. I do understand she is the lone child and we are the only ones to take care of them. But I don't appreciate them staying with us because her father is very adamant & dogmatic(being in that position as a judge) , her mother always supports her daughter no matter what(being a single child), and I have to behave in a certain way when they are around. And also I have a fear that if they come to stay with me, the distance between me and my parents will increase.
For second point, the reason is that she doesn't let me do anything for my parents. She checks my phone on how many times I have called them, questions me why did you call them twice today. And keeps telling me that I shouldn't talk to them much. Also we have fights on smaller of issues like why did you tell them what we ate, or where we went(not that I tell everything, just sometimes you do things out of subconscious mind). She tells me that they will be sad/jealous to know that we are happy. But she tells her parents everything, they talk atleast 6 times in a day, right from what she ate to what she wore to what I did… We have argument on these things and she brings everything from the past(Day 1 of marriage) and if I say anything like, your mother also said like this, then she goes violent and starts throwing & breaking objects around and hitting me. She can't tolerate me saying anything about them, (not offensive, even if I say like…" so what your parents also come to stay with us") . She even doesn't like my sisters/their husbands or anyone for that matter in my extended family. And we also fight whenever I talk to my sisters/brother in law's or if I request her to wish them on their birthdays . During fights, she breaks thing that are important to me , she never breaks her stuff. All my stuff or things that impact me or are neutral to house ( example, my watch, landline phone(I take calls from home), router, Iron, cooler, glasses, plates, viper, mosquito killer….) have been broken.
My wife thinks she has been married in a poor house, although I earn good and we use my salary to run the house and we are not poor, although her dad was/is in a powerful position. We have two cars(one dedicated for each person) , and have a flat booked for which possession is delayed, hence we stay in rented accommodation in one of best locations. She keeps her salary with herself and is now planning to take a flat with her father.
My father contributed 50 percent for the flat and the property is registered against my and my wife's name. My wife also contributed 15 percent for flat from her onsite salary post marriage( we were both onsite for 1 year), rest she has kept with her. She hates my parents, doesn't like my parents coming to my place, whenever we go to our native, she always stays at her parents place and I stay half time at each place. She goes to meet my parents once or twice and even then most of the time she complains/fights.
The situation was not like this from Day 1 of marriage and had gone worse. She used to go to my place earlier, but gradually with time , owing to various factors, not sure what exactly but I think- like her salary has increased, & I don't do vice-versa with her parents, I believe she is changing for worse. And I think, not sure pls correct me, she thinks that there isn't anything to lose if she misbehave with my parents.
My parents have not come to visit me since last one year , because the last time they were around for 15 days , my wife abused and threatened them and they left the home uninformed, took a train and went back. They are very worried that if they come, we will again fight. On the other hand, her parents have come to my place 4 times in last one year, each for 15 days and I had travelled outstation for 5 weeks, my wife was with them(at my native place). Almost this year from Jan, they have been together with her for 5 months. His father now retires from a commission meant for retired judges, and she wants them to permanently move with us, and they also want the same.
The problem with my parents is that they don't have good manners and they are economical in spending money. My wife on the other hand is extravagant. If my parents get tired, they would say we are tired and we cannot go or cannot cook . They don't like buying and giving expensive gifts. They are old and worry about their health. All this doesn't go well with my wife and she thinks that they are miser, selfish, and don't think about anyone else.
I & my parents wanted to stay close to me post marriage but things have changed and hence I realised that this cannot be the case anymore and dropped the idea. I & my wife had fights related to this as well. Ex. She said if they will contribute for flat , they can stay with us, but after we took money from them , she changed.
Another problem is that my wife considers herself a victim in this case and cries a lot. So when she breaks things or hits me, she cries. But her frustration is growing up day by day and she is not ready to leave past thoughts behind. I have also proposed her that if you don't like my family, have a hello hi relationship and let me do my duties accordingly but she doesn't let me do that. She talks to my parents once in a week for 2 mins, and I talk to her parents 2ce daily. She wants me to focus on her and her parents and leave my parents, extended family out of my life because she thinks they haven't done anything good to her. She threatens me of divorce a lot.
I still love my wife a lot, and don't want to do any harm to her or her parents but am not sure whether it makes sense to continue this marriage or dissolve this before we have a baby. Not sure if situation will ever improve or what can I do to improve situation. I want to end frustrations for both of us and live happily. I left eating non veg 2 years back because I thought killing and eating someone is a sin and might be impacting my relation. But that hasn't helped and God has not been kind.
There are so many other things I want to say but this is getting long so I will leave it here…Please please please let me know if I can do anything that can change the situation. Help! Help! Help! God will bless you..
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