Can someone please knock some sense into my head ? It's been 6 weeks since dday and i'm still reeling and disgusted by the man i call husband. I'm 34 homemaker and he's 36 working as a vp. I'm losing my mind and i really need guidance. He just got promotion about a year ago and started to had more meetings and late night works, i trusted him and had no suspicions at all. I thought more work hours is normal. He also drifted away emotion wise,he stopped caring about our 4 kids and complained that they are too unruly. Well the kids are all below 7, and they are being normal. When he came home my eldest sons would run to him and asked for hugs, usually he liked it but he started to hate it even once shoved them away. I thought he was too tired with work so i tried to talked to him but he never said anything and that i bothered him. He lost weight and bought new clothes. God all the signs were there but i didn't see it, we've been together for 19 years so i trusted him. Guess i was too stupid right ? :(
About 6 weeks ago i received a package with untraceable sender address, it contained extensive records of emails and a dvd. The papers was too thick so i played the dvd first, it also marked with date. It shows him having all kind of sex (including anal) with his assistant, the first date was oct 2013 but based on their email records they started having sex in his office 2 months after the first one in hotel. The camera was placed behind his desk so i had the pleasure to witnessed all of it,including her giving him bj during phone calls. The dates shows that it happened almost daily. In the emails she also thanked him multiple time for the nice lingeries (incl $160 babydoll) , nice dinner and all gifts (perfume, necklace, shoes,etc) he gave to her. Since our last kid he never take me out for nice dinner or buy me any gift but he wined and dined and gave his 26 yo mistress jewelry, WTF ?
I confronted him at night but i really had no energy to be angry,i felt (still feeling) like a walking death so i just sat there,skipped to the worst part and made him watched it. He turned it off after a minute or so and started panicking. I just cried and cried, he said he's sorry and still loves me but he did it because sex with me wasn't good. He said i gain too much weight after 4 kids (i was 11lbs heavier than my high school time, now i'm down 23lbs) and that it looked like i had no intention to lose it, i said i had no time for exercise. I was too dysfunctional so the more he talked me down the more i cried. He said i paid him no attention and not excited with our sex life, well i have to took care of 4 kids including 2 toddlers so off course i got tired at night. That part wasn't really true, i tried to be intimate to him but he was always too busy, i asked him why he never talked to me about his dissatisfaction and he switched to another topic. He said that she was always excited while i'm not, i said that off course his assistant is excited, she doesn't have to take care of 4 kids and run a house, she has times for 1 hour of makeup and another for hair blowdry, when the hell a mom of 4 like me will get that kind of time ? I wanted 1 kid but he's the one who wanted big family, looks like he doesn't like the price that comes with it. I was just a babysitter and a maid that he can f*ck !
He doesn't live with us now, he's in some rented apartment. He sent me flowers,gifts and begged me to forgive him and said that he was stupid and that it was a mistake but i just can't decide, my emotion and mind are not in check. I've had 2 breakdowns since dday and i turned to this sad angry woman that i hate. In my heart i want to keep our family together so my kids will grow up with 2 parents, i guess i want to believe him when he said that he's sorry and that it was a mistake and i should try to forgive him but my head keep telling me to get out now and run, just run and don't look back, that me and my kids deserved better. Even if we go r nothing will be the same anymore, i don't think i can go down on him after what he did, even imagining me doing it makes my skin crawled.
So what to choose, head or heart ?
About 6 weeks ago i received a package with untraceable sender address, it contained extensive records of emails and a dvd. The papers was too thick so i played the dvd first, it also marked with date. It shows him having all kind of sex (including anal) with his assistant, the first date was oct 2013 but based on their email records they started having sex in his office 2 months after the first one in hotel. The camera was placed behind his desk so i had the pleasure to witnessed all of it,including her giving him bj during phone calls. The dates shows that it happened almost daily. In the emails she also thanked him multiple time for the nice lingeries (incl $160 babydoll) , nice dinner and all gifts (perfume, necklace, shoes,etc) he gave to her. Since our last kid he never take me out for nice dinner or buy me any gift but he wined and dined and gave his 26 yo mistress jewelry, WTF ?
I confronted him at night but i really had no energy to be angry,i felt (still feeling) like a walking death so i just sat there,skipped to the worst part and made him watched it. He turned it off after a minute or so and started panicking. I just cried and cried, he said he's sorry and still loves me but he did it because sex with me wasn't good. He said i gain too much weight after 4 kids (i was 11lbs heavier than my high school time, now i'm down 23lbs) and that it looked like i had no intention to lose it, i said i had no time for exercise. I was too dysfunctional so the more he talked me down the more i cried. He said i paid him no attention and not excited with our sex life, well i have to took care of 4 kids including 2 toddlers so off course i got tired at night. That part wasn't really true, i tried to be intimate to him but he was always too busy, i asked him why he never talked to me about his dissatisfaction and he switched to another topic. He said that she was always excited while i'm not, i said that off course his assistant is excited, she doesn't have to take care of 4 kids and run a house, she has times for 1 hour of makeup and another for hair blowdry, when the hell a mom of 4 like me will get that kind of time ? I wanted 1 kid but he's the one who wanted big family, looks like he doesn't like the price that comes with it. I was just a babysitter and a maid that he can f*ck !
He doesn't live with us now, he's in some rented apartment. He sent me flowers,gifts and begged me to forgive him and said that he was stupid and that it was a mistake but i just can't decide, my emotion and mind are not in check. I've had 2 breakdowns since dday and i turned to this sad angry woman that i hate. In my heart i want to keep our family together so my kids will grow up with 2 parents, i guess i want to believe him when he said that he's sorry and that it was a mistake and i should try to forgive him but my head keep telling me to get out now and run, just run and don't look back, that me and my kids deserved better. Even if we go r nothing will be the same anymore, i don't think i can go down on him after what he did, even imagining me doing it makes my skin crawled.
So what to choose, head or heart ?
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