I am sorry for the long rant. I dont have a support system and I dont know where else to vent. Where am I in my marriage? My wife and I have been married for 7 years, together for 10. We have two kids, 4 and 2, and they are wonderful.
The last few years have been difficult for our marriage. Having two kids back-to-back was a marathon and unless it was taking care of the kids, we did not have time. We both put them ahead of everything. When we had free time, we took turns spending it on ourselves. The marriage took a back seat.
Fast forward to a year ago. Things with the kids were easing up. We had more free time but we did not spend it with each other. We tried to reconnect in fits and starts, but nothing materialized. I felt her slipping away.
At first it was sexual, she was just not interested. Was it me? Was I being too pedestrian? Did I let myself go too much? We both had, but I still desired her greatly. Then she started talking about feeling like she lost herself, like she was just a wife and a mother. She lost herself.
So I gave space. She started working out, making a social network. She found friends she liked going out with. She started dancing again. I didnt think twice when she would go out by herself. I never had a reason to distrust her. It progressed into happy hours, nights with the girls, and even a weekend at a friends house in a different city.
During all this I made a few attempts to reconnect. At a nice dinner out, she told me, "Nights like this I feel attracted to you again." She meant it as a nice thing, but really, I read between the lines. I guess this means you are not attracted to me all the other times?
The sex dried up. It was only when I initiated, and most of the time I was rejected. I could deal with it, even though it hurt, but the warmth and affection dried up as well. The simple things I really craved -- a kiss, a hug, laying next to me close in bed -- it all went away. Then when day in the kitchen she pulled a matrix move to avoid brushing up against me when she walked by in the kitchen.
Recently the "space" became a canyon. We took a long overdue family vacation, our first really, on a cruise. It was all her idea, she even booked it. The first day on the cruise she went down to book a massage. When she came back, she had booked so many different spa sessions that it meant all our alone time was gone. Our chance to reconnect was slipping again.
Things progressively got worse. We felt more like strangers. Her birthday was coming up, so I thought about planning her a special day. I talked to her about it at dinner, "I was going to surprise you, but since you might have to do this thing at work, why dont you choose? We could have a big BBQ with all your friends, an adult dinner with some other couples, or just a private dinner with me and you." That's when I knew something was wrong. She could not look at me in the eyes.
My gut told me to confront her. It was three in the morning, tossing and turning. I woke her up and asked her if something was going on. She denied it. I asked her to see her phone. She freaked. I told her if nothing is going on, then I am just an a**. Even though she was complaining, I found some things I did not like.
One was an exchange where she told a coworker she had just left and was in the parking lot. She had a bad day and needed a hug. She admitted he came to the parking lot but he was just a good friend who had been listening and helping her. Any older messages between them had been deleted.
In her trash email, I found an exchange that was way worse with another guy. He said he enjoyed talking to her, and would like her to come out for a drink sometime soon. He said, "I promise no transgressions, oh who am I kidding, I will probably try a thing or two." He made comments about how good she looked at work, and how he looked forward to seeing what she wearing every day. Then SHE proposed meeting him for a drink during the day after some function she needed to go by herself on a Saturday. They both agreed they would play it by ear. That weekend her sister came to visit, so she cancelled. She claims it was all a joke, she was never going to meet him. She was just flirting and playing along.
I could give her space to find herself, I could deal with the lack of warmth and intimacy, I could let go of the sex -- but this is too much.
Did she cheat? I dont know. She never struck me as that kind of person. She certainly put herself in a position to cheat. The day before I confronted her, she told me she really wanted to reconnect with me.
She swears nothing ever happened with anyone. She told me she loves me, is in love with me, and wants to get back to where we were.
Please, give me some perspective. I am in pain and I dont know what to do.
The last few years have been difficult for our marriage. Having two kids back-to-back was a marathon and unless it was taking care of the kids, we did not have time. We both put them ahead of everything. When we had free time, we took turns spending it on ourselves. The marriage took a back seat.
Fast forward to a year ago. Things with the kids were easing up. We had more free time but we did not spend it with each other. We tried to reconnect in fits and starts, but nothing materialized. I felt her slipping away.
At first it was sexual, she was just not interested. Was it me? Was I being too pedestrian? Did I let myself go too much? We both had, but I still desired her greatly. Then she started talking about feeling like she lost herself, like she was just a wife and a mother. She lost herself.
So I gave space. She started working out, making a social network. She found friends she liked going out with. She started dancing again. I didnt think twice when she would go out by herself. I never had a reason to distrust her. It progressed into happy hours, nights with the girls, and even a weekend at a friends house in a different city.
During all this I made a few attempts to reconnect. At a nice dinner out, she told me, "Nights like this I feel attracted to you again." She meant it as a nice thing, but really, I read between the lines. I guess this means you are not attracted to me all the other times?
The sex dried up. It was only when I initiated, and most of the time I was rejected. I could deal with it, even though it hurt, but the warmth and affection dried up as well. The simple things I really craved -- a kiss, a hug, laying next to me close in bed -- it all went away. Then when day in the kitchen she pulled a matrix move to avoid brushing up against me when she walked by in the kitchen.
Recently the "space" became a canyon. We took a long overdue family vacation, our first really, on a cruise. It was all her idea, she even booked it. The first day on the cruise she went down to book a massage. When she came back, she had booked so many different spa sessions that it meant all our alone time was gone. Our chance to reconnect was slipping again.
Things progressively got worse. We felt more like strangers. Her birthday was coming up, so I thought about planning her a special day. I talked to her about it at dinner, "I was going to surprise you, but since you might have to do this thing at work, why dont you choose? We could have a big BBQ with all your friends, an adult dinner with some other couples, or just a private dinner with me and you." That's when I knew something was wrong. She could not look at me in the eyes.
My gut told me to confront her. It was three in the morning, tossing and turning. I woke her up and asked her if something was going on. She denied it. I asked her to see her phone. She freaked. I told her if nothing is going on, then I am just an a**. Even though she was complaining, I found some things I did not like.
One was an exchange where she told a coworker she had just left and was in the parking lot. She had a bad day and needed a hug. She admitted he came to the parking lot but he was just a good friend who had been listening and helping her. Any older messages between them had been deleted.
In her trash email, I found an exchange that was way worse with another guy. He said he enjoyed talking to her, and would like her to come out for a drink sometime soon. He said, "I promise no transgressions, oh who am I kidding, I will probably try a thing or two." He made comments about how good she looked at work, and how he looked forward to seeing what she wearing every day. Then SHE proposed meeting him for a drink during the day after some function she needed to go by herself on a Saturday. They both agreed they would play it by ear. That weekend her sister came to visit, so she cancelled. She claims it was all a joke, she was never going to meet him. She was just flirting and playing along.
I could give her space to find herself, I could deal with the lack of warmth and intimacy, I could let go of the sex -- but this is too much.
Did she cheat? I dont know. She never struck me as that kind of person. She certainly put herself in a position to cheat. The day before I confronted her, she told me she really wanted to reconnect with me.
She swears nothing ever happened with anyone. She told me she loves me, is in love with me, and wants to get back to where we were.
Please, give me some perspective. I am in pain and I dont know what to do.
Put the internet to work for you.
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