I am not really sure I should be sharing this but I have nobody to talk to about my situation. I warn you it is very long. I met my boyfriend James when I was at uni and visited a bar he was working in. Things moved pretty quickly and he moved into my uni house about 10 months after we first got together. It was all great and we have lived together since then. Then last summer (July14) he invited one of his work friends, Tom round for some drinks and to play Xbox like guys do, I expected this guy to be strange as his other friends have all really creeped me out in the past. Anyway so he turns up and he's actually an alright guy. Polite and has a good sense of humour. Tom would come round fairly regularly or they would go out, so I got to know him more as we got along as friends too. He too was in a relationship at the time with a girl living away at uni so it was an LDR. Come October time I started having feelings for this guy, I liked him and whenever he came round we seemed to get on even better than before. We would flirt and my boyfriend really didn't seem fussed by this at all. He split with his girlfriend in November because he was going into the Army in January so didn't want to be in a relationship because it would be too difficult, only a month later he got together with another girl from my boyfriends and his old workplace. He used to say he just wanted to sleep with her and that she was hot, but she made it clear to him that she wasn't that kind of girl and wanted a relationship.
I just thought my feelings for him would evaporate and go away as I loved my boyfriend still but just liked the idea of this other guy. On New Years, Tom and his new girlfriend Sophie came round to ours, I went out to the kitchen to get something and Tom came in, we had a flirt and joke about and he said that if we had met earlier in life then something would have definitely have happened between us and that he liked me. Now I didn't say I had feelings for him because he was with this new girl and I was still with James. Fast forward to February, and he and I have been texting just general stuff like what we have been doing with the odd flirty one but nothing dirty or sexual. We went on a night out with some other friends and our partners and I ended up telling him that I liked him. So we both knew we liked each other.
This went on for months, again I was trying to just ignore the feelings for him and focus on my relationship with James. By now I felt like our relationship was becoming soured and I felt like just a friend to him. Mid May I said to James that after 3.5 years that I felt our relationship was becoming mundane and we never spent any quality time together. Particularly that he did not seem interested in making an effort with me anymore. He ended it with me and said he only saw me as a friend. I was heartbroken, I didn't think he would throw us away just like that.
Anyway we are still living together as we cannot afford to move out or pay rent on this place on our own so we are stuck here until September. I then found out less than a week after we split up that he was arranging to go on a date with one of my best friends. I had a total freak out about it as it felt like this had been happening behind my back before we had split up, because why else would they want to get together so quickly. I wasnt bothered that she was my friend, just that it happened so soon after we split. He was awful to me that whole week saying I was spineless and a bitch for not letting him move on. My "best friend" then messaged me and said she was sorry and that she was going to call it quits with him before it even started because of all the upset it had caused.
James then came to me and apologized and promised that he would never do something like that again, that it was stupid and he didn't want to hurt me as he still wanted to be friends. A week later my friend messaged me and said James has sent me messages saying he still wants us to get together and just keep it a secret from you. I then told him I wanted nothing more to do with him and that I was done. But having to live together meant that he has weedled his way back to being friends with me. I have said I cannot forget this and I will never trust him again, he is now desperate for us to get back together but I know that cannot happen.
Through all of this one friend really stuck by me, Tom. He isn't even speaking to James anymore after how he has treated me. We went out for a drink two weeks ago, just me and him and then met up with three of my uni friends to go clubbing for pretty much the whole night. Anyway my friends knew I liked him and said that it was obvious he likes me too. They took him off and were saying how much I liked him etc and he said he did too but nothing could happen because he couldn't do that to James. Tom ended up coming back to mine that night and stayed in my room. Nothing happened and I dropped him off in town the following morning. James saw us leave together in my car and so assumed we had slept together or something, so messaged Tom's now ex Sophie (their relationship was very on off and she blew hot and cold constantly, he didn't really seem all that bothered about her either) and told her he had stayed round.
Since then Tom and I have discussed how we feel for each other, he says he really likes me but doesn't want to hurt James or Sophie by us getting together. He also says he is confused because he still has some feelings for Sophie (according to her he messages her saying he wants her back. She says she doesn't know what she wants to do), but says that he feels that us getting together would be inevitable anyway because we like each other so much. I am just so confused by all of this, I feel like he says one thing to me and another to Sophie. I am angry that he says he won't hurt them, even though they have caused him hurt in the past, why do I have to be the one to get hurt when I haven't done anything wrong?
I told him I cannot be friends with him, and watch him be with someone else because I like him that much, so he met with me the next day supposedly to talk but never brought this subject up. We just ended up flirting and chatting like how we always have. I just feel completely lost, I really don't know how to handle this situation. I don't want to cut him off because I feel like I'm still hanging on thinking he might change his mind. Whenever I speak to him he acts as though nothing has happened. Any advice would be hugely appreciated.
In short: BF of 3.5 years split up with me, tried to get with my best friend, I kicked off about it because it was so soon after our split, my friend calls it off, ex then apologizes to me, a week later friend messages me and says hes asking to see her in secret. I have fallen for his friend who is also my friend (but they have since fallen out), his friend likes me too but says we cant be together because he doesnt want to hurt his ex or my ex and still has feelings for his ex. Help?
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