Alllllright. Here I am, not knowing who to talk to really about this and I suppose I may need to get it off my chest. Or maybe I'm looking for some advice, I don't know. I just want third party thoughts.
A little about me: I'm turning 22 soon and am graduating college, going onto graduate school. I'm trying to distance myself from my family's problems but find it difficult to do so at times. I also worry about my 17-year-old brother, who is still at home. His grades are horrible and I worry that he's falling into the wrong crowd.
My mother suffers from depression, anxiety, and alcoholism (genetic/environmental). My dad, despite what he says, is controlling, self-centered, and sometimes verbally abusive. Growing up, they fought a lot. My mom would "go to bed early", drink, then they would fight about it. A lot. All the time. I remember going to AA meetings with her when I was little (I would stay in another room with toys) but I don't think it ever really helped.
They got married after dating for 11 months or so. And, from what I've picked up from over the years, he was always a flirt. Still is. But I guess my mom overlooked it and put up with it because she thought he'd change and settle down...get used to marriage, I guess. They fought, she started drinking, never left, thought it would get better.......then she had me, 9 years after getting married. Since then, she's stuck around, claiming the only reason why she stays around is because of us kids.
I don't completely buy it. I'm on my own living-wise. My brother plans to go off into the military as soon as he graduates high school to get out of the house. My mom is completely dependent on my dad. She has no job; she has not had a full-time job that has lasted for more than two years since before I was born; the only reason why she had little jobs in between is because my dad wanted her to. She stays at home all day and surfs the internet or watches TV. I believe she is afraid to leave because she has NEVER lived on her own.
My dad has always said he's giving her one more chance, one more chance then she's out...he's been saying that for as long as I remember. She's been through (and failed) numerous outpatient programs. She has been through one in-patient rehab...and has continued to drink. My dad says she needs to hit "rock bottom", a term I've grown up knowing, but he doesn't really let her, since he continues to support her. A week or so ago I was talking do my dad and I said, "No amount of you putting her in programs is going to help, she has to want to do it" and he replied, "But I'm a solver, I'm a fixer. And I cant- seem- to- fix- this- problem". Is that all it is to him? Just shuttle her around from program to program, shelling out money, while he says he's working on "being more supportive" but still being condescending, selfish, and over-critical?
He sounds like he cares...but he's a serial cheater, both emotionally and physically. My mom musters up enough courage sometimes to confront him about it, but he gets defensive and denies it completely. And he yells and he controls...he gets angry over the stupidest stuff. I've never truly seen him be supportive and loving towards her. He says he keeps trying to help because he loves her. But why would someone who loves another constantly yell and cheat on that person?
It all seems like a vicious cycle. He's controlling, she withdraws and drinks. He doesn't "feel like he's loved" and flirts/(sleeps?) with others. Mom internalizes and drinks. He doesn't like her drinking, so he gets mad....over and over and over. Years and years and years. I don't possibly know how they can break this cycle.
Yes, I want them to separate. I decided that when I was 14. They would both be happier that way, maybe. At least my mom...though I don't know if she'd better herself or just keep drinking. I know I can't do anything about it. I wish I could, but I've come to terms that I can't change anything. It's heartbreaking and exhausting for me. I worry about my brother; I really don't know how I turned out decent (besides extreme anxiety about marriage and the stupid ability to become hyper-defensive during arguments with my boyfriend), but he's still there and he's a very different person than I am.
What should they do? What can they do? Can anyone offer any personal experiences? Is there anything I should do for my brother and for myself? Anything...I just want to get this out there. It sounds so high-schoolish, but none of my friends can understand what I'm going through, no matter how much they can listen.
If anyone needs clarification or further detail just ask. There's a bunch that I've left out.
A little about me: I'm turning 22 soon and am graduating college, going onto graduate school. I'm trying to distance myself from my family's problems but find it difficult to do so at times. I also worry about my 17-year-old brother, who is still at home. His grades are horrible and I worry that he's falling into the wrong crowd.
My mother suffers from depression, anxiety, and alcoholism (genetic/environmental). My dad, despite what he says, is controlling, self-centered, and sometimes verbally abusive. Growing up, they fought a lot. My mom would "go to bed early", drink, then they would fight about it. A lot. All the time. I remember going to AA meetings with her when I was little (I would stay in another room with toys) but I don't think it ever really helped.
They got married after dating for 11 months or so. And, from what I've picked up from over the years, he was always a flirt. Still is. But I guess my mom overlooked it and put up with it because she thought he'd change and settle down...get used to marriage, I guess. They fought, she started drinking, never left, thought it would get better.......then she had me, 9 years after getting married. Since then, she's stuck around, claiming the only reason why she stays around is because of us kids.
I don't completely buy it. I'm on my own living-wise. My brother plans to go off into the military as soon as he graduates high school to get out of the house. My mom is completely dependent on my dad. She has no job; she has not had a full-time job that has lasted for more than two years since before I was born; the only reason why she had little jobs in between is because my dad wanted her to. She stays at home all day and surfs the internet or watches TV. I believe she is afraid to leave because she has NEVER lived on her own.
My dad has always said he's giving her one more chance, one more chance then she's out...he's been saying that for as long as I remember. She's been through (and failed) numerous outpatient programs. She has been through one in-patient rehab...and has continued to drink. My dad says she needs to hit "rock bottom", a term I've grown up knowing, but he doesn't really let her, since he continues to support her. A week or so ago I was talking do my dad and I said, "No amount of you putting her in programs is going to help, she has to want to do it" and he replied, "But I'm a solver, I'm a fixer. And I cant- seem- to- fix- this- problem". Is that all it is to him? Just shuttle her around from program to program, shelling out money, while he says he's working on "being more supportive" but still being condescending, selfish, and over-critical?
He sounds like he cares...but he's a serial cheater, both emotionally and physically. My mom musters up enough courage sometimes to confront him about it, but he gets defensive and denies it completely. And he yells and he controls...he gets angry over the stupidest stuff. I've never truly seen him be supportive and loving towards her. He says he keeps trying to help because he loves her. But why would someone who loves another constantly yell and cheat on that person?
It all seems like a vicious cycle. He's controlling, she withdraws and drinks. He doesn't "feel like he's loved" and flirts/(sleeps?) with others. Mom internalizes and drinks. He doesn't like her drinking, so he gets mad....over and over and over. Years and years and years. I don't possibly know how they can break this cycle.
Yes, I want them to separate. I decided that when I was 14. They would both be happier that way, maybe. At least my mom...though I don't know if she'd better herself or just keep drinking. I know I can't do anything about it. I wish I could, but I've come to terms that I can't change anything. It's heartbreaking and exhausting for me. I worry about my brother; I really don't know how I turned out decent (besides extreme anxiety about marriage and the stupid ability to become hyper-defensive during arguments with my boyfriend), but he's still there and he's a very different person than I am.
What should they do? What can they do? Can anyone offer any personal experiences? Is there anything I should do for my brother and for myself? Anything...I just want to get this out there. It sounds so high-schoolish, but none of my friends can understand what I'm going through, no matter how much they can listen.
If anyone needs clarification or further detail just ask. There's a bunch that I've left out.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment