We've been married 14 years and have two kids.
Things have been rocky on the marriage front for the past few years. We've been to a couple of counselling sessions. I've been a willing partner and have accompanied her whenever she has asked me to. It was a mutual decision anyway. However, that hasn't really helped much. We do talk but have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for months now. Initially it was the consequence of an argument, then due to my loud snoring and now its just second nature. I did go through a surgery for a deviated septum but that didn't help much :) - just fyi.
I don't have any qualms or ego in admitting that I've contributed to this. I've had anger issues - nothing physical but yes I do get loud when I'm trying to say something and get no response back. Of course, from my view point, all the outburst episodes I've had in the past have stemmed from some of my "buttons getting pressed" but shouting/ yelling is something I could have avoided. I can blame that on what I saw between my parents but that's an easy way out - so bottom line I'm guilty of being loud and harsh during my outbursts.
For the past several months I've quite successfully changed how I deal with my emotions. I've read a lot about anger management and have learned to engage with her in a much more constructive way.
However I don't see any attempt on her part to re-engage with me. If I were to club together my ask of her it would be to acknowledge me as a friend, companion. I always find her reading, browsing, shopping online or talking to her friends and going out with them. I'm probably coming across as a needy person here but that's not the truth. I'm fine with her going with her friends - that's healthy anyway. I'm also perfectly fine with her spending her time doing what she likes. I'm just perplexed that there isn't 5-10% of time that she would want to spend with me. E.g couple of months back I came back home after a 3 night business trip, she didn't even get out of her bed to say hello. Is that normal or are my expectations out of whack? Is this relationship just a convenient arrangement where she wants a good room mate?
So,
a) Maybe I AM a needy person
b) The hurt I've caused in the past is something that she doesn't want to get over
c) She doesn't want to be with me - period
If it's (C), which I hope it isn't, shouldn't she just leave me? I love my kids and don't want to subject them to this but keeping this relationship afloat only for them will take a toll eventually .. something that's already started.
I've asked her directly (in a very calm manner) about how she'd like to proceed with our relationship as I really miss the good times we've had. But have heard nothing concrete other than a "let's talk later ..".
Any bright ideas as to what I can do to break this cycle apart for persisting! More than anything else it's the impasse that's bothering me. Or is it time to wake up and smell the coffee!!
Things have been rocky on the marriage front for the past few years. We've been to a couple of counselling sessions. I've been a willing partner and have accompanied her whenever she has asked me to. It was a mutual decision anyway. However, that hasn't really helped much. We do talk but have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for months now. Initially it was the consequence of an argument, then due to my loud snoring and now its just second nature. I did go through a surgery for a deviated septum but that didn't help much :) - just fyi.
I don't have any qualms or ego in admitting that I've contributed to this. I've had anger issues - nothing physical but yes I do get loud when I'm trying to say something and get no response back. Of course, from my view point, all the outburst episodes I've had in the past have stemmed from some of my "buttons getting pressed" but shouting/ yelling is something I could have avoided. I can blame that on what I saw between my parents but that's an easy way out - so bottom line I'm guilty of being loud and harsh during my outbursts.
For the past several months I've quite successfully changed how I deal with my emotions. I've read a lot about anger management and have learned to engage with her in a much more constructive way.
However I don't see any attempt on her part to re-engage with me. If I were to club together my ask of her it would be to acknowledge me as a friend, companion. I always find her reading, browsing, shopping online or talking to her friends and going out with them. I'm probably coming across as a needy person here but that's not the truth. I'm fine with her going with her friends - that's healthy anyway. I'm also perfectly fine with her spending her time doing what she likes. I'm just perplexed that there isn't 5-10% of time that she would want to spend with me. E.g couple of months back I came back home after a 3 night business trip, she didn't even get out of her bed to say hello. Is that normal or are my expectations out of whack? Is this relationship just a convenient arrangement where she wants a good room mate?
So,
a) Maybe I AM a needy person
b) The hurt I've caused in the past is something that she doesn't want to get over
c) She doesn't want to be with me - period
If it's (C), which I hope it isn't, shouldn't she just leave me? I love my kids and don't want to subject them to this but keeping this relationship afloat only for them will take a toll eventually .. something that's already started.
I've asked her directly (in a very calm manner) about how she'd like to proceed with our relationship as I really miss the good times we've had. But have heard nothing concrete other than a "let's talk later ..".
Any bright ideas as to what I can do to break this cycle apart for persisting! More than anything else it's the impasse that's bothering me. Or is it time to wake up and smell the coffee!!
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