In just over 1 week it will have been 1 year since the worse night and days of my life. I find myself triggering more often now and feeling resentful again for what she did.
The worse part of all of this is how, looking back, she was able to carry out these affairs almost effortlessly, with precision and premeditated actions.
We are still together, went to MC, went through the hysterical bonding, and now feel we are in another rut in our marriage. Before her affair I wouldn't question our relationship but I am much more alert now. I am 100% sure there is no affair or contact with the OM but it is exhausting trying to check on her and always having my guard up. I know this is affecting her as much as me but I just can't trust like I did before.
I don't want to and can't continue on like this but I'm not ready to put my guard down. On top of that I'm not 100% sure I have the whole story with OM1 or if there was another OM which I suspected but she vehemently denies. I will probably never be 100% sure of her actions but I guess to completely reconcile I have to allow 97% to be good enough.
I'm afraid I will never feel what I need from her to be completely happy again. I had to force myself to get her a gift for valentines day, Christmas and her birthday. I used to love getting the perfect gift or writing inside a card, now I just don't have the drive or desire to do nice things for her. I know if this doesn't change our marriage is doomed for failure but I'm not sure I can force a change. I'm hoping that time will heal and I am fairly patient but I need to see some progress.
The worse part of all of this is how, looking back, she was able to carry out these affairs almost effortlessly, with precision and premeditated actions.
We are still together, went to MC, went through the hysterical bonding, and now feel we are in another rut in our marriage. Before her affair I wouldn't question our relationship but I am much more alert now. I am 100% sure there is no affair or contact with the OM but it is exhausting trying to check on her and always having my guard up. I know this is affecting her as much as me but I just can't trust like I did before.
I don't want to and can't continue on like this but I'm not ready to put my guard down. On top of that I'm not 100% sure I have the whole story with OM1 or if there was another OM which I suspected but she vehemently denies. I will probably never be 100% sure of her actions but I guess to completely reconcile I have to allow 97% to be good enough.
I'm afraid I will never feel what I need from her to be completely happy again. I had to force myself to get her a gift for valentines day, Christmas and her birthday. I used to love getting the perfect gift or writing inside a card, now I just don't have the drive or desire to do nice things for her. I know if this doesn't change our marriage is doomed for failure but I'm not sure I can force a change. I'm hoping that time will heal and I am fairly patient but I need to see some progress.
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