There is a fine line between blaming the victim and denying responsibility. I've read several other stories here, and I can empathize with many here.
In the past, in my marriage, I was quiet. A Nice Guy. I'm working on fixing that - I want to maintain the humility and compassion for others I've cultivated, but pair it with a balance of firm boundaries and strict self-respect. I was passive, but with little aggression at all - the aggression I felt was directed inward at myself, rather than at her. Now, it's my goal to be far more direct, open, and honest - and damn the consequenses.
Looking back, I can understand the choices I made, although I also recognize how they contributed to my propblems. My wife has a history of sexual abuse, and although in the beginning we managed it; as children came along and we grew settled, I didn't keep as sharp an eye out for red flags as I should have. I did, however, get very good at absorbing the blame and attacks she spun back around to me.
In heavy fights, they'd usually start with her ambushing me, then making her way through the victim chair, then attacking herself - first verbally, then physically, then in worst-case-scenarios, threatening to cut and/or kill herself. Because I wouldn't give in and accept the fact that I was a monster who was driving her to it.
Looking back, I can see that I spent far too much time trying to convince her she was wrong, trying to get her to relent. To calm down and realize that I was not a rapist, that I did care about the kids, that I wasn't a monster trying to hurt her. Now, if things ever got to that level again, I'd walk away from the argument, and starve her of oxygen for her internal fire.
It is difficult, though. Over time, my friends became our friends, and then her friends. My family became her family. Now, she has an army of people who are scolding me for being "mean" and "harsh" to her, and the few who aren't, are still in the "well, you both have to own up to your mistakes, and start listening to each other" state. I've cut virtually everyone loose, and have minimal contact even with my own family, except my Dad who's my boss, and who has lived with her as well. Thank God for him.
A year ago, when I moved out, I did so in order to change something. I caught myself in the middle of an argument walking out of the room with the intention of killing myself. I was praying for the courage to overcome my fear of death, and instead, was given the courage to tell her I wanted out. It's been a roller-coaster of a year - spent a week in the depression ward, had charges pressed against me by an old friend, battled a bogus restraining order, was summarily fired from my position in the theatre company I had helped lead for five years.
Nowadays, I live alone. My wife filed for legal separation when I opened my own bank account. She asserts that I have not been supporting the children - I only covered their rent and food, and didn't give my wife money to pay her credit card bills, as well. Because my wife persists in insisting that she wants to fix the marriage, the separation terms were a bit rough for separation - but they default to being the divorce terms in six months. As divorce terms go, they're not bad. Every other weekend, child support, and 5 years alimony. If we were looking at divorce, it would have been far uglier - she's indicated that she'd use everything against me.
Currently, the biggest argument we have is over vacations. She has, over the bast few years, taken multiple vacations without me. My work schedule wouldn't afford me much time off, and finances were tight, so her parents would step up to the plate and take her and the kids. Shortly before she filed, they all spent a week at Disneyland without me - our family's annual trip, which we couldn't afford to go on because I had moved out. Now, they've got a trip planned to Oregon to see her family up there, and camping in yellowstone. I've told her that I do not want them to go, that it bothers me, and that if she does choose to go, she is increasing the rift between us. She's tried to compromise by offering me an invitation to come along - take time off of work, and drive halfway across the country with my inlaws for two weeks of camping. The same inlaws who found her a lawyer and are covering all the expenses.
I admit here - I'm bitterly lonely, and really do miss the old days. But having learned what I have, I cannot go backwards. I'm worried about my kids, what life will be like for them, if standing my ground is denying them at a chance at a better life. Certainly everyone around me is encouraging me to buckle - although those are the people I've now seen get most angry at me for enforcing any boundaries at all. It feels like I've made the right choice, but watching and waiting for the wreckage to settle creates a lot of pressure to yeild.
In the past, in my marriage, I was quiet. A Nice Guy. I'm working on fixing that - I want to maintain the humility and compassion for others I've cultivated, but pair it with a balance of firm boundaries and strict self-respect. I was passive, but with little aggression at all - the aggression I felt was directed inward at myself, rather than at her. Now, it's my goal to be far more direct, open, and honest - and damn the consequenses.
Looking back, I can understand the choices I made, although I also recognize how they contributed to my propblems. My wife has a history of sexual abuse, and although in the beginning we managed it; as children came along and we grew settled, I didn't keep as sharp an eye out for red flags as I should have. I did, however, get very good at absorbing the blame and attacks she spun back around to me.
In heavy fights, they'd usually start with her ambushing me, then making her way through the victim chair, then attacking herself - first verbally, then physically, then in worst-case-scenarios, threatening to cut and/or kill herself. Because I wouldn't give in and accept the fact that I was a monster who was driving her to it.
Looking back, I can see that I spent far too much time trying to convince her she was wrong, trying to get her to relent. To calm down and realize that I was not a rapist, that I did care about the kids, that I wasn't a monster trying to hurt her. Now, if things ever got to that level again, I'd walk away from the argument, and starve her of oxygen for her internal fire.
It is difficult, though. Over time, my friends became our friends, and then her friends. My family became her family. Now, she has an army of people who are scolding me for being "mean" and "harsh" to her, and the few who aren't, are still in the "well, you both have to own up to your mistakes, and start listening to each other" state. I've cut virtually everyone loose, and have minimal contact even with my own family, except my Dad who's my boss, and who has lived with her as well. Thank God for him.
A year ago, when I moved out, I did so in order to change something. I caught myself in the middle of an argument walking out of the room with the intention of killing myself. I was praying for the courage to overcome my fear of death, and instead, was given the courage to tell her I wanted out. It's been a roller-coaster of a year - spent a week in the depression ward, had charges pressed against me by an old friend, battled a bogus restraining order, was summarily fired from my position in the theatre company I had helped lead for five years.
Nowadays, I live alone. My wife filed for legal separation when I opened my own bank account. She asserts that I have not been supporting the children - I only covered their rent and food, and didn't give my wife money to pay her credit card bills, as well. Because my wife persists in insisting that she wants to fix the marriage, the separation terms were a bit rough for separation - but they default to being the divorce terms in six months. As divorce terms go, they're not bad. Every other weekend, child support, and 5 years alimony. If we were looking at divorce, it would have been far uglier - she's indicated that she'd use everything against me.
Currently, the biggest argument we have is over vacations. She has, over the bast few years, taken multiple vacations without me. My work schedule wouldn't afford me much time off, and finances were tight, so her parents would step up to the plate and take her and the kids. Shortly before she filed, they all spent a week at Disneyland without me - our family's annual trip, which we couldn't afford to go on because I had moved out. Now, they've got a trip planned to Oregon to see her family up there, and camping in yellowstone. I've told her that I do not want them to go, that it bothers me, and that if she does choose to go, she is increasing the rift between us. She's tried to compromise by offering me an invitation to come along - take time off of work, and drive halfway across the country with my inlaws for two weeks of camping. The same inlaws who found her a lawyer and are covering all the expenses.
I admit here - I'm bitterly lonely, and really do miss the old days. But having learned what I have, I cannot go backwards. I'm worried about my kids, what life will be like for them, if standing my ground is denying them at a chance at a better life. Certainly everyone around me is encouraging me to buckle - although those are the people I've now seen get most angry at me for enforcing any boundaries at all. It feels like I've made the right choice, but watching and waiting for the wreckage to settle creates a lot of pressure to yeild.
Put the internet to work for you.
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