So, this is the first time I've tried this, maybe I can get some insight. Where to even start... My lovely girlfriend and I have been dating for almost 5 years now, yea a pretty good while. We both went to the same high school, she dated a guy I knew for a couple years, and I dated a girl she knew for a few, both decided that they weren't right. We never really talked, never considered dating until I went to the gas station she was working at, and it essentially just hit us in the face. The next few months were crazy, we were in the huge puppy love stage. At the time, she was a senior in high school and I was a sophomore in college. She would come to visit me all the time, and I would go to her (50 miles apart). She was the picture of a preppy girl, blonde hair, blue eyes, name brand clothing, always presented herself very well. Our first arguments were basically about her image. Mostly, the super low cut shirts.
Everything I have an issue with on the outside really is more in depth. Some might say that I sound controlling, but my logic is this. Her family and my family both are Catholic, her side and my side both Sunday attenders, her mom was actually my confirmation teacher. My girlfriend had expressed how proud of being catholic she was, and how amazing it is that both sides of our family are as well. I didn't understand how she could go to church Sunday, dressed up really nice, then show off half her rack on Monday... and for what?
I am not talking about a little, i'm talking softcore porn. Of course I liked it, but I just wanted her to know how I felt about it in public. Through the course of our relationship, I have continuously emphasized how I will never tell her what to do, she can always do what she wants, I will never keep her from doing something, but _____ is how I feel when you do this or are going to do this. The real kicker in this small argument was that she would call out other girls for looking like "****s", and they would be wearing identical clothes to what she was..... Then she would get upset with me like i'm crazy??
As our relationship progressed, she started to demonstrate her "daddy issues". As I am one to not like things to stay broken, I would support her, I would comfort her, and help her in any way I could. If she was mad about her dad, so was I. if she was giving him another chance, so was I. The thing she put into our relationship from her bad dad was always having a picture in her mind of an ******* man figure. Understanding this, I would put a precursor to everything I would say..." babe, I absolutely do not mean this in a negative way, but I think _____" Regardless of what I say, if its not agreeing with her,she takes it as an attack, is out to fight, and openly admits to doing it after.
At the start of each of these arguments, I originally had a temper. As time progressed, I realized that the only functional way would be for one of us to be able to be calm and try fix the problem being that we are both stubborn. It seemed like the harder I tried to be patient, the calmer I got, the deeper she would think into things until it got to the point it is now whereas today when she was getting upset I calmly said, "babe, i'm sorry I don't understand what I said to make you upset"... to which she later screamed "your basically saying calm the **** down to me and it just doesn't work."
Each argument goes like this. 1) she has an attitude and or gets upset by something I say, regardless of if she started it or not. 2) she screams, rolls her eyes, accuses me of things and yells. 3) I try calm the situation down, asking her to explain what she saw happen/what started it in her eyes so that I can explain mine afterwords and we can discuss where to go. 4) she sits with her head down silently for unlimited amounts of time, I can leave the house, drive away, come back, sit in front of her, call her name, apologize, it doesn't matter. 5) I get frustrated and say can you say something, she replies everytime with "I don't know what to say, I don't know or silence. 6) she calms down, openly admits to being the spark of the argument, starts to calmly acknowledge my opinion, then slowly sinks into her thinking she is the worst person in the world, and ultimately gets upset with me again within the same 5 minutes. 7) she goes to bed, gives up, doesn't attempt to retry fixing things and or says that she will work on it. 8) if i'm still upset about the situation, she will ignore me. 9) I get over it the next day. 10) we are good for about a week and then something happens again. 11) repeat.
Since our first argument, she has literally made zero progress in any stage. I have attempted a few different strategies. some of which are; try find a spot after we argue where we can meet in the middle, try each take a deep breath and sit at the table, try acknowledge when its starting to be an argument and not jump to conclusions, tell her like I did two nights ago that my picture perfect situation is for her to keep it in the back of her head that at the end of the day, regardless of what happened, I love her... etc. She understands my logic for the most part, not only sees it, but ends up agreeing even when I stress that there are no right and wrongs. Ultimately, she has an instilled image in her head of me trying to be a "father" figure (hence the head down during altercation) or that I'm cheating on her (hence her snooping on my facebook and email) or that i'm trying to put her down a notch, as if i'm above her on some messed up scale of life. Regardless of what I have said and done, I cannot get that picture out of her mind. I have never scolded her like a child, I have never cheated on her over internet or in person, and I constantly reiterate the necessity of partnership in our relationship. For this, i'm still at a loss of words.
She is a brilliant college student, in her senior year about to graduate with an RN from a highly acclaimed college, great grades throughout the entire thing, extremely good at her nursing skills and attitude. She is extremely book smart, the type who says they are probably going to fail the upcoming exam and sneak through with a B. But, when it comes to decision making, money or serious adult situations, she freezes and runs. She has admitted to me on numerous occasions how she knows that she is naïve, she still feels like she is 16 in high school (she is 21), then follows it up with career dreams and goals (wants to work in NICU or ICU of some sort with an emphasis on either Children or Seniors, wants to live in the country, have at least two kids and grow old together) all of that in the same sentence. It confuses the hell out of me.
I returned from overseas almost a year ago. While I was getting prepared to come home, I was situating a scheme with my parents to help me in my first home purchase (trailer house). My girlfriend and I had discussed her moving in with me, especially to take the burden of her extremely high rent off of her shoulders so she could focus on school for her last year (she failed a class, trying to work too much). When I got home, we were both extremely happy, for about a week. That's when I started to have frustration with things, nothing aggressive, just re adjusting. She had developed a new trait... if there is stress anywhere near her, within 5 minutes, she is upset with me. I was having problems with my family when I came home, venting to her about it, and within a few minutes, she would be mad at me for God knows what. For the last 10 months, that has seemed to be the norm, upset with me when I'm upset about something completely separate of her. Not only does she get upset, but she doesn't have an opinion or anything to say when I ask her if she can help me work through my issues. she literally says, "I don't know what to say, I can never make you feel better, I never have anything to say"... she doesn't try, she just resorts to that. There isn't a , "well if I was you i'd do this... or even an I see what you're saying, yea it sounds like you thought everything out" instead, absolutely nothing. If I went to Walmart and asked the cashier about my personal problems, I would assume they would at least entertain me with a kind word or two, that's just the good nature of people, she doesn't have it when I have a problem.
I have told her since before we moved in that she need not worry about paying for bills, if she can help with a small bill or two, great, if not, I have it all set up and i'll figure it out. She originally was appreciative. She focused on school, worked one weekend every two weeks, had enough to pay for her credit cards (don't even wanna go there) and her phone. after a while, she started to get upset about me paying for things because I was stressed in doing so. I never directed it at her, just in general, but again she made it her problem and I was "attacking her". She would snap at me for not doing the dishes after I got home from working... After a while, she would go through her cycles of feeling like crap for not helping and then using every dime she had to pay for something without me knowing it and not being able to afford her own things. To this day, I still can't get it through to her that we are good and she can finish school without worrying about it. I would think that me doing all this would be a good thing instead of her begging her family for money for rent... what am I missing?
I haven't stressed enough good about her, she is the kindest person in the world when she is herself, does my laundry (even though I say I can do it myself) pampers me if I had a rough day, makes me food, loves to go out and have fun and a million other things that have weighed out the bad. I'm still here aren't I??
As of lately, she has started to do something new. She has broke down a few times, got upset with me for not proposing, expressed how she didn't know if this is what she wanted in life, asked if puppy love only lasts for a few months and if this is all we are ever going to be... so on and so forth. I told her again I am not holding her here but everything she thinks is broken is just an opportunity for us to build it differently. We laugh so hard sometimes that she cries, I always do the cute things she loves when she isn't expecting it. She tells me all the time that I am everything that she could ever ask for. Yet she goes through periods where i'm an *******, she deserves better, she wants to move away etc...
I know theres such thing as difference in maturing. I'm 24, she is turning 22, we obviously hit it at different times. With her though, she is absolutely mature in all of the other factions of life except when it comes down to real issues in our relationship, then she shuts down. Tonight she didn't say a word after our argument, sat in the back seat of my truck on our hour long ride home from visiting my family (she wanted to, she loves my family and they love her), went to bed and left me here. I've always had hope. I believe that God put us together because our foundations are so compatible, yet our characteristics are different. She has stayed with me through a year cumulative of being gone for military service, she has been at my side through issues with my family, she can be such a great person, I just don't understand what i'm doing wrong. I want to propose to her, but either I spent the last dollar on keeping a roof over our head, or she throws one of her tantrums and turns me off of the idea. She was literally mad at me for not coming home from overseas with a ring, because that's what she thought I was going to do... she told me that.
Another note, she wanted a cat, I got her a cat ( I hate cats ) she doesn't feed it, give it water or clean its litter box. She laughs and acknowledges that she doesn't do it. I actually taped the cats food dish to see if she would feed him while I was gone at work, I saw that she hadn't moved the dish once I got home, I asked if she fed him, she said yea a couple hours ago, I told her about the tape and said no you ddnt, and she laughed as I fed him. I feel taken advantage of, but I don't see a way to change it. I could live with every one of her decisions in life if she would just acknowledge me in that process. I do everything with us in mind, she does everything with her in mind, and unless I tell her that I did something for her, she cannot see it. I'm so sick of this day to day not knowing if she is going to blow up on me, break up with me, not be here when i'm coming home, everything. I am the easiest person to please. Don't lie to me, be honest and open with me, and be my partner in this crazy thing called life, work with me not individually. She shows all these things sometimes, but not cumulatively, i'd never ask her to be something she is not, but if she shows something she is every now and then on her own, is it unfair for me to want that? predictability, responsibility, accountability??
If anyone can make anything of this, or they have even continued to read this, a word my way would be more than appreciated. Thank you so much,
RB
Everything I have an issue with on the outside really is more in depth. Some might say that I sound controlling, but my logic is this. Her family and my family both are Catholic, her side and my side both Sunday attenders, her mom was actually my confirmation teacher. My girlfriend had expressed how proud of being catholic she was, and how amazing it is that both sides of our family are as well. I didn't understand how she could go to church Sunday, dressed up really nice, then show off half her rack on Monday... and for what?
I am not talking about a little, i'm talking softcore porn. Of course I liked it, but I just wanted her to know how I felt about it in public. Through the course of our relationship, I have continuously emphasized how I will never tell her what to do, she can always do what she wants, I will never keep her from doing something, but _____ is how I feel when you do this or are going to do this. The real kicker in this small argument was that she would call out other girls for looking like "****s", and they would be wearing identical clothes to what she was..... Then she would get upset with me like i'm crazy??
As our relationship progressed, she started to demonstrate her "daddy issues". As I am one to not like things to stay broken, I would support her, I would comfort her, and help her in any way I could. If she was mad about her dad, so was I. if she was giving him another chance, so was I. The thing she put into our relationship from her bad dad was always having a picture in her mind of an ******* man figure. Understanding this, I would put a precursor to everything I would say..." babe, I absolutely do not mean this in a negative way, but I think _____" Regardless of what I say, if its not agreeing with her,she takes it as an attack, is out to fight, and openly admits to doing it after.
At the start of each of these arguments, I originally had a temper. As time progressed, I realized that the only functional way would be for one of us to be able to be calm and try fix the problem being that we are both stubborn. It seemed like the harder I tried to be patient, the calmer I got, the deeper she would think into things until it got to the point it is now whereas today when she was getting upset I calmly said, "babe, i'm sorry I don't understand what I said to make you upset"... to which she later screamed "your basically saying calm the **** down to me and it just doesn't work."
Each argument goes like this. 1) she has an attitude and or gets upset by something I say, regardless of if she started it or not. 2) she screams, rolls her eyes, accuses me of things and yells. 3) I try calm the situation down, asking her to explain what she saw happen/what started it in her eyes so that I can explain mine afterwords and we can discuss where to go. 4) she sits with her head down silently for unlimited amounts of time, I can leave the house, drive away, come back, sit in front of her, call her name, apologize, it doesn't matter. 5) I get frustrated and say can you say something, she replies everytime with "I don't know what to say, I don't know or silence. 6) she calms down, openly admits to being the spark of the argument, starts to calmly acknowledge my opinion, then slowly sinks into her thinking she is the worst person in the world, and ultimately gets upset with me again within the same 5 minutes. 7) she goes to bed, gives up, doesn't attempt to retry fixing things and or says that she will work on it. 8) if i'm still upset about the situation, she will ignore me. 9) I get over it the next day. 10) we are good for about a week and then something happens again. 11) repeat.
Since our first argument, she has literally made zero progress in any stage. I have attempted a few different strategies. some of which are; try find a spot after we argue where we can meet in the middle, try each take a deep breath and sit at the table, try acknowledge when its starting to be an argument and not jump to conclusions, tell her like I did two nights ago that my picture perfect situation is for her to keep it in the back of her head that at the end of the day, regardless of what happened, I love her... etc. She understands my logic for the most part, not only sees it, but ends up agreeing even when I stress that there are no right and wrongs. Ultimately, she has an instilled image in her head of me trying to be a "father" figure (hence the head down during altercation) or that I'm cheating on her (hence her snooping on my facebook and email) or that i'm trying to put her down a notch, as if i'm above her on some messed up scale of life. Regardless of what I have said and done, I cannot get that picture out of her mind. I have never scolded her like a child, I have never cheated on her over internet or in person, and I constantly reiterate the necessity of partnership in our relationship. For this, i'm still at a loss of words.
She is a brilliant college student, in her senior year about to graduate with an RN from a highly acclaimed college, great grades throughout the entire thing, extremely good at her nursing skills and attitude. She is extremely book smart, the type who says they are probably going to fail the upcoming exam and sneak through with a B. But, when it comes to decision making, money or serious adult situations, she freezes and runs. She has admitted to me on numerous occasions how she knows that she is naïve, she still feels like she is 16 in high school (she is 21), then follows it up with career dreams and goals (wants to work in NICU or ICU of some sort with an emphasis on either Children or Seniors, wants to live in the country, have at least two kids and grow old together) all of that in the same sentence. It confuses the hell out of me.
I returned from overseas almost a year ago. While I was getting prepared to come home, I was situating a scheme with my parents to help me in my first home purchase (trailer house). My girlfriend and I had discussed her moving in with me, especially to take the burden of her extremely high rent off of her shoulders so she could focus on school for her last year (she failed a class, trying to work too much). When I got home, we were both extremely happy, for about a week. That's when I started to have frustration with things, nothing aggressive, just re adjusting. She had developed a new trait... if there is stress anywhere near her, within 5 minutes, she is upset with me. I was having problems with my family when I came home, venting to her about it, and within a few minutes, she would be mad at me for God knows what. For the last 10 months, that has seemed to be the norm, upset with me when I'm upset about something completely separate of her. Not only does she get upset, but she doesn't have an opinion or anything to say when I ask her if she can help me work through my issues. she literally says, "I don't know what to say, I can never make you feel better, I never have anything to say"... she doesn't try, she just resorts to that. There isn't a , "well if I was you i'd do this... or even an I see what you're saying, yea it sounds like you thought everything out" instead, absolutely nothing. If I went to Walmart and asked the cashier about my personal problems, I would assume they would at least entertain me with a kind word or two, that's just the good nature of people, she doesn't have it when I have a problem.
I have told her since before we moved in that she need not worry about paying for bills, if she can help with a small bill or two, great, if not, I have it all set up and i'll figure it out. She originally was appreciative. She focused on school, worked one weekend every two weeks, had enough to pay for her credit cards (don't even wanna go there) and her phone. after a while, she started to get upset about me paying for things because I was stressed in doing so. I never directed it at her, just in general, but again she made it her problem and I was "attacking her". She would snap at me for not doing the dishes after I got home from working... After a while, she would go through her cycles of feeling like crap for not helping and then using every dime she had to pay for something without me knowing it and not being able to afford her own things. To this day, I still can't get it through to her that we are good and she can finish school without worrying about it. I would think that me doing all this would be a good thing instead of her begging her family for money for rent... what am I missing?
I haven't stressed enough good about her, she is the kindest person in the world when she is herself, does my laundry (even though I say I can do it myself) pampers me if I had a rough day, makes me food, loves to go out and have fun and a million other things that have weighed out the bad. I'm still here aren't I??
As of lately, she has started to do something new. She has broke down a few times, got upset with me for not proposing, expressed how she didn't know if this is what she wanted in life, asked if puppy love only lasts for a few months and if this is all we are ever going to be... so on and so forth. I told her again I am not holding her here but everything she thinks is broken is just an opportunity for us to build it differently. We laugh so hard sometimes that she cries, I always do the cute things she loves when she isn't expecting it. She tells me all the time that I am everything that she could ever ask for. Yet she goes through periods where i'm an *******, she deserves better, she wants to move away etc...
I know theres such thing as difference in maturing. I'm 24, she is turning 22, we obviously hit it at different times. With her though, she is absolutely mature in all of the other factions of life except when it comes down to real issues in our relationship, then she shuts down. Tonight she didn't say a word after our argument, sat in the back seat of my truck on our hour long ride home from visiting my family (she wanted to, she loves my family and they love her), went to bed and left me here. I've always had hope. I believe that God put us together because our foundations are so compatible, yet our characteristics are different. She has stayed with me through a year cumulative of being gone for military service, she has been at my side through issues with my family, she can be such a great person, I just don't understand what i'm doing wrong. I want to propose to her, but either I spent the last dollar on keeping a roof over our head, or she throws one of her tantrums and turns me off of the idea. She was literally mad at me for not coming home from overseas with a ring, because that's what she thought I was going to do... she told me that.
Another note, she wanted a cat, I got her a cat ( I hate cats ) she doesn't feed it, give it water or clean its litter box. She laughs and acknowledges that she doesn't do it. I actually taped the cats food dish to see if she would feed him while I was gone at work, I saw that she hadn't moved the dish once I got home, I asked if she fed him, she said yea a couple hours ago, I told her about the tape and said no you ddnt, and she laughed as I fed him. I feel taken advantage of, but I don't see a way to change it. I could live with every one of her decisions in life if she would just acknowledge me in that process. I do everything with us in mind, she does everything with her in mind, and unless I tell her that I did something for her, she cannot see it. I'm so sick of this day to day not knowing if she is going to blow up on me, break up with me, not be here when i'm coming home, everything. I am the easiest person to please. Don't lie to me, be honest and open with me, and be my partner in this crazy thing called life, work with me not individually. She shows all these things sometimes, but not cumulatively, i'd never ask her to be something she is not, but if she shows something she is every now and then on her own, is it unfair for me to want that? predictability, responsibility, accountability??
If anyone can make anything of this, or they have even continued to read this, a word my way would be more than appreciated. Thank you so much,
RB
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