I have uncovered proof that my wife of 13 years is seeking a female friend for a friendship or possibly more (her words). I was invading her privacy, yes, reading her e-mail looking for financial indiscretions... but this really took me by surprise!
I have correspondence between her and a local divorcee including the gals name, number, address. I have her login/password and profile (with picture) from multiple bi-curious sites. Call records (home and cell) indicate they have spoken only briefly. Wife's Garmin has this gal's address in the history. I don't have access to her phone text messages (changed PIN). Her Facebook is clean. I have access to e-mail and computer since she left it on one day and her new passwords were within a few e-mails.
Conundrums:
1. Is this enough to confront now or do I delay & gather more?
2. I'm off to Las Vegas for annual conference for 8 days.
3. Do I plant VAR(s) now and monitor e-mail from LV?
The longer story:
13 years, three kids. One deployment, one child with special needs (Aspergers-PDD/nos). W's gone through physical/emotional trials with Fibromyalgia, implants then explants, two rounds through AA, carying a 10 lbs baby on a 100 lb frame. She's on medication for Thyroid, Pain, Depression, etc.
2013 was not the best of years. She's been back with alcohol, but doing fine save a few times... embarrassing enough to get me mad which then gets her mad, so I keep dibs on her consumption which makes her pissed off.
Finances became an issue (more than normal). She had run up the credit card on 2012 Xmas, decorating before son's 1st Communion, dance gear for the daughter, shoes for her, etc. Then the AC went, my car got totaled, and the boy's tuition was due... so 401k loan. I convinced her to go with me to Dave Ramsey's FPU class, which she agreed to, but had to stop going due to a job conflict. I cut up the cards and got us on a budget... but found out running a Credit Report that she'd continued her profligate spending on her own cards. I used her computer to access her accounts and printed out the statements. Confrontation ensues. She's peeved that I've violated her privacy and changes passwords on her computer and phone. But I got that other card corralled.
Her sister and brother-in-law come to visit from oversees, arrive on TG. The W had arranged for them to paint our kitchen cabinets... but that turned into a kitchen remodel with no budget. So I scraped together $3k and took some time off work to help thee BIL with the kitchen. Had to finish before xmas.
That's when all hell broke loose. A modest spat turned into a 1am doosie with her red-faced and angrily reviewing every grievance from 13 years. She asked me to go away for a few weeks during the renovation. I said no. Then suggested I move into the guest room once they left. I said no. I told her that we'd either work out our issues or D, sell the house and share custody. Apparently this was a surprise to her that she couldn't just keep the house and the kids with no income to speak of.
Three huge fights. Fight two and three are witnessed by SIL/BIL. She get's in my face and carries on with all grievances actual and perceived. I gave nothing back... not to be a doormat, but because my passive-aggressive non reactions got her even more heated, and I wanted them to see it.
During remodel I would also cook dinner on the grill, set a table for all, then clean the dishes in wet bar. W wouldn't even sit down to dinner with us. Granted she wasn't just mad at me, now her sister was a target because we were talking about W behind her back. duh.
W's meds changed and she's transitioned from being exhausted at 9pm to staying up past 3am doing chores. Spends hours on the computer during this time, supposedly selling excess stuff for cash.
Remodel complete, guests gone, we're almost back to normal. She asks me to take the kids to my parents. 1000 miles each way, few days peace, but not a word to my parents. I struggled with what to address with them and how to discuss without too much detail.... decided in the end to keep in inside.
Now it's 2014. Good for a month, even sex life improves. Though oddly one's at 4am.
February and I'm seeing too much activity with shopping both on-line and retail. She has some cash from part-time but not to sustain this. So I hit up the third free credit report... started back with the Kohl's card, and got new accounts at TJX and Citi. Around same time, she had left her computer on, so on the off chance I snooped again. Found what I was looking for with the cards but then found the personal folder... I just felt sick.
I've made W out to sound like a really bad person, which was not my intent. She's upstairs with a small faith group. Nice people, I wonder what they'd think. We've equal blame for a lot, but I'm really tired of chasing her down the money hole, and having to snoop and catch her lying on the topic.
I wonder if she's bi-sexual or just undiagnosed bi-polar. I need to talk with her because I don't have friends that I can talk to on this subject... so I am asking you, what would you do next?
R
I have correspondence between her and a local divorcee including the gals name, number, address. I have her login/password and profile (with picture) from multiple bi-curious sites. Call records (home and cell) indicate they have spoken only briefly. Wife's Garmin has this gal's address in the history. I don't have access to her phone text messages (changed PIN). Her Facebook is clean. I have access to e-mail and computer since she left it on one day and her new passwords were within a few e-mails.
Conundrums:
1. Is this enough to confront now or do I delay & gather more?
2. I'm off to Las Vegas for annual conference for 8 days.
3. Do I plant VAR(s) now and monitor e-mail from LV?
The longer story:
13 years, three kids. One deployment, one child with special needs (Aspergers-PDD/nos). W's gone through physical/emotional trials with Fibromyalgia, implants then explants, two rounds through AA, carying a 10 lbs baby on a 100 lb frame. She's on medication for Thyroid, Pain, Depression, etc.
2013 was not the best of years. She's been back with alcohol, but doing fine save a few times... embarrassing enough to get me mad which then gets her mad, so I keep dibs on her consumption which makes her pissed off.
Finances became an issue (more than normal). She had run up the credit card on 2012 Xmas, decorating before son's 1st Communion, dance gear for the daughter, shoes for her, etc. Then the AC went, my car got totaled, and the boy's tuition was due... so 401k loan. I convinced her to go with me to Dave Ramsey's FPU class, which she agreed to, but had to stop going due to a job conflict. I cut up the cards and got us on a budget... but found out running a Credit Report that she'd continued her profligate spending on her own cards. I used her computer to access her accounts and printed out the statements. Confrontation ensues. She's peeved that I've violated her privacy and changes passwords on her computer and phone. But I got that other card corralled.
Her sister and brother-in-law come to visit from oversees, arrive on TG. The W had arranged for them to paint our kitchen cabinets... but that turned into a kitchen remodel with no budget. So I scraped together $3k and took some time off work to help thee BIL with the kitchen. Had to finish before xmas.
That's when all hell broke loose. A modest spat turned into a 1am doosie with her red-faced and angrily reviewing every grievance from 13 years. She asked me to go away for a few weeks during the renovation. I said no. Then suggested I move into the guest room once they left. I said no. I told her that we'd either work out our issues or D, sell the house and share custody. Apparently this was a surprise to her that she couldn't just keep the house and the kids with no income to speak of.
Three huge fights. Fight two and three are witnessed by SIL/BIL. She get's in my face and carries on with all grievances actual and perceived. I gave nothing back... not to be a doormat, but because my passive-aggressive non reactions got her even more heated, and I wanted them to see it.
During remodel I would also cook dinner on the grill, set a table for all, then clean the dishes in wet bar. W wouldn't even sit down to dinner with us. Granted she wasn't just mad at me, now her sister was a target because we were talking about W behind her back. duh.
W's meds changed and she's transitioned from being exhausted at 9pm to staying up past 3am doing chores. Spends hours on the computer during this time, supposedly selling excess stuff for cash.
Remodel complete, guests gone, we're almost back to normal. She asks me to take the kids to my parents. 1000 miles each way, few days peace, but not a word to my parents. I struggled with what to address with them and how to discuss without too much detail.... decided in the end to keep in inside.
Now it's 2014. Good for a month, even sex life improves. Though oddly one's at 4am.
February and I'm seeing too much activity with shopping both on-line and retail. She has some cash from part-time but not to sustain this. So I hit up the third free credit report... started back with the Kohl's card, and got new accounts at TJX and Citi. Around same time, she had left her computer on, so on the off chance I snooped again. Found what I was looking for with the cards but then found the personal folder... I just felt sick.
I've made W out to sound like a really bad person, which was not my intent. She's upstairs with a small faith group. Nice people, I wonder what they'd think. We've equal blame for a lot, but I'm really tired of chasing her down the money hole, and having to snoop and catch her lying on the topic.
I wonder if she's bi-sexual or just undiagnosed bi-polar. I need to talk with her because I don't have friends that I can talk to on this subject... so I am asking you, what would you do next?
R
Put the internet to work for you.
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