Hi, I have been dating this girl about 7 months. I wont say its been an easy 7 months, I will say ive had to work harder than i ever have even in relationships 10 times as long.
IDK if the problem is her or me or just a bad combination.
Most recently she was flying back from out of the country and asked if i could pick her up, i agreed, and she told me to think about it until the next day and give a definite decision then. I did and came to another conclusion that its a big hassle (LA area, airport is 1 one hour from me and another hour to her home, and another hour back to my home). So thinking that it was still ok to tell her like she said, I emailed her and gave her a long explanation for why i reconsidered and saying i would pay for her shuttle ride home. I woke up to four insanely long emails and this isnt the first (or 20th time) and im feeling completely spent emotionally.
(RE her saying i hang up on her is far from the truth, i sometimes say i dont want to discuss things or cant handle the arguments and ask they stop but i dont hang up. She calls it that.
here is one (of the 4) emails: )
I'm crying at the airport. You've ruined everything. Don't you get it? I will never trust you again. It's not about today anymore. The fact that you could flake like this is why in the future I won't trust you when you promise or assure me. We had an agreement. You're a grown up and if you didn't like the agreement you could have said no at the time. Nobody put a gun to your head. This is so passive aggressive.
I can't keep feeling so insignificant, so disposable, that you'll just hang up on me any moment (no safe word and still No apology... don't bother, it's too late for an apology now. If you were sorry for hanging up, you'd have said so right away. My belief, right or wrong, is that you don't regret it bc otherwise you'd just bother to use the safe word). From now on, I will not be in any position that would allow u to treat me like this. This is not something we can recover from. I can't, I'm sorry. I just can't ever trust you again. I've spent the last two hours thinking about it and writing to u. I love you, but unfortunately I don't trust you anymore. I just can't. I can't ever believe your promises are sincere or that you'll keep them. I just can't. I'm sorry. There's nothing worse than breaking trust in a relationship. I'm sorry but your decision broke my heart today, and there's nothing either of us can do about it anymore. I hope you get the rest you so desperately need and that you flaked on me for. I'm sure you won't flake on Matt or your trip this wkend, despite how tired u are, so I am certain that it's only on me that you'll flake. That's why I feel so insignificant to you. I don't believe you see me for the valuable person I am. You haven't seen me in a week, and you know fully well that today was our chance since you're away this wkend and I work all week. I feel so unloved. Are you canceling on Matt? Of course not. Are you going to spend the wkend w me instead, since we haven't seen each other and u cancelled our plans today? Of course not. We don't flake on the people we value, only on the ones we take for granted. I'm never going to let you make me feel insignificant again. I deserve so much better than this, and I'm sorry you can't appreciate how valuable I am. I'm sorry you don't miss me enough to see me. I should feel like a priority in your life, but I don't. Despite the Tony Robbins experiment, I still don't feel loved or si gnificant to you.
You should have kept your word bc I deserve nothing less than honesty and commitment. Obviously you can't give me either. I need a relationship where we love each other and keep our commitments even if we're angry. You've shown me over and over that you just won't give me that relationship. So I hope you have fun this week with people you won't flake on.I only come first to you when u can buy me something over the top material, like flowers or earrings or tv.But when it comes to showing love through your own actions and words, where are you,. You're certainly not with me. I feel really alone in this relationship, and I'm sick and tired of being treated as if I was irrelevant. No amounts of flowers or gifts can buy you what you should do yourself: love me, value me, put me first. I feel alone, unloved and insignificant and now I don't trust u anymore. What's left? I still love you, but that's not enough. Not when I'm flying back from south Africa and you won't be around next w eekend and you're supposed to miss me. You were supposed to miss me and to keep your word. You were supposed to keep promises even when we're mad at each other. I'm sick and tired of feeling insignificant and ungrateful bc your material gifts don't make me feel any more significant. They're really lovely abd thoughtful, but they don't replace the need for you to show that you value me. I'm sorry, I just don't think I can recover from this."
Id like some help and guidance , im so tired of being barraged with scoldings like im both a child and a villain but idk if my reactions to these types of emails are over the top or what, ive never had a relationship this volatile, it scares me, it makes me defensive, i feel like im the one who has to make amends when she goes off like this, and that doesnt feel safe. Help? Please someone...
IDK if the problem is her or me or just a bad combination.
Most recently she was flying back from out of the country and asked if i could pick her up, i agreed, and she told me to think about it until the next day and give a definite decision then. I did and came to another conclusion that its a big hassle (LA area, airport is 1 one hour from me and another hour to her home, and another hour back to my home). So thinking that it was still ok to tell her like she said, I emailed her and gave her a long explanation for why i reconsidered and saying i would pay for her shuttle ride home. I woke up to four insanely long emails and this isnt the first (or 20th time) and im feeling completely spent emotionally.
(RE her saying i hang up on her is far from the truth, i sometimes say i dont want to discuss things or cant handle the arguments and ask they stop but i dont hang up. She calls it that.
here is one (of the 4) emails: )
I'm crying at the airport. You've ruined everything. Don't you get it? I will never trust you again. It's not about today anymore. The fact that you could flake like this is why in the future I won't trust you when you promise or assure me. We had an agreement. You're a grown up and if you didn't like the agreement you could have said no at the time. Nobody put a gun to your head. This is so passive aggressive.
I can't keep feeling so insignificant, so disposable, that you'll just hang up on me any moment (no safe word and still No apology... don't bother, it's too late for an apology now. If you were sorry for hanging up, you'd have said so right away. My belief, right or wrong, is that you don't regret it bc otherwise you'd just bother to use the safe word). From now on, I will not be in any position that would allow u to treat me like this. This is not something we can recover from. I can't, I'm sorry. I just can't ever trust you again. I've spent the last two hours thinking about it and writing to u. I love you, but unfortunately I don't trust you anymore. I just can't. I can't ever believe your promises are sincere or that you'll keep them. I just can't. I'm sorry. There's nothing worse than breaking trust in a relationship. I'm sorry but your decision broke my heart today, and there's nothing either of us can do about it anymore. I hope you get the rest you so desperately need and that you flaked on me for. I'm sure you won't flake on Matt or your trip this wkend, despite how tired u are, so I am certain that it's only on me that you'll flake. That's why I feel so insignificant to you. I don't believe you see me for the valuable person I am. You haven't seen me in a week, and you know fully well that today was our chance since you're away this wkend and I work all week. I feel so unloved. Are you canceling on Matt? Of course not. Are you going to spend the wkend w me instead, since we haven't seen each other and u cancelled our plans today? Of course not. We don't flake on the people we value, only on the ones we take for granted. I'm never going to let you make me feel insignificant again. I deserve so much better than this, and I'm sorry you can't appreciate how valuable I am. I'm sorry you don't miss me enough to see me. I should feel like a priority in your life, but I don't. Despite the Tony Robbins experiment, I still don't feel loved or si gnificant to you.
You should have kept your word bc I deserve nothing less than honesty and commitment. Obviously you can't give me either. I need a relationship where we love each other and keep our commitments even if we're angry. You've shown me over and over that you just won't give me that relationship. So I hope you have fun this week with people you won't flake on.I only come first to you when u can buy me something over the top material, like flowers or earrings or tv.But when it comes to showing love through your own actions and words, where are you,. You're certainly not with me. I feel really alone in this relationship, and I'm sick and tired of being treated as if I was irrelevant. No amounts of flowers or gifts can buy you what you should do yourself: love me, value me, put me first. I feel alone, unloved and insignificant and now I don't trust u anymore. What's left? I still love you, but that's not enough. Not when I'm flying back from south Africa and you won't be around next w eekend and you're supposed to miss me. You were supposed to miss me and to keep your word. You were supposed to keep promises even when we're mad at each other. I'm sick and tired of feeling insignificant and ungrateful bc your material gifts don't make me feel any more significant. They're really lovely abd thoughtful, but they don't replace the need for you to show that you value me. I'm sorry, I just don't think I can recover from this."
Id like some help and guidance , im so tired of being barraged with scoldings like im both a child and a villain but idk if my reactions to these types of emails are over the top or what, ive never had a relationship this volatile, it scares me, it makes me defensive, i feel like im the one who has to make amends when she goes off like this, and that doesnt feel safe. Help? Please someone...
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