I've been with someone for some times (couple years). We live together and have a mostly normal happy life.
There is always an elephant in the room. On our seventh date and before any real sexual interaction, I let him know I had herpes. You'd think this would be my biggest issue; but its not. But its related. I told him then, that if he can't handle it I understand and to not feel bad; but to just go and leave me alone.
Well he came back and though we haven't had traditional sex, we have a sex life of sorts. I could give you lots of details, but let's not. After this long though, I asked him if we could start trying actual sex.
Here's where the issues come. He's actually getting used to the herpes and says he's really not that scared of it anymore. But when he starts to think about it, he thinks about how I got it. The deal is, for a year before I met him, I had some self destructive behavior. I slept around a bit, and had the company of black men. (I guess I should mention my BF and I are white).
He is disgusted by this. He's worked in manual labor jobs with not always the cream of the crop. He'd hear conversations black guys would have about degrading women and going bare back and all sorts of things that I can only envision in pornos. I keep telling him there were no crazy things like that; but no they were not relationships either. I always used condoms but obviously I got burned anyway. I didn't just pick them up at a bar, there was a basic friendship there and conversations. He just imagines all sorts of crazy things and I can't get him to understand what he's imagining is way worse than what it was.
He just told me the other day when we talked about this that on the seventh date, if I had told him I had been with black guys, that he probably would have left. That's how much worse it is to him. Incurable STD - I can deal. You had sex with a black guy - no way.
The hope I have is that he loves me, and he actually asked if I had wanted to talk about this. Before, he seemed to like the elephant to be quiet. He said he loves me, he's trying to work on it, and that after these many years with no traditional sex, he's still here by me so what's the problem?
I want to get married, and he wants to wait right now. I just don't' know what to do at this point - I'm scared in 5 years it will be the exact same.
To give more background: He had a much more conservative sexual past.
I think that's it...I'm sure there's other details but tried to keep a long story short...
So, what can I do? I can't go back and change it.
There is always an elephant in the room. On our seventh date and before any real sexual interaction, I let him know I had herpes. You'd think this would be my biggest issue; but its not. But its related. I told him then, that if he can't handle it I understand and to not feel bad; but to just go and leave me alone.
Well he came back and though we haven't had traditional sex, we have a sex life of sorts. I could give you lots of details, but let's not. After this long though, I asked him if we could start trying actual sex.
Here's where the issues come. He's actually getting used to the herpes and says he's really not that scared of it anymore. But when he starts to think about it, he thinks about how I got it. The deal is, for a year before I met him, I had some self destructive behavior. I slept around a bit, and had the company of black men. (I guess I should mention my BF and I are white).
He is disgusted by this. He's worked in manual labor jobs with not always the cream of the crop. He'd hear conversations black guys would have about degrading women and going bare back and all sorts of things that I can only envision in pornos. I keep telling him there were no crazy things like that; but no they were not relationships either. I always used condoms but obviously I got burned anyway. I didn't just pick them up at a bar, there was a basic friendship there and conversations. He just imagines all sorts of crazy things and I can't get him to understand what he's imagining is way worse than what it was.
He just told me the other day when we talked about this that on the seventh date, if I had told him I had been with black guys, that he probably would have left. That's how much worse it is to him. Incurable STD - I can deal. You had sex with a black guy - no way.
The hope I have is that he loves me, and he actually asked if I had wanted to talk about this. Before, he seemed to like the elephant to be quiet. He said he loves me, he's trying to work on it, and that after these many years with no traditional sex, he's still here by me so what's the problem?
I want to get married, and he wants to wait right now. I just don't' know what to do at this point - I'm scared in 5 years it will be the exact same.
To give more background: He had a much more conservative sexual past.
I think that's it...I'm sure there's other details but tried to keep a long story short...
So, what can I do? I can't go back and change it.
Put the internet to work for you.
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