I was going to wait a few more weeks to post. In a few weeks it I'll be one year since I burst into tears and told DH I'd never had an orgasm with him (or anyone for that matter.) This was 18 years into our sexual relationship (and marriage.)
Over the last 4 months or so I was feeling that divorce was imminent. At least a separation. We had not been getting along on top of our other issues. It was not that I wanted to divorce or separate as much as it seemed it was going to happen because things weren't getting better and I didn't want to carry on like that.
About 6 weeks ago we had a huge fight, the only fight we've ever had about sex. (I've had sexual grievances of course - but am a sulker, not a fighter. Sexual discussions had always been tearful to this point, not violent.) This lasted for 4 days - the fight only lasted for 2 days and then negotiations commenced.
Good and bad things were said. For instance, DH said he never knew for sure if I was having orgasms or not - and it was never a priority to him. I had put a lot of energy into really good faking (I thought) and had become trapped by not wanting to disappoint him, make him feel bad, etc. Once you start faking its difficult to stop, of course, especially if you don't ever have a real one.
PS - I stopped faking of course with my tearful confession last March as what's the point?
I cried many bitter tears over him saying this, friends. I called him a selfish ass and told my friends we weren't probably going to make it in the days following.
However, then a strange thing happened. Unexpected. I had not realized how much pressure I was still putting on myself to orgasm for his sake. Often this would cause me to panic or make him stop trying because I couldn't deal with the fear of it not happening, making him feel 'bad'. As my anger subsided I started to feel free. He made it clear that me getting off (or not)had no bearing on his own sexual satisfaction. I was suddenly, unexpectedly, free of this 18 year burden (that I didn't even fully realize I had) of not wanting to hurt his feelings. I only had to worry about myself. You know, be responsible for my own orgasm (holds sides laughing over how many times I have gone off over that statement on this board.)
DH is a pretty shrewd negotiator and problem solver. After my anger subsided he asked for a sit down negotiation. He was very thrown by me being so violently angry. He said he had been so sad that week. He could see my hurt and knew he had been skating and being lazy in our relationship. It was time to get to the bottom of this issue. He started out by saying he would never reject me again. When I wanted sex we would have it, as much and as detailed as I pleased. The only thing he asked was that I was very clear about what I needed at the time. He makes a terrible mind reader (I can attest to this. Lol.)
I felt moved upon to say the same to him at this point.
Further talks continued on each other's expectations for sex (how often, how long, what it should idealy entail.)
I really felt so much better, heard, understood and cared about after discussions ended. It's been about a month now and things are working really well so far. A few weeks ago we went on a short trip together without kids. It was really wonderful. We had such a good time and I felt like we were falling in love again.
I am redoing our bedroom. It's going to be luxurious and sexy. I am making due with a lot of what we already have but new paint, light fixtures and a very sexy upholstered headboard! Every time I go in that room I want to be reminded that it is a new chapter.
Me and orgasms - I feel like I can have one when I want one. I no longer feel bound by time or thinking he would rather be watching tv. I sometimes choose to try and and a lot of the time I don't. If i want one I now also feel comfortable bringing out the vibrator or doing it myself in addition to the oral/manual from him. Because I feel like I can have one it has reduced my desperation for them.
Do I wish I was one of the ladies here who are easily and multiply orgasmic - yes of course I do. Every time a man here writes about his wife who hates sex and won't have sex but gets off 2-3x when they do - it hurts a bit. Not going to lie.
Do I wish DH and I were the sexual soulmates I read about here and in romance novels? Of course - I'm not going to lie about that either. We have never been sexual soulmates. We don't speak in the same sexual language. I don't imagine most couples have to negotiate sexual satisfaction like a business - or maybe it is more common than I think and we aren't so strange
In any case - I am happy with the way things are. I am happy with him. I have learned a lot in the past year. Most importantly that I need to ask for what I need. Sex and other parts of life. Adults ask for what they need and I'm learning. Also - if you are a lady that has never had a random orgasm in 22 years of sexual activity - it's unlikely you are going to turn into Anastasia Steele overnight - as much as you might like to. You get the cards you get. And I do understand that my experience might have been different with another man - but there is too much good in my relationship to find out for sure. And it's possible my experience would have been the same with someone else. A year ago I would have told you this was 100% DH fault and doing - but of course that hasn't ended up being true either. We were both at fault and now are both trying - it's good. It's been an unexpected surprise in life.
Sorry Miss Scarlett gets so wordy.
Over the last 4 months or so I was feeling that divorce was imminent. At least a separation. We had not been getting along on top of our other issues. It was not that I wanted to divorce or separate as much as it seemed it was going to happen because things weren't getting better and I didn't want to carry on like that.
About 6 weeks ago we had a huge fight, the only fight we've ever had about sex. (I've had sexual grievances of course - but am a sulker, not a fighter. Sexual discussions had always been tearful to this point, not violent.) This lasted for 4 days - the fight only lasted for 2 days and then negotiations commenced.
Good and bad things were said. For instance, DH said he never knew for sure if I was having orgasms or not - and it was never a priority to him. I had put a lot of energy into really good faking (I thought) and had become trapped by not wanting to disappoint him, make him feel bad, etc. Once you start faking its difficult to stop, of course, especially if you don't ever have a real one.
PS - I stopped faking of course with my tearful confession last March as what's the point?
I cried many bitter tears over him saying this, friends. I called him a selfish ass and told my friends we weren't probably going to make it in the days following.
However, then a strange thing happened. Unexpected. I had not realized how much pressure I was still putting on myself to orgasm for his sake. Often this would cause me to panic or make him stop trying because I couldn't deal with the fear of it not happening, making him feel 'bad'. As my anger subsided I started to feel free. He made it clear that me getting off (or not)had no bearing on his own sexual satisfaction. I was suddenly, unexpectedly, free of this 18 year burden (that I didn't even fully realize I had) of not wanting to hurt his feelings. I only had to worry about myself. You know, be responsible for my own orgasm (holds sides laughing over how many times I have gone off over that statement on this board.)
DH is a pretty shrewd negotiator and problem solver. After my anger subsided he asked for a sit down negotiation. He was very thrown by me being so violently angry. He said he had been so sad that week. He could see my hurt and knew he had been skating and being lazy in our relationship. It was time to get to the bottom of this issue. He started out by saying he would never reject me again. When I wanted sex we would have it, as much and as detailed as I pleased. The only thing he asked was that I was very clear about what I needed at the time. He makes a terrible mind reader (I can attest to this. Lol.)
I felt moved upon to say the same to him at this point.
Further talks continued on each other's expectations for sex (how often, how long, what it should idealy entail.)
I really felt so much better, heard, understood and cared about after discussions ended. It's been about a month now and things are working really well so far. A few weeks ago we went on a short trip together without kids. It was really wonderful. We had such a good time and I felt like we were falling in love again.
I am redoing our bedroom. It's going to be luxurious and sexy. I am making due with a lot of what we already have but new paint, light fixtures and a very sexy upholstered headboard! Every time I go in that room I want to be reminded that it is a new chapter.
Me and orgasms - I feel like I can have one when I want one. I no longer feel bound by time or thinking he would rather be watching tv. I sometimes choose to try and and a lot of the time I don't. If i want one I now also feel comfortable bringing out the vibrator or doing it myself in addition to the oral/manual from him. Because I feel like I can have one it has reduced my desperation for them.
Do I wish I was one of the ladies here who are easily and multiply orgasmic - yes of course I do. Every time a man here writes about his wife who hates sex and won't have sex but gets off 2-3x when they do - it hurts a bit. Not going to lie.
Do I wish DH and I were the sexual soulmates I read about here and in romance novels? Of course - I'm not going to lie about that either. We have never been sexual soulmates. We don't speak in the same sexual language. I don't imagine most couples have to negotiate sexual satisfaction like a business - or maybe it is more common than I think and we aren't so strange
In any case - I am happy with the way things are. I am happy with him. I have learned a lot in the past year. Most importantly that I need to ask for what I need. Sex and other parts of life. Adults ask for what they need and I'm learning. Also - if you are a lady that has never had a random orgasm in 22 years of sexual activity - it's unlikely you are going to turn into Anastasia Steele overnight - as much as you might like to. You get the cards you get. And I do understand that my experience might have been different with another man - but there is too much good in my relationship to find out for sure. And it's possible my experience would have been the same with someone else. A year ago I would have told you this was 100% DH fault and doing - but of course that hasn't ended up being true either. We were both at fault and now are both trying - it's good. It's been an unexpected surprise in life.
Sorry Miss Scarlett gets so wordy.
Put the internet to work for you.
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