Hi, I will start out with some basic info. My husband and I married at age 21. We had been together for three years prior. It was my first relationship. He was an alcoholic. I helped him through quitting and he's been sober since then. During the quitting period there was constant lying on his part and he also cheated on me while he was drunk. I don't think I ever truly moved passed it. We are now 24. Sadly, the day after I was married I felt like it was a huge mistake. I thought "Is this really it?". Plus, the reaction I received from my family was less than supportive. I am not looking to bash him or throw him under the bus. He's nice about most things as long as our conversations aren't too deep. He works and provides for me.
There's a guy I have chatted online with for many years (we live in the same city and have mutual friends). He was always sweet. Recently we started chatting more and realized we have a lot in common. We started texting and made a plan to meet. I was not intending to feel anything when I met him. Boy was I wrong. I always thought love at first sight was such bullsh*t. The second I walked up to him I felt something I have never felt before. I spent a couple hours with him. It was the best time I've had with anyone in years. He was NOT perfect. He was awkward, nervous, and told weird jokes. I loved every second of it. He was fantastic at making conversation, he was interested in my view on things. He is a professional fighter and he was tossing me around and showing me some moves and tips for if I ever got attacked. I know we both enjoyed the touching. He didn't touch me inappropriately. All he did was pick me up and I unintentionally wrapped my legs around him. It felt so righ t. We hugged a lot. I crave more. This isn't just sexual by any means. We connected in a way that I've never connected with a person before.
I never wanted to be "that wife". The cheater, the ungrateful b**ch that falls for someone else, the fool that is frowned upon, the person to hurt another person. I never thought that could be me.
The most alarming part is that I already have visions of leaving my husband for this man. What the f**k is wrong with me? I feel like a terrible person. I don't want to do this or feel this way but I can't help it.
Now on to what's missing in my marriage. I have mentioned the past lies and cheating above. I have always questioned whether I love my husband or not. I don't feel much towards him and I don't think I ever did. I guess I was too young and very stupid. My husband has never surprised me with anything, not even the proposal. Very dull and unexciting. I thought I was asexual because the idea of sex with him has always been gross to me. Recently I started thinking of sex with others and it was very appealing. I despise how he touches me. He touches me in ways that I cannot stand. I tell him this and he says "Oh well, I like it." Nice huh... and if I protest more he gets very angry with me.
Our conversations are very basic. Anything in depth he doesn't feel like hearing. We recently found out my mother has cancer and I haven't even mentioned it to my husband. I know he would just say sorry to hear that and jump right back on his laptop and never ever console me when I cry. It's easier to keep it in than to tell someone who will only upset you further with their lack of sympathy/care.
We don't go anywhere together. He would rather sit on his laptop playing video games. I don't mind if he plays them often but it would be nice to go somewhere every week or so.
I would say the problems he has with me are: lack of sex drive, no affection ,and in general he just doesn't want to hear any criticism from me or deal with any problems I'm having.
I am not trying to bash him. I am just stating the facts. I am confused and so lonely in life. I spend less and less time at home because I want to be there for my mother. He doesn't notice whether I'm home or not.
I have brought all of these issues up to him and he flat out tells me he doesn't want to hear it. Whenever he brings up an issue to me, I fix it the best I can and fully hear him out.
We have a lot of debt together. Divorcing would not be simple.
I don't know.. I'm just lonely, mad at myself, and confused. I honestly don't know what I want from life.
All I can think of is this other guy. What do I do? :confused:
There's a guy I have chatted online with for many years (we live in the same city and have mutual friends). He was always sweet. Recently we started chatting more and realized we have a lot in common. We started texting and made a plan to meet. I was not intending to feel anything when I met him. Boy was I wrong. I always thought love at first sight was such bullsh*t. The second I walked up to him I felt something I have never felt before. I spent a couple hours with him. It was the best time I've had with anyone in years. He was NOT perfect. He was awkward, nervous, and told weird jokes. I loved every second of it. He was fantastic at making conversation, he was interested in my view on things. He is a professional fighter and he was tossing me around and showing me some moves and tips for if I ever got attacked. I know we both enjoyed the touching. He didn't touch me inappropriately. All he did was pick me up and I unintentionally wrapped my legs around him. It felt so righ t. We hugged a lot. I crave more. This isn't just sexual by any means. We connected in a way that I've never connected with a person before.
I never wanted to be "that wife". The cheater, the ungrateful b**ch that falls for someone else, the fool that is frowned upon, the person to hurt another person. I never thought that could be me.
The most alarming part is that I already have visions of leaving my husband for this man. What the f**k is wrong with me? I feel like a terrible person. I don't want to do this or feel this way but I can't help it.
Now on to what's missing in my marriage. I have mentioned the past lies and cheating above. I have always questioned whether I love my husband or not. I don't feel much towards him and I don't think I ever did. I guess I was too young and very stupid. My husband has never surprised me with anything, not even the proposal. Very dull and unexciting. I thought I was asexual because the idea of sex with him has always been gross to me. Recently I started thinking of sex with others and it was very appealing. I despise how he touches me. He touches me in ways that I cannot stand. I tell him this and he says "Oh well, I like it." Nice huh... and if I protest more he gets very angry with me.
Our conversations are very basic. Anything in depth he doesn't feel like hearing. We recently found out my mother has cancer and I haven't even mentioned it to my husband. I know he would just say sorry to hear that and jump right back on his laptop and never ever console me when I cry. It's easier to keep it in than to tell someone who will only upset you further with their lack of sympathy/care.
We don't go anywhere together. He would rather sit on his laptop playing video games. I don't mind if he plays them often but it would be nice to go somewhere every week or so.
I would say the problems he has with me are: lack of sex drive, no affection ,and in general he just doesn't want to hear any criticism from me or deal with any problems I'm having.
I am not trying to bash him. I am just stating the facts. I am confused and so lonely in life. I spend less and less time at home because I want to be there for my mother. He doesn't notice whether I'm home or not.
I have brought all of these issues up to him and he flat out tells me he doesn't want to hear it. Whenever he brings up an issue to me, I fix it the best I can and fully hear him out.
We have a lot of debt together. Divorcing would not be simple.
I don't know.. I'm just lonely, mad at myself, and confused. I honestly don't know what I want from life.
All I can think of is this other guy. What do I do? :confused:
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