A woman is someone who knows her worth and doesn't settle for anything less. I am learning that everything I have tolerated is my own fault. Long story short my first everything with a man was at aged 18-20 i loved him like no other and honestly no matter what anyone say you just know when your in love it a mixture of passionate emotions. He is a typical guy loves women and they are his weakness i on the other hand have never been with a man but him. Now i have all these emotions thinking about how I should never have acted in a way that put my morals on the line. because now I am a ball of hatred and regret all wrapped into a female. this year has been hard I am lost at times these are the moments in your life that define you or create you im learning that anger doesn't get you anywhere. we have to learn to be grateful for even the worst so thank God now I know that when it comes to my heart my head is always compromised so I can learn to protect myself and become a better woman. A lot of the times what he(my first love) fails to realize is if I could make the right move I would have but when its your first encounter with a man you don't really know what the right move is. I remember I once spoke to this random guy about my problems it was very out of character for me but I needed a mans perspective and I thought since he doesn't know me let me ask him he told me that I should never have given the second chance if I knew my value I wouldn't have and at the back of my mind i knew he was right. I am young only 20 and naïve and im okay with that because im learning as i go he was my first kiss and at 20 i still haven't had sex but im proud of that because I realise that making love is a great thing and i want it to happen in the right way (my wedding night) honestly he didnt deserve my efforts he knew how much i loved him but still did me dirty and hurt me beyond belief but I think if anyone else was my first I would have been as attached. Theres something about wanting to fix a man that keeps a woman around I mean is it the fact that I thought I was a lot of woman and he would naturally be a man I don't know. Today was the final straw , everyday something happens you learn about yourself apart of me was angered but apart of me was only yelling because I thought that he deserved it. Does that mean that I didn't actually care , I don't know but I do know that I have to much damn pride to talk to him again. I also realized that its better to be calm and leave a silent storm then be verbal and abusive .l have my llife that god has blessed me with isn't that the best gift at the end of the day. Although I hate him right now I know my love was true and I would have done anything for that man he wants to be friends honestly hes never deserved my friendship I mean he has great character and presence but hes hurt me more then a friend ever has and although I can always forgive a woman needs to know when to move on. I should have moved on a long long time ago. Im thankful for this experience every time I get sad ill just remember the great woman i will become and be strong. Here is to 2014 and the great people im about to meet both friends and lovers when I say lovers I mean my career plans because im about to think like a business woman rather then an erratic 20 year old full of passion channeled into the wrong place. For all those people who think of harming themselves because of a love lost understand your great and its just a part of life this world is a game and none of us come out alive anyway so why end a life that could be great.:):)
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