Apologies for the length of this opening post, but I need to provide some background. I hope at least a few will plow through and respond.
We've had a couple of threads about men's reactions to what their wives did or didn't do in the past and whether they did or didn't do the same things for their husbands. I have a related question from a different angle and I'd like to get the benefit of others' views.
My wife and I are happily married and always have been, so I've been more an observer on these forums than someone seeking advice. And yet, when about three weeks ago I learned some surprising facts about her sexual history (details don't matter here)—a discovery she doesn't know about yet—I was hit with the retrospective jealousy bug. Bah! I did not expect to learn about her past and if I did, I did not expect to have such a reaction. I thought I was a better man than this. I'm disappointed in myself.
However, in apparent contrast to many others who go down this route, I have not and will not throw her history in her face or question her about it or use it as emotional blackmail or anything like that. I am fully aware that her past has nothing to do with us—I don't need that standard lecture; you'd be preaching to the choir. I know this whole retrospective jealousy thing is entirely irrational and it's MY problem, MY demon, MY responsibility to get over it without inflicting anything negative on her. And I'm working hard on doing exactly that. There's no way in hell I'd allow my irrational reactions to come between us and ruin a wonderful relationship. Ain't gonna happen.
However, my wife knows that something's going on in my head. It's not because I've pulled away from her. I've done everything I can to change nothing about how I relate to her. The problem is that the RJ mind games in my head have kept me awake at night and she's picked up on my difficulty sleeping. The fight between my rational, reasonable mind and the OCD tendencies feeding on the RJ have also made me a bit more irritable during the day. She just knows me too well for me to be credible saying that nothing's bothering me.
My plan was to work through this on my own and never mention it to her, partly to avoid having her think less of me for obsessing about something so unimportant (and the fact that my knowing violates her privacy) and partly to avoid seeming like I'm demanding details from her that I really, really don't want. Also, I'm afraid that admitting that some part of my mind is bothered, no matter how irrational it is, will be taken as a negative judgment about her. But she's a sweetheart and she wants to know what's bothering me. She's adamant that whatever it is, it's better to get it in the open.
We had a discussion a while back, before I got this !@#$*! RJ bug, about whether she would agree that some things are better left unsaid even between a loving couple. I used the example of my having an affair (which hasn't happened—it's a complete hypothetical). To my surprise, she said she would want to know about it. How could I disagree with her when she used such loving wisdom as this (it's a direct quote):
"Guilt is a poison and it leaches out beyond the primary person feeling it to affect other relationships, health, etcetera. Forgiveness (of self and others) acknowledges that we're human, we make mistakes and yet can - in fact must - move on. Love is the key. I would hope that our love can help us get through anything."
I confess I got all teary-eyed when I read that the first time.
So at last to my question: should I talk to her about what I'm going through and why I'm going through it? If I should talk to her about it, how much detail should I get into? What if she wants to know specifically what in her past has triggered my RJ? Do I give a candid answer? Or should I say, following my original inclination, that I've just got some things on my mind that I need to work through about work or our younger son (both true, but neither of which I'm obsessing about)? Of course, that wouldn't really be the truth and would create another issue of lack of honesty.
Be kind in any response.
We've had a couple of threads about men's reactions to what their wives did or didn't do in the past and whether they did or didn't do the same things for their husbands. I have a related question from a different angle and I'd like to get the benefit of others' views.
My wife and I are happily married and always have been, so I've been more an observer on these forums than someone seeking advice. And yet, when about three weeks ago I learned some surprising facts about her sexual history (details don't matter here)—a discovery she doesn't know about yet—I was hit with the retrospective jealousy bug. Bah! I did not expect to learn about her past and if I did, I did not expect to have such a reaction. I thought I was a better man than this. I'm disappointed in myself.
However, in apparent contrast to many others who go down this route, I have not and will not throw her history in her face or question her about it or use it as emotional blackmail or anything like that. I am fully aware that her past has nothing to do with us—I don't need that standard lecture; you'd be preaching to the choir. I know this whole retrospective jealousy thing is entirely irrational and it's MY problem, MY demon, MY responsibility to get over it without inflicting anything negative on her. And I'm working hard on doing exactly that. There's no way in hell I'd allow my irrational reactions to come between us and ruin a wonderful relationship. Ain't gonna happen.
However, my wife knows that something's going on in my head. It's not because I've pulled away from her. I've done everything I can to change nothing about how I relate to her. The problem is that the RJ mind games in my head have kept me awake at night and she's picked up on my difficulty sleeping. The fight between my rational, reasonable mind and the OCD tendencies feeding on the RJ have also made me a bit more irritable during the day. She just knows me too well for me to be credible saying that nothing's bothering me.
My plan was to work through this on my own and never mention it to her, partly to avoid having her think less of me for obsessing about something so unimportant (and the fact that my knowing violates her privacy) and partly to avoid seeming like I'm demanding details from her that I really, really don't want. Also, I'm afraid that admitting that some part of my mind is bothered, no matter how irrational it is, will be taken as a negative judgment about her. But she's a sweetheart and she wants to know what's bothering me. She's adamant that whatever it is, it's better to get it in the open.
We had a discussion a while back, before I got this !@#$*! RJ bug, about whether she would agree that some things are better left unsaid even between a loving couple. I used the example of my having an affair (which hasn't happened—it's a complete hypothetical). To my surprise, she said she would want to know about it. How could I disagree with her when she used such loving wisdom as this (it's a direct quote):
"Guilt is a poison and it leaches out beyond the primary person feeling it to affect other relationships, health, etcetera. Forgiveness (of self and others) acknowledges that we're human, we make mistakes and yet can - in fact must - move on. Love is the key. I would hope that our love can help us get through anything."
I confess I got all teary-eyed when I read that the first time.
So at last to my question: should I talk to her about what I'm going through and why I'm going through it? If I should talk to her about it, how much detail should I get into? What if she wants to know specifically what in her past has triggered my RJ? Do I give a candid answer? Or should I say, following my original inclination, that I've just got some things on my mind that I need to work through about work or our younger son (both true, but neither of which I'm obsessing about)? Of course, that wouldn't really be the truth and would create another issue of lack of honesty.
Be kind in any response.
Put the internet to work for you.
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