| This is a very very long post so thank you if you are taking the time to read it I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years. This is a lot so I'm going to date it. Sep 2006: I met my boyfriend in my first year at uni and I lost my virginity to him. We loved each other but I had a very difficult relationship with my parents and that would cause fights between my boyfriend and I. I became depressed. 2007: We had fun and enjoyed each other's company. We had lots of sex. He made me feel more confident (on my good days) and was supportive and encouraging. My boyfriend supported me when my parents were difficult. Neither of us realised at the time that I was depressed but my behaviour became more and more difficult and erratic. He supported me and stayed with me even though I am now aware several of his friends advised him to dump me. We did the Edinburgh fringe together and while there were some good times, it was stressful and strained our relationship. I started second year and became disillusioned with my course. 2008: I failed large chunks of my course and had resits in September. He supported me and suggested I go to counselling and the doctor. I did and was diagnosed with depression. I moved into a new flat and it was horrific. My boyfriend had an uncle on the council and helped me to sort it out. In June he cheated on me because he couldn't cope with my behaviour and feeling he could never make me happy. He had been flirting with the girl for several months and had taken her to a gig. I had ignored it despite feeling it was beginning to cross the line because I didn't want to be "the crazy possessive girlfriend" I wanted him to be comfortable having female friends. I was devastated. I had never felt so hurt or betrayed in my life. I forgave him and took him back because I was so depressed and fragile and I loved him so much I could literally not function or envision living without him. We didn't really talk about it and I slept with him again a week after the incident. Every now and again it came up. I wanted him to get tested a month later when I discovered they had not used a condom. It made my skin crawl, but he refused, saying that I had been sleeping with him and I didn't have anything (recent check-up) so why did it matter. I was angry at him for that.I failed my resit and left my course. 2009: It took me until February to find a full time job (working as a hospital cleaner). Throughout this period he was always there for me and helped me to motivate myself when I felt I couldn't be bothered to job hunt. I was really crappy at supporting him through 4th year when he was really stressed. He was accepted for a PhD and moved to a new town. We did long distance for 6 months. I applied to a new course and was accepted.2010: The long distance was tough. I felt isolated and my new flatmate was a cow and more untidy that me. We had ups and downs but it worked. He was making new friends and getting on well in his PhD. My depression was getting better. In May (4 months before new course starting) my flatmate pulled a fast one and got her landlord dad to evict me so her boyfriend could move in. On short notice I had to move in with my boyfriend. We had fought about moving in with each other previously because I was and still am a hellishly untidy disorganised person, but at the time we decided we were ready for it. He supported me financially over the summer because I couldn't find a job in the town he lived in. I started my course in another town. 2011: I lived with my boyfriend part time over the holidays and in uni accommodation in term time. While at home he supported us because he was earning more through his PhD funding. At uni, I suddenly was surrounded by all these gorgeous single 18 and 19 year old guys again. I was restless. I had an embarrassing school girl crush on a 4th year guy. I became resentful because I always went home and my boyfriend visited me a grand total of 5 times in the two years I was in uni housing. He was busy with his PhD. I felt like we were in different places and the urge to sleep with someone else was pretty powerful. I wanted and still want to experience other men. Our sex life has really slowed down. Various health and mental issues with me and him. It lacks spontaneity and if one of us is in the mood the other is not. It's frustrating. I promised myself that I would not be one of those people in a long term relationship who has resigned themselves to occasional sex. We don't even have kids! Which he wants and I don't. He refuses to discuss this potential relationship deal breaker.I told my boyfriend about my crush. We had a difficult tearful conversation about the possibility of a break. We decided against it. Thankfully the guy graduated before I made a complete fool of myself. 2012: Uni has been tough. I had a really bad first semester of third year. Second semester of second year wasn't much better. I had a major falling out with my parents and my boyfriend stood up for me. The result was pretty nuclear. I was back in counselling. I finally dealt with him cheating on me. There has now been some reconciliation with my parents but it was very stressful for my boyfriend. I was up to my same old disorganised flighty tricks and he put up with that. I'm not proud of it.In October 2012 he became disillusioned with his PhD and became depressed. He is still signed off with stress. I am now studying abroad, and he found money for flights and initial expenses. Now: While abroad those feelings of cheating are resurfacing. Our relationship has been a rollercoaster (you are getting the edited highlights) and I think I do still love my boyfriend. I missed him very badly in the first few weeks and wanted to go home. Every so often, especially after he cheated on me, I almost talked myself into being single again, and then would burst into tears and talk myself out of it again. It's a nagging feeling that rears its ugly head every once in a while. Do I want to spend my life with this man? What happens if I hit 35 (I'm 25) and still don't want kids? 16 years of my life he'll have had. Can I really be sure he is the one when I have known nothing else? He has made it very clear he wants to build a future with me. He has put away a small inheritance he received for our future. He has stayed with me through things that quite frankly have shown him to be a man and not a boy. He puts up with my crazy and my mess and loves me even though a lesser man would have shown me the door. He supports me financially.I need to sort my head out once and for all because I can't bear the guilt of him doing all this for me and me ****ing off because I've decided I don't love him anymore. I was devastated when he cheated on me but study abroad has offered the ultimate have your cake and eat it opportunity. I don't want to hurt him or make him feel used but I am terrified this could get so much worse if left to fester. It's self-preservation too. I don't want to spend the best part of my life with someone I am not 100% sure is my soul mate. Part of me wonders if cheating would help me to clarify my priorities. Decide once and for all if I love him or this relationship has run its course but I need advice and help to answer that question. If you have got here, I thank you for your perseverance! Thanks in advance for any help. | |||
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