| It's been nearly 3 weeks now since he walked out of our nine and 1/2 year relationship to move in with the OW. He'd known her, and had been carrying on with her, for 2 months. The week, I began to suspect, I did what many of us do - looked through the emails, phone calls, bank accounts. I went crazy. I cried, screamed, blamed him, myself, begged him to stay, went to counseling - During counseling, he was asked to not see her. He did anyway. It was the worst 4 days of my life. I even nearly thought of taking my life, especially when he told me "he hated me for keeping me from her". I then went through the "stages of death". Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. The acceptance came when I finally went up to him on the couch, where he'd chosen to sleep (he didn't want to betray her, ha!) "okay, go and live with her". He is 50 years old. A musician. I call him the pied piper. The warning signs had been there for years. He came from a European Spanish family. He'd lived with his mother until he was 40 years old, before he'd moved in with me. He'd never made a bed, paid a bill, did his laundry, learned how to work through simple argument in a relationship - His siblings told me his mother spoiled him, let him get away with everything. He was called "the Prince". My father, a psychologist, said he is a classic narcissist. And he is. He's never wrong, nothing is ever his fault, "you made him do it". I'd caught him once before, 2 years previously. He'd said it never got sexual. It was w a previous girlfriend, who was still obsessed with him. He told me he was "only using her for favors". But this one was different. He's in love. She's 52. I'm 47. I lived in Italy for years before I returned to NY, for HIM; I also fell for the pied piper syndrome. He's a flamenco singer - very seductive. I was a very successful journalist, and had always lived well. But when I moved him out of his mother's house, it was up to me to build a life for us. Entirely. Every stick of furniture, amenities, etc. in 2008, I'd had it - taking jobs beneath me just to support us, and told him it was his turn. We barely made it. But he somewhat rose to the occasion, just enough to survive, while i went back to writing. His other weakness was his habitual drug habit and tendency to stay out later than he promised. Now, what is wrong with me, you might ask, that I would put up with someone like this so obviously emotionally crippled? Firstly, there is my mental diagnosis struggle of bipolar disorder. But I'd been working on it, actively, for 12 years. Cognitive therapy, 3 times a week, as well as supportive psych meds. But his behavior consistently exacerbated it, and I felt I was struggling against a rip tide. We are both artists, passionate, and the sexual addiction to each other didn't help matters. But my anger, in the last six months, kept bubbling to the surface, and made remarks I hated myself for. He left me with a dirty house after working all day, or stay out all night, verbal bile would spew out - I hated him, didn't love him, didn't want to live with him, I'd say - while alternatively beg for counseling, for rehab. In the counseling session, the counselor asked if he was aware of my diagnosis. He said he was, but never believed it. The counselor asked if he'd ever bothered to educate himself on it. After all, I'd educated myself on addiction. He'd said no. The day he moved out, he asked why I wanted him now. I'd said I didn't love him anymore previously. So, he found someone who did value him. He had every right to find someone. I had no idea - he'd do so by spending two months lying to me, sleeping with me, her, making plans with her, introducing her to some our mutual friends, and then, simply walk out of my life, and into a new one. I am now left destitute. Moreover, this man, who I basically "raised" from a 40 year old, has now moved into a much better apartment, in the city (we lived in the burbs), nicer furniture, with a woman who does EVERYTHING for him. I compare myself to her. I made the mistake of finding everything I could about her. She created an online shop for him, a facebook page to sell his music, does yoga, ex-marathon runner, vegan (yet smokes, and does occasional cocaine), markets two companies, owns two apartments, decorated zen like. I was a slob. Because I was depressed, I never cleaned (I never had a partner who helped, either). He's someone who is EXTREMELY insecure, and equates love with what one can do FOR him. And presently, she's doing everything. He's suddenly gone from eating McDonald's and Chicken Fingers to being a vegan and drug free. I hate to say it, but it's one of the first times I didn't wish for the best in a partner. I pray that he fails and goes back to his old ways - and makes her as miserable as he made me. I can barely get him to keep up his financial end of the bargain to at least pay the rent for another month. There is no guilt, no sense of obligation. I feel guilty for the things I said. I told him I'd said those things out of desperation, out of disappointment. But I'm dealing with an extremely immature, self-centered man. I understand she has a 13 year old son. It's going to be interesting to see how long THAT works out. My heart is breaking. He's cold as ice. I miss him. I hate him. I hate her. I'm furious with myself that I suffered for over nine years raising a peter pan only to raise him enough to be ready to be man enough for his new relationship. It's not fair. It's not fair to be left picking up the pieces - while he simply skips merrily along into a new life - all set up for him. I wonder, what are the chances of success of this next relationship with her? And how long will it take me to get over the agonizing pain? His things are still here, and he owes me money. What do I do? My only prayer, is that karma gets everyone. I know. Because it's happened to me. What sucks, is the waiting. | |||
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