This is real

Things haven't been good for a while. Maybe we expected too much of each other, maybe there just never was enough. He changed jobs a few years ago and we ended up paying a mortgage and rent at the same time when we had to move because the house was not selling. We lost the house, and then he lost that job. We moved to start new with a cheaper rental. I got pregnant even though he said he didn't want more kids and I told him he needed a vasectomy if so. He never really did take responsibility for birth control, it was always me. So I was pregnant and it was a rough pregnancy and I said no more. He had to have the surgery before the baby was born. He is five, and I have had surgery instead. I know I resent that, but I tried to let it go. 2 of our 3 kids have behavioral health issues. One may have a high functions spectrum disorder, the other has a massive rage disorder at just five years, so parenting has not been easy. However H has OCD. Our arguments revolve around I never do anything and he has to do it all with house cleaning. My son has started calling me lazy because he thinks it is normal. Recently I got sick. A cold for two weeks or so I thought. Then the flu before recovering from that but things got worse health wise and I ended up with mono. The entire time he worked long hours, the kids were all sick with me and I cared for them while he worked. He'd come home, keep working and then hold the kids. I begged for a hug. He said he didn't want what I had...even though he has had mono before. I begged for a break from the kids. He said "I never get a break when you work. Deal with it". I confronted him on how aloof he was. He had nothing to say. I felt abandoned in my weakest state. As I was one bed rest I picked up a spindle I had ordered earlier and began to play with drop spinning to make yarn, in the moments I was awake, partially to keep my hands busy so they wouldn't scratch my legs all up due to the mono rash (which is rare, lucky me). His response was "why can't you have normal hobbies, I don't even like talking to my friends about what you do because i t embarrasses me". I was crushed, and cried all night. We haven't really slept in th same room in ages because he normally lays down with the kids to get them to sleep and ends up falling asleep, so he never saw me cry. I began to realize all the looks he gave me while I was sick was of disgust. And I couldn't talk to him for days. He finally got angry and asked me what was wrong. I tried to explain, and he said "so what do you want a separation"? And that was that. I felt like I could breathe. It was liberating thinking about it. However, now I'm having a hard time finding housing I can afford, since I have a ton of hospital debt and not a very good job. He is offering to pay support, but still, it is not enough with my bills. He has stopped helping with the kids mostly and left me to do all their care. He sleeps in another room. I have been fine, and just trying to plan. Tonight he wanted to go through bills. We did. He handed me my debit card and insurance cards and it hit me. This is for real. He said he loved me, but doesn't act it. I wish he would. I keep thinking it didn't have to be this way. He could have gotten help for his OCD. He is medicated but refuses therapy. We could have gone to marriage counseling. I've been begging for years. But he wouldn't have that either. I'm terrified of surviving alone. Terrified of being alone. His family has rallied around him, providing housing and furniture (neither of us can afford to stay in this house we rent). My parents said "suck it up if he's not hitting you". They are five states away anyway, so I really will have no one and I'm absolutely scared now. Since he handed me my debit card, I walked into my room and haven't stopped crying. I feel bipolar with how good I felt abut this just a few hours ago. And now I'm a blithering mess. He was my one and only. The thought of intimacy with another man grosses me out. So I fear I will be alone forever. And now I'm rambling and can't see the keypad on my iPad through the tears anyway, so I will stop now. I just needed. To talk to someone who understands.

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979