| Sorry for the long story but never in a million years did I think I would be writing this post. My wife and I have been married for almost 22 year and we have a great marriage. Of course we had our minor disagreements but no real fights. We have three great children and I have a job that allows her to not work full time. We have a great sex life and for mid forties are both in top shape. She doesn't realize it but she gets male visual attention anywhere she goes – especially at the gym. It started in Nov with a friendship she formed with another dance instructor (she is a fitness instructor). She started attending his classes and then working on improving her dancing with him. Turns out he is (in my opinion) somewhat of a predator with a crappy life. He used his massive problems to turn my wife into his personal counselor. "I can't talk to anyone else"; "I can't tell **** (his girlfriend) because she wouldn't understand the way you do". You get the gist. His life sucks and my wife is a very empathetic person who responds well to that type of neediness. So in late November he makes a pass at her and they kissed. She said she was shocked and confused and pushed him away but at this point the "friendship" was important to her. Her dancing was improving, her classes were getting bigger, and she felt like she was truly helping a friend. To be honest she was enjoying the limelight/fantasy/attention she was getting from him and all the other women in his classes. There is some important background her that I need to explain. We met in college when she was a freshman. I was her first and only sexual partner and although I asked her about that early on in our marriage, I had not asked if that was an issue for probably the last 5 or so years. So co-incident with the OM making a pass at her she started thinking about having only one sexual partner for her life. This seems to have caused a dilemma/fantasy/midlife crisis and was a strong factor in the affair. The next step was a stronger pass including him performing brief oral on her. Again she was freaked out but the curiosity grew. From there it became a PA with four occurrences of sex (all with a condom). This all happened is the second half a December and early 2013 with the last occurrence the week of Jan 7th. I was getting suspicious and I am a very perceptive person. I started questioning the time she was spending with the OM even though most of the time they were together was focused on dancing it was still too much time. We had two or three discussions about it and they all ended with "we are just friends". The week of Jan 7th I started getting really worried so on Friday I checked her cell phone for text messages. There was only one text so it was obvious to me that she was deleting them and keeping a secret. She has not ever kept any secrets from me in the 20+ years of marriage or while dating before that. I was very worried and checked the cell phone records online. I discovered a lot of short phone calls to the OMs cell phone. At this point I am worried but it was late and she was already in bed sleeping. I let it go for the night but the next night I noticed she was texting with someone so I discreetly took her phone to see what was going on. There was a few texted to the OM- it was during the playoff football game so most of it was referencing the game but the last text confirmed my gut feel. Although not overtly sexual, it was more flirty and funny but I still confronted her about it over dinner. I made the mistake of doing that in front of the children so she initially denied it. We went out for a long walk and after about 10 min of "it was an inappropriate friendship" and "there was some inappropriate touching" she told me the truth. I have not felt that type of pain since I was a child (alcoholic father so I am no stranger to pain and lies) but I never expected it from my wife. We got the children in bed and then talked the entire night. She gave me all of the details save one she was too afraid to discuss for fear of me kicking her out. We talked and cried for hours and discussed all the painful details. It really seemed to me that she was as shocked as I was- almost like she had an out of body experience and suddenly realized it was her that did those things. I saw true guilt and genuine remorse in her eyes. Now I have to say that I am a very black and white type guy. Maybe that is due to my childhood but I am very strict about who I associate with. I once left a job because my boss lied to me and I don't play golf with people who cheat. That's just me so my very first reaction was to kick her out. So as we talked and cried on D-Day I was determined to find a way to kick her out. Amazingly enough as we talked I realized how much I truly love my wife and knew that there was no way I could ask her to leave. Despite the overwhelming pain and sorrow I know in my heart I cannot live without her. So after demanding all of the hateful details, the sexual and non-sexual, I started making a plan to save my marriage. She was forthcoming in all details except that it actually happened once in my house. She was afraid that first night that would have put me over the edge and I would have ended the marriage then and there. She was very adamant that she would do anything to save our marriage. I mean anything including letting me have an affair, getting a boob job, signing divorce papers very favorable to me that we lock in a safety deposit box as a deterrent (but don't file unless she has another affair), no contact with OM, full transparency, STD test, and she suggested MC. I don't think two wrongs right anything so the affair doesn't interest me (just not something I would do and I don't think it would help the situation). So after talking and crying all night I say I would at least make an attempt to save the marriage. We made love around 8:00 in the morning (crying the entire time) and then finally got a few hours of sleep. Strangely enough we have made love every day since D-day and still have the magical attraction we always have had. I called the OM on Sun night and ended the relationship. He is a scumbag that wasn't interested in a long term relationship with my wife so I didn't expect or get any resistance from him. My wife followed up with a NC letter and very stern discussion about how he wronged her. There will be no additional communication between the two as I am watching her cell phone log, all texts, and have a tracking device on her phone. She welcomes all these things and will do anything I ask on the transparency front. We attended MC on the Wed following D-day and had a long and productive session. We had a follow up session on Sat (D-day plus on week) where she told me it happened in our house. Although I understand her hesitation at telling me initially it did cause me to question my initial desire to save the marriage. It caused me to question every detail of the affair and for the last week I keep asking her painfully detailed questions. She has answered every question without anger but with guilt and remorse in her eyes (along with a lot of tears). We have not disclosed this to anyone but our best couple friends who live out of state. I would prefer that no one ever find out and I think it would literally kill my mother because she is in poor health and absolutely reveres my wife. Also I sold my wedding ring to a gold dealer. I felt it was tainted and I couldn't wear it anymore. My wife agreed to this but I told her when we feel we are really on the road to full recovery she can ask me to re-marry her. Then she can buy me a new ring as the symbol of our new (and hopefully stronger) commitment to each other. At this point I understand what happened, understand how it happened, and I even understand how she could compartmentalize it so that she was not considering the enormous potential consequences of her actions. My question for all of you and my purpose in putting this painful story onto "paper" is to ask for advice. I am as I said very black and white and also have a very difficult time with forgiveness. I want to know if you think I am crazy for wanting and trying to save my marriage and still hopelessly loving my wife even though she was a WS. I have no fear of her ever doing this again. I should have more trust issues but I can see the pain, regret, and guilt in her eyes. We are going to continue MC and do our best to put this awful mess behind us. So am I crazy for giving my wife of 22 years a second chance? | |||
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