| Hi all, first post, need to share my story. Let me start by saying I know my husband didn't physically cheat on me, or even have an "all out" emotional affair. But he did have an EA of some sorts. Not nearly as terrible as many stories I have read here (I'm sorry), but I find myself identifying with the feelings others post, so it has triggered a similar emotional reaction on my side. I'm going to try to be as succinct as I can, but it's tough b/c the story is long and complicated. In a nutshell, I found out that my husband talked to his old high school flame by phone (once prior to our marriage and then once again after being together 18+ years). They also shared private emails. I had given him permission to be friends with her on facebook after he pleaded with me to allow it, saying he didn't want to hurt her feelings, and at this point she was "just a good old friend". I thought I was being too controlling/jealous, so I relented. Shortly after they became friends, she brought up the chat feature; he called me into the room to witness the conversation b/c he said he didn't want to hide anything from me. She was flirtatious with him "have I really changed that much?" and then at the very end of the conversation said "I won't forget our promise now and forever". WTF? Of course that sent me over the edge, but my husband said he had no clue what she was talking about, it had to be some old memory she had from their highschool days. He promised me he would not talk to her on chat (we turned off the feature) and would let me know if any inappropriate contact from her happened. I wasn't comfortable with it, but since he called me in the room to witness their conversation, I felt like he was being super forward and honest with me. I trusted him and again told myself I was being over jealous. He promised me no contact other than facebook. Well, I find out now (a few years later) that after that conversation, they exchanged private emails and via that exchanged phone numbers. He says she called him, they only talked once. He said he wanted to find out about her x-husband, whom she had married after breaking up with my husband (he says it was a mutual break up, and he could have gotten her back if he wanted her, b/c he had actually done so once prior - resulting in her calling off the engagement). He was happy to hear he turned out to be a jerk. They talked about her new fiance, and he said he was really happy for her b/c she seemed happy. He said he had a "compulsion" to speak with her, and he got "closure" afterwards - like he was happy and could put it behind him. It would be one thing if he needed to call and get closure before getting married to me. However, he actually already had that chance - he admits to me now he called her about a year before we got married to tell her "I've found the one, I'm good", and she was happy for him. But why, why did he have to call and talk to her AGAIN, after 18 years of building a life with me? Why would he risk it all? Note that also before she got married the first time, she called him to tell him. So, it appears they have this bond between them that they developed in high school, where they call each other before they get married/remarried. He said they went through rough times together (difficult family situations) as teenagers (both got kicked out of their houses), and it created a bond b/c they share that - but "she is just a good friend". It hurts me so to know he has an emotional bond like this with another woman, one that has lasted over 30 years. It doesn't sound like much to be upset about, but it has rocked me to the core. We had a "pact" between us - we always said that if one of us cheated on the other, it would be OVER - there would be no chance of reconciliation, no forgiving. That pact allowed me to be 100% vulnerable to him, to trust him 100%. My heart was completely open to him, and he stabbed me straight in it. I am so incredibly hurt. My belief in true love has been destroyed. I now do not think pure love is possible. We were "that couple" that everyone looked up to, admired. We held ourselves to a higher standard. We thought our relationship was nearly perfect. We talked about how lucky we were to have found each other. Yes, we talked like this even 18 years into being married. We were still so very much in love. And now, my belief in him has been shattered. I never thought he would hide something this big from me, never in a million years did I think he would do something like this. Never did I think he would sneak around behind my back. I hate my life. I feel like 30 years went by between he and this old flame - yet it was never really resolved or "over". I feel like I gave him 100% of my heart, but I didn't get all of his. If he had loved me with ALL of his heart, he never would have WANTED to talk to her, let alone sneak around behind my back to do it. He knew I didn't want them to have any contact beyond facebook - I had specifically asked him to not do so. Yet he disrespected my feelings and hurt me anyways. That isn't true love. I believed in him. I had him so high on pedestal. He has always been my "good man" who took care of me so well through the years. Now I don't know who he really is. He hid this from me, and I never in a million years thought he would do anything like this. Will I ever trust again? Should I? I don't want to let my guard down. I don't want to trust him again. He was such a great pretender. Fooled me completely. I feel like such a damn fool. I don't want to ever be hurt like this again. I let myself be vulnerable to him, and he stabbed me in the heart. At the same time, I don't want to be the pretender, pretending all is ok between us, when it is not. I am so hurt, so angry - I feel like could explode. Being angry is so NOT me. It's been a week and a half since I found out about their phone conversation. At some points I feel like I'm starting to reconnect with him, then I remember finding her phone number in his cell phone, and I am angry and hurt all over again. I'm so afraid of trusting him again. He took away three things from me: 1) My belief in true love. 2) Feeling loved unconditionally by another. 3) Being able to trust another human being 100%. Thank you for reading my story. Again, I know he didn't cheat physically on me (we live states away from the old girlfriend, plus I do feel in my heart that has not happened). However I am hurt to the core emotionally, and I don't know how to move forward. He is very repentant, willing to go to counseling, etc., etc., which I guess we should do. | |||
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