Not sure if I posted this in the right spot, I have been a member for a long time, but not one that posts often.
I am in a new relationship with a woman I want to marry. We have been together for nine months now and are planning on marrying each other soon, we even wear rings already and frequently refer to each other as husband and wife to other people.
I have a 5 year old daughter from a previous marriage, that on its own has led to a lot of stress between me and my spouse as we parent differently and ,my daughter has had a hard time coping with all the changes she has experienced in the past two years me and my ex wife have been separated. (we are legally divorced). My spouse is the primary caretaker of my daughter, she stays home with her everyday as my daughter in not in school yet. She starts kindergarten next month. My spouse does everything for my daughter as I am not home very much during my work week. I work 6 days on 3 off and get home at 11pm. So at this point my daughter is already asleep. The three days I am off, I can feel like a tug o war rope between the two girls in my house. I appreciate they want me, but when I couple the tug o war rope effect with my jobs very stressful environment, it leaves me feeling as if I am always serving everybody else. I work as a Correctional officer who works works only segrega ted inmates.
Continuing the previously mentioned feeling of only serving others, I work with inmates at work who cannot do anything for themselves. They are locked up nearly 24/7 in a cell. Which leaves me bringing them anything and everything they need. Lets not leave out the fact I am frequently cussed out, retaliated against and called derogatory names such as gay and homosexual and many other bad things. On top of this, my so workers are a whole nother story.
After reflecting on my job, of which most people could never imagine the stresses that involves, I am essentially a servant at work except I am rarely appreciated and work in 100+ degree cell blocks with no air circulation. I am left feeling like something has to give.
Me and my spouse fight about the same things over and over, let me remind you we have been together 9 months. She is a wonderful woman that I do not want to part with. We fight about how to parent my daughter. I feel as if this subject is sensitive and that there should be criticism of the positive type being put in by the both of us. I should be able to tell her what I FEEL she is doing wrong and what she could do better all while being able to take these same things from her. This whole step parenting thing seems so be hard to balance. On top of this we both had bad childhoods that were partly due to horrible step parents. Abusive step parents. I have this fear that my child my resent my spouse and end up hating her for something she does wrong.
We also fight about house chores. This is mostly pushed by me. She is a stay at home to my daughter. We have an understanding of what that entails, including the house chores. The kitchen gets to the point to where it smells. The dishes get moldy, they sit in the sink "soaking for days on in". This happens frequently. I will give her the benefit that she has some issues with her health lately. She has had two laproscopic surgeries in the past 7 months. She has been in a lot of pain in this time period also. I try to as understanding as possible in her time of pain. I do as much house chores as I can muster between work and my personal stresses with work and my ex wife which never seems to end. Anyhow, I try to not gripe a bit about the house when she is in pain, I tell her to rest and will grip at her light heartedly when she is in pain and trying to over exert her self. When she is better though, I have expectations of clean dishes and house. Clean clothes, and meals being m ade. When the kitchen gets out of hand, it generally turns into a fight. I grew up in a filthy house, so I have a hard time coping with dismay in the house. I usually end up cleaning the kitchen my self not lacking resentment for it getting to that point.
I try to talk to her about our problems. We both had bad abusive marriages prior to us meeting each other. Abuse was both mental and physical. She has had a pretty rough life, which I am sure has left her possibly having her own walls up about letting me in. Her mental and physical abuse has gone all the way back to her early childhood. With the mental abuse she has suffered, I feel as if it has left her believing that not only is any criticism negative (which she gets defensive), but also that she cannot talk about how she feels. She is very reluctant to do so. I am very eager to talk about our problems, I desperately want us to be a team, understand each other, and instead of us having our own problems, we help each other conquer problems as a team. Somehow, me wanting to talk about our problems always ends up in a fight where we blame each other for things. She harps a lot on me not caring about how she feels, but I find it hard to do so when she is scared to voice her opi nions and her feelings.
There is plenty more I can rant about, I am at my whits end at the moment. Between work, parenting issues, and each of us having unresolved wants and issues I feel like an overflowing bucket. I have to find a way to get things under control. Work really is the most stressful thing for me and I feel like it leaves me paralyzed and unable to work on my home issues. My daughter has her behavioral issues that probably stem from the lacking relationship with her mom, then a new woman in her life taking care of her. Any advice is greatly appreciated, I am just trying to keep my sanity and family together.
I am in a new relationship with a woman I want to marry. We have been together for nine months now and are planning on marrying each other soon, we even wear rings already and frequently refer to each other as husband and wife to other people.
I have a 5 year old daughter from a previous marriage, that on its own has led to a lot of stress between me and my spouse as we parent differently and ,my daughter has had a hard time coping with all the changes she has experienced in the past two years me and my ex wife have been separated. (we are legally divorced). My spouse is the primary caretaker of my daughter, she stays home with her everyday as my daughter in not in school yet. She starts kindergarten next month. My spouse does everything for my daughter as I am not home very much during my work week. I work 6 days on 3 off and get home at 11pm. So at this point my daughter is already asleep. The three days I am off, I can feel like a tug o war rope between the two girls in my house. I appreciate they want me, but when I couple the tug o war rope effect with my jobs very stressful environment, it leaves me feeling as if I am always serving everybody else. I work as a Correctional officer who works works only segrega ted inmates.
Continuing the previously mentioned feeling of only serving others, I work with inmates at work who cannot do anything for themselves. They are locked up nearly 24/7 in a cell. Which leaves me bringing them anything and everything they need. Lets not leave out the fact I am frequently cussed out, retaliated against and called derogatory names such as gay and homosexual and many other bad things. On top of this, my so workers are a whole nother story.
After reflecting on my job, of which most people could never imagine the stresses that involves, I am essentially a servant at work except I am rarely appreciated and work in 100+ degree cell blocks with no air circulation. I am left feeling like something has to give.
Me and my spouse fight about the same things over and over, let me remind you we have been together 9 months. She is a wonderful woman that I do not want to part with. We fight about how to parent my daughter. I feel as if this subject is sensitive and that there should be criticism of the positive type being put in by the both of us. I should be able to tell her what I FEEL she is doing wrong and what she could do better all while being able to take these same things from her. This whole step parenting thing seems so be hard to balance. On top of this we both had bad childhoods that were partly due to horrible step parents. Abusive step parents. I have this fear that my child my resent my spouse and end up hating her for something she does wrong.
We also fight about house chores. This is mostly pushed by me. She is a stay at home to my daughter. We have an understanding of what that entails, including the house chores. The kitchen gets to the point to where it smells. The dishes get moldy, they sit in the sink "soaking for days on in". This happens frequently. I will give her the benefit that she has some issues with her health lately. She has had two laproscopic surgeries in the past 7 months. She has been in a lot of pain in this time period also. I try to as understanding as possible in her time of pain. I do as much house chores as I can muster between work and my personal stresses with work and my ex wife which never seems to end. Anyhow, I try to not gripe a bit about the house when she is in pain, I tell her to rest and will grip at her light heartedly when she is in pain and trying to over exert her self. When she is better though, I have expectations of clean dishes and house. Clean clothes, and meals being m ade. When the kitchen gets out of hand, it generally turns into a fight. I grew up in a filthy house, so I have a hard time coping with dismay in the house. I usually end up cleaning the kitchen my self not lacking resentment for it getting to that point.
I try to talk to her about our problems. We both had bad abusive marriages prior to us meeting each other. Abuse was both mental and physical. She has had a pretty rough life, which I am sure has left her possibly having her own walls up about letting me in. Her mental and physical abuse has gone all the way back to her early childhood. With the mental abuse she has suffered, I feel as if it has left her believing that not only is any criticism negative (which she gets defensive), but also that she cannot talk about how she feels. She is very reluctant to do so. I am very eager to talk about our problems, I desperately want us to be a team, understand each other, and instead of us having our own problems, we help each other conquer problems as a team. Somehow, me wanting to talk about our problems always ends up in a fight where we blame each other for things. She harps a lot on me not caring about how she feels, but I find it hard to do so when she is scared to voice her opi nions and her feelings.
There is plenty more I can rant about, I am at my whits end at the moment. Between work, parenting issues, and each of us having unresolved wants and issues I feel like an overflowing bucket. I have to find a way to get things under control. Work really is the most stressful thing for me and I feel like it leaves me paralyzed and unable to work on my home issues. My daughter has her behavioral issues that probably stem from the lacking relationship with her mom, then a new woman in her life taking care of her. Any advice is greatly appreciated, I am just trying to keep my sanity and family together.
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