... ex is being a nightmare!!! :frown2:
For the last year we have been living together but separated. It was terrible in terms of having to be around each other but it was great in terms of kid stuff. I was a stay at home mom before the break up (still am actually, but really needing to start work) so I had them 90+% of the time and then around bedtime I'd go out several nights a week because he'd just be there in the house to make sure they were taken care of. But then I moved out July 1 and now I see that this is going to be awful!!!
In the couple of months leading up to my move, I had been feeling like I really wanted to get on with this bc I was wanting to see what the new normal was. And also because I felt like me moving out was going to be a big hump to get over. I wanted for both me and the kids to get on with learning to be in our new post break up life. But then like a week before I moved out, he springs it on me that he and OW are going to Paris for the last two weeks of July. (I hate this man, in the 11 1/2 years since my older was born we had exactly ONE date night, but they are kid free, so why not go to Paris?!!!) Soooo, I say to him I think we all need to get to our new normal and this is a really bad time and I think it would be easier for me, but especially for the kids if we could get in some sort of rhythm first, would be better if he went in november or something... He says I'm just trying to throw up road blocks and he doesn't see it that way.
And then I say... I think for him and I the really bad stuff happened way back when I found out about OW and was heartbroken and all that. But for the kids this move is gonna be the really shocking break part. And I think its a really bad time for one of their parents to just run off for an extended period of time (he never travels, or didn't with ME anyhow, they're not used to him being away at all). This is a juncture where they need to feel like both of their parents is there for them. They're going to be feeling weird about it all and they need to feel secure and like they are being held up and valued by both of us. And he says, no, I'm basically just raining on his parade and he should get to do this bc he's had to put up with living with me for the last year.
So, he's in Paris now. And I'm starting to talk to a couple of the people I've been dating about various plans for after he gets back and realize I don't really know what our schedule is. In mediation, we agreed to start with a 5-2-2-5 arrangement and then tweak it as needed. We didn't want to have anything written bc we wanted to try it out and see if it worked for us and feel free to make changes. So, I send him a proposal by text. I say, I'd like for him to always have them mon/tues and for me to have them wed/thurs and for us to trade off the weekends and then I proposed that he get the first weekend, yada, yada. And he sends me a text back saying that he doesn't think we should do it that way because he'd like to always have at least one weekend night with them and one weekend night off. :surprise: WTF???? And on top of that, he wants to be able to cover his work nights by having them with me those nights and he's not sure which nights he's teaching this semeste r yet. It will either be mon/wed or tues/thurs. There is no way to work a 5-2-2-5 schedule around that. And my understanding was that the nice thing about 5-2-2-5 was that you could have the same weekdays every week and get every other weekend and the kids would have more stability than if they were switching more. So basically he saying now he just doesn't want to do the 5-2-2-5.
20 days into this new life I realize that he is going to be freaking impossible. And I am really dreading the rest of my freaking parenting life. When I saw his text today I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to always be caving to his whims whether or not its good or bad for me. I want to do the f'ing 5-2-2-5 thing mostly because it seems like we could get into a rhythm with it. I just want to feel normal and like everything's not up in the air all the time. But then I think, maybe I should try to work with him on it, because I think if I give him what he wants when I can maybe he'll do the same for me. But now I'm so scared it will just always be that he wants, wants, wants.
About the Paris thing he kept saying "someday you'll wanna go away for two weeks and you'll be able to." But the thing is that I WON"T!!! I don't wanna go away for two weeks. I have a freaking six year old and I don't wanna be away from him for that long. I don't wanna be away from my older one, either, but I do think he's very close to the age where it'd be fine for him (he'll be 12 in sept). But I just don't. Even if it was freaking Paris. I would love to go to Paris, for maybe like a week. But really, two weeks away from my kids does not sound okay to me. And certainly not two weeks away from them at a time when they are likely to be worrying about how this whole change is going to affect their relationships with their parents.
Am I being crazy to think he's being selfish? Is it just my twisted betrayed spouse thinking? That's his explanation and I don't think it's true, but I also feel like I cannot believe that the man I was married to would be doing this if it's as bad as it looks to me. :(
For the last year we have been living together but separated. It was terrible in terms of having to be around each other but it was great in terms of kid stuff. I was a stay at home mom before the break up (still am actually, but really needing to start work) so I had them 90+% of the time and then around bedtime I'd go out several nights a week because he'd just be there in the house to make sure they were taken care of. But then I moved out July 1 and now I see that this is going to be awful!!!
In the couple of months leading up to my move, I had been feeling like I really wanted to get on with this bc I was wanting to see what the new normal was. And also because I felt like me moving out was going to be a big hump to get over. I wanted for both me and the kids to get on with learning to be in our new post break up life. But then like a week before I moved out, he springs it on me that he and OW are going to Paris for the last two weeks of July. (I hate this man, in the 11 1/2 years since my older was born we had exactly ONE date night, but they are kid free, so why not go to Paris?!!!) Soooo, I say to him I think we all need to get to our new normal and this is a really bad time and I think it would be easier for me, but especially for the kids if we could get in some sort of rhythm first, would be better if he went in november or something... He says I'm just trying to throw up road blocks and he doesn't see it that way.
And then I say... I think for him and I the really bad stuff happened way back when I found out about OW and was heartbroken and all that. But for the kids this move is gonna be the really shocking break part. And I think its a really bad time for one of their parents to just run off for an extended period of time (he never travels, or didn't with ME anyhow, they're not used to him being away at all). This is a juncture where they need to feel like both of their parents is there for them. They're going to be feeling weird about it all and they need to feel secure and like they are being held up and valued by both of us. And he says, no, I'm basically just raining on his parade and he should get to do this bc he's had to put up with living with me for the last year.
So, he's in Paris now. And I'm starting to talk to a couple of the people I've been dating about various plans for after he gets back and realize I don't really know what our schedule is. In mediation, we agreed to start with a 5-2-2-5 arrangement and then tweak it as needed. We didn't want to have anything written bc we wanted to try it out and see if it worked for us and feel free to make changes. So, I send him a proposal by text. I say, I'd like for him to always have them mon/tues and for me to have them wed/thurs and for us to trade off the weekends and then I proposed that he get the first weekend, yada, yada. And he sends me a text back saying that he doesn't think we should do it that way because he'd like to always have at least one weekend night with them and one weekend night off. :surprise: WTF???? And on top of that, he wants to be able to cover his work nights by having them with me those nights and he's not sure which nights he's teaching this semeste r yet. It will either be mon/wed or tues/thurs. There is no way to work a 5-2-2-5 schedule around that. And my understanding was that the nice thing about 5-2-2-5 was that you could have the same weekdays every week and get every other weekend and the kids would have more stability than if they were switching more. So basically he saying now he just doesn't want to do the 5-2-2-5.
20 days into this new life I realize that he is going to be freaking impossible. And I am really dreading the rest of my freaking parenting life. When I saw his text today I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I'm not sure what to do. I don't want to always be caving to his whims whether or not its good or bad for me. I want to do the f'ing 5-2-2-5 thing mostly because it seems like we could get into a rhythm with it. I just want to feel normal and like everything's not up in the air all the time. But then I think, maybe I should try to work with him on it, because I think if I give him what he wants when I can maybe he'll do the same for me. But now I'm so scared it will just always be that he wants, wants, wants.
About the Paris thing he kept saying "someday you'll wanna go away for two weeks and you'll be able to." But the thing is that I WON"T!!! I don't wanna go away for two weeks. I have a freaking six year old and I don't wanna be away from him for that long. I don't wanna be away from my older one, either, but I do think he's very close to the age where it'd be fine for him (he'll be 12 in sept). But I just don't. Even if it was freaking Paris. I would love to go to Paris, for maybe like a week. But really, two weeks away from my kids does not sound okay to me. And certainly not two weeks away from them at a time when they are likely to be worrying about how this whole change is going to affect their relationships with their parents.
Am I being crazy to think he's being selfish? Is it just my twisted betrayed spouse thinking? That's his explanation and I don't think it's true, but I also feel like I cannot believe that the man I was married to would be doing this if it's as bad as it looks to me. :(
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