Hi,
My wife and I are in our mid-40's. Married for 15 years. We have three young children and up until a few years ago we were pretty happy. The thing is during this two year period I had a job where I was constantly battling office politics to stay employed. HR were looking for scape-goats to offload staff and I needed to keep my job due to the lack of work in the area. You wouldn't believe some of the malicious evil stunts they tried to pull. I use the word evil here in its truest sense.
With hindsight - trying to stay in this job was a really bad idea. I ended up getting paranoid and mistrusting of pretty much everyone. I felt I was getting no support. I spoke to my wife during the period about what was happening at work. She tried to console me and jokingly saying just get on with it and really all I wanted her to say was, "if you're not happy give it up, we'll survive", but she didn't. The straw that broke the Camels back was when a member of staff swore right in my face. I left the office and handed my notice in that day. When I got home my wife was in the garden. I came up and told her and she was shocked. I told her I couldn't take it anymore - I had stuck it out for an additional 6 months, more than they had hoped. I cried in her arms, but didn't feel that tight hug. It was almost like "what the hell!".
Time went by and I was at home and dropping off the kids at school which I love. I started noticing the wife going to bed early with the laptop most nights. Honestly never thought about it too much before. She never used to do this about 6 months prior I thought. She used to hate computers. I also noticed on her cheap phone that she was texting a lot. I noticed on our phone bill that one of her female friends (recently divorced) at work was getting over 100 texts a month. This is her best friend whom she has known for 8 years.
Then when we went for a break away for a day I noticed a text from this friend saying, "where are you? I am trying to get a hold of you.". This for me is when my mind went into overdrive and the trust was dwindling. That was over a year ago now. I asked my wife what this was about and she said she had no idea. I told her her friend seems very intense. Anyway, for weeks I couldn't get this out of my head. My mind went into overdrive. A few months later this friend came around to our house to drop-off something or speak to my wife. When she came in the drive and noticed my wifes car wasn't there (I assume) she left and scratched the whole side of my car in the process. I am looking out the window at this point. She couldn't see me with the blinds. I couldn't believe she sped off without leaving any note. You could hear the noise clearly. No message on phone or paper was left for me or my wife. When I told my wife she stated that I shouldn't ask her for money or claim on her ins urance so I didn't, but wandered why she tried to get away in such a panic. I didn't continue to dwell on this for now.
Our sex life is quite dull. I love making love to my wife, but it is a one way street. We make love about once a week to a fornight. I just get the feeling she is doing it as she feels pressured. I make jokes by saying, "come on honey, let's get it on" and laugh to relax her, but she says, "come on then lets get it over with". It comes across from her actions and her manner that she really means it. This really hurts. Not once since we have had the children 10 years ago has she initiated sex.
With the continued computer use, the lack of intimacy during sex, and the constant texts and the strange actions of this friend my mind was building a picture. Rightly or Wrongly. I actually entertained the idea that my wife may be a lesbian. I haven't for the life of me any explanation. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself the anxiety was eating me up inside. I actually approached her and told her that her relationship with her friend seemed a bit intense and it was making me think she was a lesbian. I told her that she seems to always had her phone constantly under her pillow and everywhere she goes and that she always deletes all messages on her phone daily. She told me she liked to clear down her texts. She cried and said," I can't believe you think that of me". I felt awful. How could I think such a thing of a woman I have been with and supported by for 15 years?
I asked her why she couldn't just leave the phone out of the bedroom. I said I feel like there is a third person in this relationship. Her friend sent her texts late at night, but on the face of it they seemed trivial. She agreed to keep the phone out of the room. This went on for about a week. She started looking at my phone all the time. I thought why is she no longer trusting me or is it she's checking what I may be telling others.
The anxiety went away for a bit, but then I just kept going back into this anxious state. I followed her from work on her bike one day as her friends house is on the way home. I never saw from where she had come from. Only saw her after friends house.
Months later I had to leave home to work away for 4 months. I had a two week break over Christmas, and went home on average every two weeks. I was seriously missing the wife and kids.
When I came home I felt like a stranger for a bit. I still think even though it was a necessity to go for the work - which I really enjoyed. I think it didn't help my mindset. Anyway the kids were great and my wife and I got back on track.
To add insult to injury my sister has recently divorced after 20 years, so I guess this doesn't help any insecurities I have. My wife stated that if we ever broke up then it wouldn't be the legal wranglings that my sister is currently going through. It would just be quick and move on. I was taken aback by this and said, 'Thanks, I don't really want to hear talk like that". She stated that she didn't mean it, but that I knew what she meant.
My wife and I went to a party for a 40th. I didn't really want to go, but I thought I need to make the effort. My wifes work male friends were there. She wanted me to take a picture of her and this guy cheek to cheek. I'll be honest. I felt uncomfortable. Then three guys came up to speak to her. They were quite obnoxious and hanging around joking with her. I felt a bit pushed out so I walked away. My wife came over to me and asked me if I was alright, I replied "Yes, but I felt pushed out.". My wife is very touchy touchy with work colleagues, but I don't feel I get any hugs or kisses anymore (sounds a bit wet and childish I know - but you know what I mean). My wife isn't very demonstrative, but she is from a different type that believes in doing good for people is the way to show caring. She is a nurse.
I have been away this time for nearly a month with no time off to see the wife and kids.
Every time I get to my flat (the same flat I was pining in for 4 months) from work the anxiety kicks in and I just have these thoughts of my wife off with this friend. I am not even sure if it's just her I'm worried about. I seem to have become so insecure and mistrusting of her that I phone up regularly to see how and where she is. It's crazy. I just can't help myself. Or maybe it's just loneliness.
I am now at my wits end. My sixth sense has always been quite accurate in the past, but I think due to the high anxiety/depression I am feeling at the moment I have got it all way wrong. Every time I get home from work the anxiety kicks in and I just have these thoughts of my wife off with this friend....or someone else. I need to stop this as it is screwing with my sanity. The family will be joining me again in a few days, but I don't want to feel this way anymore.
Today I tried to phone my wife on her mobile, but it was engaged. When she phoned me back she said, "what's the matter? - I see 3 missed calls". I told her that the children had been given a sum of money from an auntie. I asked who she was on the phone to. She told me it was the friend and that she had called five times also. I told her, "yeah, but she's your friend, I'm your husband" (I know, I don't understand why I said this either). She said the friend had asked her around for tea before she came over to meet me. She told me she had told her no. She said that she is being pulled from pillar to post by everyone.
I know this sounds crazy, but I think I am going to ruin our marriage unless I stop this. What should I do? Anybody had anything close? This is ripping my heart to pieces thinking that I wouldn't see my kids as much if she left me. I love my wife dearly, but I'm scared she doesn't feel the same way anymore. Is this depression? How long will it take to get rid of this?
My wife and I are in our mid-40's. Married for 15 years. We have three young children and up until a few years ago we were pretty happy. The thing is during this two year period I had a job where I was constantly battling office politics to stay employed. HR were looking for scape-goats to offload staff and I needed to keep my job due to the lack of work in the area. You wouldn't believe some of the malicious evil stunts they tried to pull. I use the word evil here in its truest sense.
With hindsight - trying to stay in this job was a really bad idea. I ended up getting paranoid and mistrusting of pretty much everyone. I felt I was getting no support. I spoke to my wife during the period about what was happening at work. She tried to console me and jokingly saying just get on with it and really all I wanted her to say was, "if you're not happy give it up, we'll survive", but she didn't. The straw that broke the Camels back was when a member of staff swore right in my face. I left the office and handed my notice in that day. When I got home my wife was in the garden. I came up and told her and she was shocked. I told her I couldn't take it anymore - I had stuck it out for an additional 6 months, more than they had hoped. I cried in her arms, but didn't feel that tight hug. It was almost like "what the hell!".
Time went by and I was at home and dropping off the kids at school which I love. I started noticing the wife going to bed early with the laptop most nights. Honestly never thought about it too much before. She never used to do this about 6 months prior I thought. She used to hate computers. I also noticed on her cheap phone that she was texting a lot. I noticed on our phone bill that one of her female friends (recently divorced) at work was getting over 100 texts a month. This is her best friend whom she has known for 8 years.
Then when we went for a break away for a day I noticed a text from this friend saying, "where are you? I am trying to get a hold of you.". This for me is when my mind went into overdrive and the trust was dwindling. That was over a year ago now. I asked my wife what this was about and she said she had no idea. I told her her friend seems very intense. Anyway, for weeks I couldn't get this out of my head. My mind went into overdrive. A few months later this friend came around to our house to drop-off something or speak to my wife. When she came in the drive and noticed my wifes car wasn't there (I assume) she left and scratched the whole side of my car in the process. I am looking out the window at this point. She couldn't see me with the blinds. I couldn't believe she sped off without leaving any note. You could hear the noise clearly. No message on phone or paper was left for me or my wife. When I told my wife she stated that I shouldn't ask her for money or claim on her ins urance so I didn't, but wandered why she tried to get away in such a panic. I didn't continue to dwell on this for now.
Our sex life is quite dull. I love making love to my wife, but it is a one way street. We make love about once a week to a fornight. I just get the feeling she is doing it as she feels pressured. I make jokes by saying, "come on honey, let's get it on" and laugh to relax her, but she says, "come on then lets get it over with". It comes across from her actions and her manner that she really means it. This really hurts. Not once since we have had the children 10 years ago has she initiated sex.
With the continued computer use, the lack of intimacy during sex, and the constant texts and the strange actions of this friend my mind was building a picture. Rightly or Wrongly. I actually entertained the idea that my wife may be a lesbian. I haven't for the life of me any explanation. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn't help myself the anxiety was eating me up inside. I actually approached her and told her that her relationship with her friend seemed a bit intense and it was making me think she was a lesbian. I told her that she seems to always had her phone constantly under her pillow and everywhere she goes and that she always deletes all messages on her phone daily. She told me she liked to clear down her texts. She cried and said," I can't believe you think that of me". I felt awful. How could I think such a thing of a woman I have been with and supported by for 15 years?
I asked her why she couldn't just leave the phone out of the bedroom. I said I feel like there is a third person in this relationship. Her friend sent her texts late at night, but on the face of it they seemed trivial. She agreed to keep the phone out of the room. This went on for about a week. She started looking at my phone all the time. I thought why is she no longer trusting me or is it she's checking what I may be telling others.
The anxiety went away for a bit, but then I just kept going back into this anxious state. I followed her from work on her bike one day as her friends house is on the way home. I never saw from where she had come from. Only saw her after friends house.
Months later I had to leave home to work away for 4 months. I had a two week break over Christmas, and went home on average every two weeks. I was seriously missing the wife and kids.
When I came home I felt like a stranger for a bit. I still think even though it was a necessity to go for the work - which I really enjoyed. I think it didn't help my mindset. Anyway the kids were great and my wife and I got back on track.
To add insult to injury my sister has recently divorced after 20 years, so I guess this doesn't help any insecurities I have. My wife stated that if we ever broke up then it wouldn't be the legal wranglings that my sister is currently going through. It would just be quick and move on. I was taken aback by this and said, 'Thanks, I don't really want to hear talk like that". She stated that she didn't mean it, but that I knew what she meant.
My wife and I went to a party for a 40th. I didn't really want to go, but I thought I need to make the effort. My wifes work male friends were there. She wanted me to take a picture of her and this guy cheek to cheek. I'll be honest. I felt uncomfortable. Then three guys came up to speak to her. They were quite obnoxious and hanging around joking with her. I felt a bit pushed out so I walked away. My wife came over to me and asked me if I was alright, I replied "Yes, but I felt pushed out.". My wife is very touchy touchy with work colleagues, but I don't feel I get any hugs or kisses anymore (sounds a bit wet and childish I know - but you know what I mean). My wife isn't very demonstrative, but she is from a different type that believes in doing good for people is the way to show caring. She is a nurse.
I have been away this time for nearly a month with no time off to see the wife and kids.
Every time I get to my flat (the same flat I was pining in for 4 months) from work the anxiety kicks in and I just have these thoughts of my wife off with this friend. I am not even sure if it's just her I'm worried about. I seem to have become so insecure and mistrusting of her that I phone up regularly to see how and where she is. It's crazy. I just can't help myself. Or maybe it's just loneliness.
I am now at my wits end. My sixth sense has always been quite accurate in the past, but I think due to the high anxiety/depression I am feeling at the moment I have got it all way wrong. Every time I get home from work the anxiety kicks in and I just have these thoughts of my wife off with this friend....or someone else. I need to stop this as it is screwing with my sanity. The family will be joining me again in a few days, but I don't want to feel this way anymore.
Today I tried to phone my wife on her mobile, but it was engaged. When she phoned me back she said, "what's the matter? - I see 3 missed calls". I told her that the children had been given a sum of money from an auntie. I asked who she was on the phone to. She told me it was the friend and that she had called five times also. I told her, "yeah, but she's your friend, I'm your husband" (I know, I don't understand why I said this either). She said the friend had asked her around for tea before she came over to meet me. She told me she had told her no. She said that she is being pulled from pillar to post by everyone.
I know this sounds crazy, but I think I am going to ruin our marriage unless I stop this. What should I do? Anybody had anything close? This is ripping my heart to pieces thinking that I wouldn't see my kids as much if she left me. I love my wife dearly, but I'm scared she doesn't feel the same way anymore. Is this depression? How long will it take to get rid of this?
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