I've fallen in love with someone that's got intimacy issues and would love some advice or wisdom on how to try and overcome this and have a chance for a future with this man.
He's early forties and he's been single for years after being cheated on three times in a row. We met in December 14 and although we were friends at first it was quite obvious he liked me as more than a friend. I wasn't interested (on paper he's nothing that I was looking for) but over time spent as friends I started to return those feelings and we ended up sharing a kiss, that (sorry to sound cheesy) shook the earth.
I'm not prone to drama or anything but after that kiss (that went on for hours) I called a friends and said I was absolutely certain I'd found the man I was going to marry. I can't explain beyond that, it just felt like he was the person I was supposed to be with.
after that, we began to acknowledge the growing feelings between us, and started transitioning from "friends" to "a relationship". At that point, he started to do things to push me away, to sabotage things and test me to see how far he could push me. This of course made me angry and confused.
After weeks of this and giving him the "benefit of the doubt", I decided he obviously didn't like me as much as I liked him and I stopped contacting him and let him know I didn't like being treated like a low priority and wanted to be just friends again. He said that was okay with him.
After a week, he phoned me one night and told me he was "passing by my house" but I know where he'd been that day (at a sports event) and what he'd actually done was to ditch his group of friends and make a 2 hour detour to "pass by".
He'd had a few drinks that night, and although he is usually a very closed and private person I think the alcohol loosened his tongue and gave him confidence to explain himself. He said he'd been too scared to contact me before, too proud and that he never did this but he didn't want to lose me. He said he knew he had tested me and pushed me and that the reason was that he was scared of where things were going and what would eventually happen.
He said he thought that I would let him down or hurt him, because people always do this eventually. It wasn't any great romantic speech (he looked like he was annoyed throughout it!), but I did feel that he was being honest that he wants a relationship with me and is aware he's self sabotaging.
At the time, I told him I understood his issues and that I was a human being too and while I could be patient, I also had basic expectations of behavior from anyone I was dating, which were:
1. Spend time with me once a week
2. Let me know in advance plans so I am not waiting around
3. Keep in touch a little bit
4. Be honest and treat me with some respect
He said all that was completely fair and he'd do it, but then within 3 days failed to follow through when he didn't call when he said he would.
I then hit my own "limit" I suppose, and sent him an angry email to say I had enough of being treated that way and that I didn't want to date him or even be friends and I cut off contact again.
We have now not spoken for three weeks. He never replied to me, which doesn't surprise me as he's very proud and will be too scared to even if he wanted to.
I realise it would be a lot easier to have fallen in love with someone without these issues, but it just happened. I do believe he's in love with me too, but he's having great difficulty with it.
I don't want to be a doormat, and so I have stuck with the "no contact" I am now even dating other people. I understand that I need to have some standards and basic expectations and I am trying to value myself. It's just that my heart is still completely set on this man and I want to find a way to work through this if he can meet me halfway.
I hoped that he will take time (even if it's six months or a year) and come back to me willing to take this first step to simply "dating" and seeing what happens. It's clear from talking to him that after our first kiss he spent 24 hours walking on air, followed by him experiencing inability to sleep and feelings of panic. This is a deep issue here.
I understand also that I might never hear from him again, but I was wondering if anyone here had worked through commitment issues, fear of intimacy and overcome them? If anyone could offer any advice I'd be grateful.
My best friend had similar issues to this at the start of her relationship and she's getting married next week. She had very deep issues sharing and growing close with her husband to be, and the man had the patience of a saint.
I also know it might not happen for me, but any advice would be welcome.
Have I done the right thing by walking away and going no contact? If he does contact me ever again...what should I do?
It might sound silly, but everything in my gut tells me that if I can get him to trust me just enough to get started that we will be right together. I'm a very strong person, with no big emotional hang ups and while I never anticipated I would ever fall in love with a "broken man" - I did.
He's early forties and he's been single for years after being cheated on three times in a row. We met in December 14 and although we were friends at first it was quite obvious he liked me as more than a friend. I wasn't interested (on paper he's nothing that I was looking for) but over time spent as friends I started to return those feelings and we ended up sharing a kiss, that (sorry to sound cheesy) shook the earth.
I'm not prone to drama or anything but after that kiss (that went on for hours) I called a friends and said I was absolutely certain I'd found the man I was going to marry. I can't explain beyond that, it just felt like he was the person I was supposed to be with.
after that, we began to acknowledge the growing feelings between us, and started transitioning from "friends" to "a relationship". At that point, he started to do things to push me away, to sabotage things and test me to see how far he could push me. This of course made me angry and confused.
After weeks of this and giving him the "benefit of the doubt", I decided he obviously didn't like me as much as I liked him and I stopped contacting him and let him know I didn't like being treated like a low priority and wanted to be just friends again. He said that was okay with him.
After a week, he phoned me one night and told me he was "passing by my house" but I know where he'd been that day (at a sports event) and what he'd actually done was to ditch his group of friends and make a 2 hour detour to "pass by".
He'd had a few drinks that night, and although he is usually a very closed and private person I think the alcohol loosened his tongue and gave him confidence to explain himself. He said he'd been too scared to contact me before, too proud and that he never did this but he didn't want to lose me. He said he knew he had tested me and pushed me and that the reason was that he was scared of where things were going and what would eventually happen.
He said he thought that I would let him down or hurt him, because people always do this eventually. It wasn't any great romantic speech (he looked like he was annoyed throughout it!), but I did feel that he was being honest that he wants a relationship with me and is aware he's self sabotaging.
At the time, I told him I understood his issues and that I was a human being too and while I could be patient, I also had basic expectations of behavior from anyone I was dating, which were:
1. Spend time with me once a week
2. Let me know in advance plans so I am not waiting around
3. Keep in touch a little bit
4. Be honest and treat me with some respect
He said all that was completely fair and he'd do it, but then within 3 days failed to follow through when he didn't call when he said he would.
I then hit my own "limit" I suppose, and sent him an angry email to say I had enough of being treated that way and that I didn't want to date him or even be friends and I cut off contact again.
We have now not spoken for three weeks. He never replied to me, which doesn't surprise me as he's very proud and will be too scared to even if he wanted to.
I realise it would be a lot easier to have fallen in love with someone without these issues, but it just happened. I do believe he's in love with me too, but he's having great difficulty with it.
I don't want to be a doormat, and so I have stuck with the "no contact" I am now even dating other people. I understand that I need to have some standards and basic expectations and I am trying to value myself. It's just that my heart is still completely set on this man and I want to find a way to work through this if he can meet me halfway.
I hoped that he will take time (even if it's six months or a year) and come back to me willing to take this first step to simply "dating" and seeing what happens. It's clear from talking to him that after our first kiss he spent 24 hours walking on air, followed by him experiencing inability to sleep and feelings of panic. This is a deep issue here.
I understand also that I might never hear from him again, but I was wondering if anyone here had worked through commitment issues, fear of intimacy and overcome them? If anyone could offer any advice I'd be grateful.
My best friend had similar issues to this at the start of her relationship and she's getting married next week. She had very deep issues sharing and growing close with her husband to be, and the man had the patience of a saint.
I also know it might not happen for me, but any advice would be welcome.
Have I done the right thing by walking away and going no contact? If he does contact me ever again...what should I do?
It might sound silly, but everything in my gut tells me that if I can get him to trust me just enough to get started that we will be right together. I'm a very strong person, with no big emotional hang ups and while I never anticipated I would ever fall in love with a "broken man" - I did.
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