I am not going to pretend that I am a perfect person. I have a great many faults, and have done and said things at times that I am not proud of, and hold deep remorse.
I have sometimes said things to hurt people, sometimes I have behaved in a manner that was less than completely supportive.
I have told white lies, and I do have a nasty habit of procrastinating, especially when I have to deal with something that is sad, scary, or simply troubling.
I am not beautiful, I have struggled on and off with my weight most of my life. I am not of extreme intelligence, but I am not completely stupid either. I have been a hard worker most of my life, until I became ill, but I will go into more of that later.
So, I am not now, nor will I ever be a perfect person. I am however, a person that has come to realize the most damaging character traits I have, are the one I thought were most admirable. I am a very loyal person. I take vows I make seriously. I love completely, and unconditionally. I forgive easily, and for all those reasons, I now realize that I willingly gave away fourteen years of my life to a person that never loved me, rather, perhaps was grateful to have someone blindly and willingly love, protect, and defend them without a moments hesitation, and when that usefulness was no longer a necessity, I was to be discarded.
I suppose, I really only have myself to blame. I was warned, warned many times by many people. I was told early on, I was being used. I was told early on, I was being lied to. Now, some of this proved true, I did discover 'little lies' that were explained away as 'being embarassed by the truth', and 'I didn't want you to think less of me' So, I trusted what he said to be true, I believed in him completely. In fact, more than once near strangers would tell us, that they would see my eyes light up whenever, he spoke, or entered the room.
I did adore him, that is why I stood proudly at his side, believing in him, when he was accused of domestic violence, by an ex wife. I stood proudly by his side when we fought for over a year, attending court weekly so he could have joint custody of his youngest child. I stood proudly by his side, when, finally, CPS stepped in, and removed the child from the mother, and placed him with us, while the court heard evidence of neglect. I stood in the courtroom, and held his hand when the judge returned him to his mother...I stood alone when he ran off got into our van, and left the courthouse, and me too. I got a ride from our attorney, and explained that he was just so disappointed and scared for his son, he was not thinking clearly.
I defended him, believed in him, when he was fired from four different jobs, when he was accused, and stood trial in two criminal cases. I comforted him, and defended him, when he took a plea in one case it resulted in community service, in the other, thirty days in jail. I never once faltered in my support, my love, my faith in him, my pride in him. I held my head high, always telling him how proud I was to be his wife, what a wonderful father he is, what a loving, caring person he is...how one day, when we grew old, we would look back at all this, and it would only make us stronger.
It was that year, the year he had to serve his jail time, that I first discovered he had an affair, truth be told, I had been informed of others, but never had any real proof, this time, I found the emails, and caught him in a lie..We talked about it, I accepted that I have made some mistakes, perhaps not always being as supportive of all his needs, and we moved forward. Once I forgave him, I never again brought it up. I again trusted him, he gave me his word, and that was good enough for me.
I am not typically a complainer. I never needed a lot of money, or fancy things. I am not a die hard shopper, I don't need expensive vacations. I love my house, my home...even if for the first seven years, I didn't have a real kitchen, and a laundry sink for washing dishes. The most thrilling week of my life was when my husband was able to find the time and we had a little extra money to put in a counter top, some cabinets and a real kitchen sink.
I will admit I did nag about one thing, I did nag my husband to get his contractor's licence, so he could hire a small crew, and not have to work so hard. He already went to jail once for contracting without a license, and I wanted him to not worry about the jobs he took, or feel bad about the real big jobs he had to turn down. I knew he had the intelligence to pass the test, I know he has talent, and people basically like and trust him. I had no doubt he would feel better and more secure if he would just take the test. He never would. I would not bring it up every day, but I would a few times a year, for several years.
At this time, I want to go back, and clarify a few things. I worked the first five years of our marriage. In 2005 I quit working, with my husband's blessing. We had minor children, and with the on again off again custody issues with his youngest son, me being home seemed to be a good solution. Early to mid 2005 into 2006, my husband's parents began to decline health wise. My father in law was diagnosed with cancer, and my mother in law began the early stages of dementia. Our daughter, basically moved in with them, and I having took them to doctor's appointments, and helped with their daily needs. It was heartbreaking when they passed 19 days apart. It left us with the care of his aunt, that once again, I drove to doctor's appointments, did shopping and other errands. I only mention this, because it was not as though I was doing nothing to assist my husband in those years, I loved his parents dearly, it was not a burden.
In 2012, I will admit, my world shattered. My beautiful girl, after being away for 18 months came home to celebrate her Dad's installation as Worshipful Master in his lodge. She flew in on the 13th of December, on the 14th she was not feeling well, and my husband took her to the local ER, she came home roughly midnight, and on the morning of the 15th, I found her dead on the bathroom floor. Yes, part of me died that day, and a hidden illness I had, steadily became acute, until the following August, 2013, I was on the verge of a heart attack, and ended up in the hospital. I spend 2 days in the ICU, 2 days on the main floor. I left the hospital being diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension, and COPD.
Things seemed to be going fairly well, then, by November, I began suffering from severe pain in my chest and between my shoulder blades. It was not constant at first, and we made it through the first holiday without our daughter.
In January, 2014, the pains starting happening more often, by the mid February, I was in pain more often than not. I lost most if not all my appetite, because when I did eat anything, the pain would be almost unbearable. I began running low fevers, and would sometimes get so cold, my teeth would chatter.
I kept most of this from my husband. I didn't want him to worry. On the 13th of March, my husband came home to find me hardly breathing, laying on the couch. He rushed me to the hospital.
I really don't remember much, but what happened was, I was sedated, intubated, and airlifted to a larger hospital, where I remained in a medically induced coma, until I woke up four days later.
It turns out, a gallstone broke loose and blocked my pancreas, causing an infection. I underwent surgery, a shunt was placed to prevent this again, until the infection could be controlled enough to have the gall bladder removed.
I also had an MRI which showed that I had three fibrocystic cysts, in my uterus, the largest the size of a baseball, and cysts on my ovaries. It was also recommended that I have a complete hysterectomy, due to this problem.
I spend a little more than two weeks in the hospital, and was released with the understanding that I would need to have the surgeries in the next 6 to 8 weeks.
My husband told me, he would have died right after me, had I not pulled through. He told every doctor and nurse the same. He posted on facebook, that I was his best friend, the love of his life, and asked people to pray for me.
Three in a half months later, the middle of July, he began hiding his cell phone from me. He started staying out of town more, and by the end of August, he left. For eight weeks he told me he loved me, he just needed time.
In October, on the 22nd, the day before my daughter's birthday, he said he would call me and we would talk. What ended up happening, is that he showed up with his best friend, and said, "I am not coming back" he also, once again, said, "I love you'
I was told by his best friend that indeed my husband was having an affair, and that when I got sick, that was a 'deal breaker'.
After nearly six months of no reasons, or answers, my husband told me that he was tired of struggling with money, and by July he was 'done' and basically, I am of no use to him.
He said that he has not loved me for a long time...so I wonder, all those tears and words when I was in the hospital..was it real?
After fourteen years of support, of loyalty, forgiveness and unconditional love, I got sick, and that was a deal breaker.
I find it ironic, that my husband has told people he just 'wished' I was a 'Christian', because my spiritual path is Wicca. We took our marriage vows, in his church, on Christmas Eve, because his parents wanted the four of us to share a wedding anniversary.
So, we promised to love, honor, cherish, in sickness and health, richer and poorer, until death should separate us..and it is the Wiccan that has kept each and every vow.
I wish, I could just stop loving as easily as he did, that is of course assuming he really ever truly loved me at all, because all I have is his word, and the broken promises he made.
Now, I don't know what to do. I am trying to find a job, but I am oxygen dependent, and I cannot do the work that I used to. Since I was a homemaker so long, disability is a problem.
I am 47 years old, in need of surgery, and finding a way to support myself. I have never felt so betrayed and so alone.
I have sometimes said things to hurt people, sometimes I have behaved in a manner that was less than completely supportive.
I have told white lies, and I do have a nasty habit of procrastinating, especially when I have to deal with something that is sad, scary, or simply troubling.
I am not beautiful, I have struggled on and off with my weight most of my life. I am not of extreme intelligence, but I am not completely stupid either. I have been a hard worker most of my life, until I became ill, but I will go into more of that later.
So, I am not now, nor will I ever be a perfect person. I am however, a person that has come to realize the most damaging character traits I have, are the one I thought were most admirable. I am a very loyal person. I take vows I make seriously. I love completely, and unconditionally. I forgive easily, and for all those reasons, I now realize that I willingly gave away fourteen years of my life to a person that never loved me, rather, perhaps was grateful to have someone blindly and willingly love, protect, and defend them without a moments hesitation, and when that usefulness was no longer a necessity, I was to be discarded.
I suppose, I really only have myself to blame. I was warned, warned many times by many people. I was told early on, I was being used. I was told early on, I was being lied to. Now, some of this proved true, I did discover 'little lies' that were explained away as 'being embarassed by the truth', and 'I didn't want you to think less of me' So, I trusted what he said to be true, I believed in him completely. In fact, more than once near strangers would tell us, that they would see my eyes light up whenever, he spoke, or entered the room.
I did adore him, that is why I stood proudly at his side, believing in him, when he was accused of domestic violence, by an ex wife. I stood proudly by his side when we fought for over a year, attending court weekly so he could have joint custody of his youngest child. I stood proudly by his side, when, finally, CPS stepped in, and removed the child from the mother, and placed him with us, while the court heard evidence of neglect. I stood in the courtroom, and held his hand when the judge returned him to his mother...I stood alone when he ran off got into our van, and left the courthouse, and me too. I got a ride from our attorney, and explained that he was just so disappointed and scared for his son, he was not thinking clearly.
I defended him, believed in him, when he was fired from four different jobs, when he was accused, and stood trial in two criminal cases. I comforted him, and defended him, when he took a plea in one case it resulted in community service, in the other, thirty days in jail. I never once faltered in my support, my love, my faith in him, my pride in him. I held my head high, always telling him how proud I was to be his wife, what a wonderful father he is, what a loving, caring person he is...how one day, when we grew old, we would look back at all this, and it would only make us stronger.
It was that year, the year he had to serve his jail time, that I first discovered he had an affair, truth be told, I had been informed of others, but never had any real proof, this time, I found the emails, and caught him in a lie..We talked about it, I accepted that I have made some mistakes, perhaps not always being as supportive of all his needs, and we moved forward. Once I forgave him, I never again brought it up. I again trusted him, he gave me his word, and that was good enough for me.
I am not typically a complainer. I never needed a lot of money, or fancy things. I am not a die hard shopper, I don't need expensive vacations. I love my house, my home...even if for the first seven years, I didn't have a real kitchen, and a laundry sink for washing dishes. The most thrilling week of my life was when my husband was able to find the time and we had a little extra money to put in a counter top, some cabinets and a real kitchen sink.
I will admit I did nag about one thing, I did nag my husband to get his contractor's licence, so he could hire a small crew, and not have to work so hard. He already went to jail once for contracting without a license, and I wanted him to not worry about the jobs he took, or feel bad about the real big jobs he had to turn down. I knew he had the intelligence to pass the test, I know he has talent, and people basically like and trust him. I had no doubt he would feel better and more secure if he would just take the test. He never would. I would not bring it up every day, but I would a few times a year, for several years.
At this time, I want to go back, and clarify a few things. I worked the first five years of our marriage. In 2005 I quit working, with my husband's blessing. We had minor children, and with the on again off again custody issues with his youngest son, me being home seemed to be a good solution. Early to mid 2005 into 2006, my husband's parents began to decline health wise. My father in law was diagnosed with cancer, and my mother in law began the early stages of dementia. Our daughter, basically moved in with them, and I having took them to doctor's appointments, and helped with their daily needs. It was heartbreaking when they passed 19 days apart. It left us with the care of his aunt, that once again, I drove to doctor's appointments, did shopping and other errands. I only mention this, because it was not as though I was doing nothing to assist my husband in those years, I loved his parents dearly, it was not a burden.
In 2012, I will admit, my world shattered. My beautiful girl, after being away for 18 months came home to celebrate her Dad's installation as Worshipful Master in his lodge. She flew in on the 13th of December, on the 14th she was not feeling well, and my husband took her to the local ER, she came home roughly midnight, and on the morning of the 15th, I found her dead on the bathroom floor. Yes, part of me died that day, and a hidden illness I had, steadily became acute, until the following August, 2013, I was on the verge of a heart attack, and ended up in the hospital. I spend 2 days in the ICU, 2 days on the main floor. I left the hospital being diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension, and COPD.
Things seemed to be going fairly well, then, by November, I began suffering from severe pain in my chest and between my shoulder blades. It was not constant at first, and we made it through the first holiday without our daughter.
In January, 2014, the pains starting happening more often, by the mid February, I was in pain more often than not. I lost most if not all my appetite, because when I did eat anything, the pain would be almost unbearable. I began running low fevers, and would sometimes get so cold, my teeth would chatter.
I kept most of this from my husband. I didn't want him to worry. On the 13th of March, my husband came home to find me hardly breathing, laying on the couch. He rushed me to the hospital.
I really don't remember much, but what happened was, I was sedated, intubated, and airlifted to a larger hospital, where I remained in a medically induced coma, until I woke up four days later.
It turns out, a gallstone broke loose and blocked my pancreas, causing an infection. I underwent surgery, a shunt was placed to prevent this again, until the infection could be controlled enough to have the gall bladder removed.
I also had an MRI which showed that I had three fibrocystic cysts, in my uterus, the largest the size of a baseball, and cysts on my ovaries. It was also recommended that I have a complete hysterectomy, due to this problem.
I spend a little more than two weeks in the hospital, and was released with the understanding that I would need to have the surgeries in the next 6 to 8 weeks.
My husband told me, he would have died right after me, had I not pulled through. He told every doctor and nurse the same. He posted on facebook, that I was his best friend, the love of his life, and asked people to pray for me.
Three in a half months later, the middle of July, he began hiding his cell phone from me. He started staying out of town more, and by the end of August, he left. For eight weeks he told me he loved me, he just needed time.
In October, on the 22nd, the day before my daughter's birthday, he said he would call me and we would talk. What ended up happening, is that he showed up with his best friend, and said, "I am not coming back" he also, once again, said, "I love you'
I was told by his best friend that indeed my husband was having an affair, and that when I got sick, that was a 'deal breaker'.
After nearly six months of no reasons, or answers, my husband told me that he was tired of struggling with money, and by July he was 'done' and basically, I am of no use to him.
He said that he has not loved me for a long time...so I wonder, all those tears and words when I was in the hospital..was it real?
After fourteen years of support, of loyalty, forgiveness and unconditional love, I got sick, and that was a deal breaker.
I find it ironic, that my husband has told people he just 'wished' I was a 'Christian', because my spiritual path is Wicca. We took our marriage vows, in his church, on Christmas Eve, because his parents wanted the four of us to share a wedding anniversary.
So, we promised to love, honor, cherish, in sickness and health, richer and poorer, until death should separate us..and it is the Wiccan that has kept each and every vow.
I wish, I could just stop loving as easily as he did, that is of course assuming he really ever truly loved me at all, because all I have is his word, and the broken promises he made.
Now, I don't know what to do. I am trying to find a job, but I am oxygen dependent, and I cannot do the work that I used to. Since I was a homemaker so long, disability is a problem.
I am 47 years old, in need of surgery, and finding a way to support myself. I have never felt so betrayed and so alone.
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