From the outside
A young, intelligent, motivated, sociable, confident, relatively good looking young man who's well placed to succeed in life. A young man who has a lot going for him. He's in the final year of his degree and can really push on from here. He has the competency to do anything from here. A very likeable young man, has a lot of friends via work, university, volunteering etc. He's good at sports, goes to gym often enough to have a relatively good build, and possesses fine coordination to excel in all the sports that he loves, like he once did.
From a distance, he seems like such an exciting prospect. He's been described as someone who is "full of life", who is a "talent that needs to be managed", who has more to offer than just medicine as a career. He seems like he's a likeable person, someone who has a lot of friends. He smiles, he nods his head, he says hello to all of his colleagues, all of his university mates, everyone. He walks with confidence, talks with authority and certainly acts like a true man should. He takes up challenges where people usually don't. He doesn't back down from anything. He's a winner, he's freakishly competitive, he can and probably will go the distance just to win.
He loves speaking to people, especially older people. He has a lot of time for the elderly and can sit for hours and just hear them talk. He loves helping people when he can, he absolutely loves listening to people when they come to him with their problems. He can listen endlessly, unconditionally and do so with genuine care. But what happens when he needs to talk to someone? Who does he go to? What does he say? Do people even think that he could possibly need someone to be there for him?
How does he actually feel..
From the inside
I don't know. I can't describe it. I have these mornings where I wake up with a horrible feeling. I don't exactly feel upset, but I am so far away from happiness. I don't want to get up and face the world but I just feel like I have to. I came out of a really long term relationship (5ish years), and when I did I didn't have anyone to turn to. I gave her everything during the time I spent with her. I had a job, I went to uni and I studied hard so the limited amount of time that I had left I gave all to her. I gave her far too much because foolishly I thought that's exactly how it should be. She took it all and asked for more, and it got to an extent where I had nothing more to give, it was physically impossible for me to give her more. That's when it was all thrown back in my face. The time I gave to her meant that I didn't have much time for the friends who slowly grew apart from me, for my family (even though we live in the same house) and to a certain extent, myself. When s he left, I was left alone. I had no one to turn to, no one to speak to, no one to vent to - no one. I spent around half a year completely alone, and built myself up again.
Sometime later, I started speaking to two friends of mine. Two friends that I considered to be my best friends. Just recently, I realised that they aren't, and had to walk away from them too. Now I have fragile friendships (I just don't trust them to have much meaning because my past isn't much to go by), and I just don't feel like I can go to them. Some I probably can go to but, I just feel like they have problems of their own and I don't like being a burden. I feel like one because I've never really been shown that someone actually wants to be there. Some people that probably do want to be there have a lot of problems of their own, and most of the times I feel like I'm there for them (which is absolutely fine). The very few days that they don't face problems, the days that they are actually happier shouldn't be ruined by me and my "problems".
I feel so lonely. I really miss the idea of having someone there who cares. To be able to be me to someone, and to be accepted for it. I miss having an other half. I'll keep on going though, as I have been for the past.. god knows how many years. I know I can go alone though, and I know I can do so all the way. I'm way too strong to break. The problem is, I wouldn't know what it'll take to break me and I don't want it to get to that stage. It'll be so nice to have someone to walk the path that I have with me, but if I don't, I can do it alone.
The nights, sometimes the mornings too - they're the hardest. Throughout the day I'm way too busy to let any of this affect me. I have uni, work, I go gym, I've recently invested in GTA.. so yeah, the days are fine. The nights and the early mornings are the killers. When I lay in bed alone for a moment. When I can hear my thoughts. Where I really notice my loneliness. When I can feel the tears swell up in my eyes, the tears that don't exactly exist. When I don't know what to do, when I ask myself.. what now? When the feeling makes me curl up in my bed and makes my chest feel lighter. When I don't know if it's a nightmare, or if it's reality. When it feels like something is being lodged in the back of my throat and it just feels like I'm going to cry. When I start blaming myself for things that I know aren't my fault. When I think something must be wrong with me. When, despite my confidence, I doubt myself. When I think these feelings are inescapable - that they'll be here for ever.
This feeling just doesn't go and it's hitting me more and more frequently :(
I don't ever melt like I'm doing tonight, and it feels horrible. The more I type the more it affects me.
My feelings are messed up, as you can probably tell from the scattered and nonsensical above post. I talk about myself from the outside in third person because my inner feelings just don't reflect such a happy guy..
I don't know what to do
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment