My wife and I have been married for 15 years. We have no kids. We are both in our early fifties. I have been the bread winner in the home up until this past year when I "retired" early to escape retaliatory behavior for reporting work place violence. My wife works part time, with no benefits.
My wife is the youngest in her family. Her two older sisters have lived "on the dole" off their father, who lets them live in a house he owns for free. They do not work. The two older sisters are in poor health (extreme obesity which has triggered other health problems). One sister is single mother of young teenage boy.
The two older sisters have a strong influence on my wife. It seems to me that my wife is afraid of one of the sisters, even though the sisters live far away in another state. The father is a great person and is doing pretty well for his age. The two sisters seem to complain constantly about the father, and yet he has supported them for their entire adult life (hmmm..., maybe I am seeing a pattern here...?).
Last year my wife went to go help clean up her father's home for 2 months! This caused a lot of grief in our marriage. On the one hand I see how she is close to her family, and she wants to help, on the other hand I feel that our marriage should come first. I feel guilty, or selfish, bringing this up though.
Each year my wife spends at least 2 weeks out with her sisters. What bothers me is that she is more excited, more focused on those trips, then she is at home. It feels like she is a housemate/room mate, than more of a wife. We have discussed these frequent trips of hers and how they affect our marriage, and yet each year they continue to happen. My wife knows how upset I get about them, and yet nothing changes. I am realizing that it will never change.
My wife says she likes her life here with me. We live in an nice area, in a nice home (that I bought before marriage), with nice pets. It all sees so "nice" to her. What is missing though is that I feel like I do have a true life partner. That I am just a convenience for her.
This holiday season her nephew was scheduled to have a surgery before Christmas. My wife told me she wanted to go help her sister and nephew with the surgery. I fully supported that idea and even suggested it to her first, and that she could also spend some time with her dad.
This all seemed fine since my wife would be gone the week before Christmas, and come back to be with me on Christmas. Sounded great, however, my gut instinct warned me... sure enough my wife informed me that she had to stay there during Christmas because her sisters wanted her to manage the father while they took care of the healing nephew. I expressed my discontent about this, and how I was hurt that my wife made plans to spend Christmas away from her husband, and did not jointly find a mutual solution -- instead informing me what was going to happen.
The pattern is the same each year and has been occurring for ten years or more of our marriage. The focus more on trips back home, than in sharing time together, or doing our own trips together.
We discussed our differences over this (again.., and again...) and nothing gets resolved. I finally told her that our marriage seems to be very bad and we should consider divorce, seriously. I do not want to be with someone who is not first most present in our marriage -- and is instead focused on her sisters and their dysfunctions.
Although I feel clear writing this down, I often question whether I am not being flexible, or I am being too selfish, etc. I hear that from my wife, who says " I should support her in these times of challenge".
I am afraid at this point. Being out of work, and trying to start a new career, and considering divorce at the same time, sounds insane to me. Life does throw us curve balls though, and in the end the survivors come out stronger.
Do I think things will change with her? No. I wish they would, however after 10 years of repeat behavior, and with the past few times we almost split up, and yet she continues with these frequent trips.
I think it is time to move on, hopefully find someone who is a true partner. This does not feel like a partnership to me.
Being alone this Christmas has been hard, however, it has been a good time to reflect on what is real and not real in my marriage.
I also wonder if I am making a "mountain out of a mole hill"...? My gut instinct says I am not. It is becoming all too familiar.
I appreciate hearing others views on this situation. Thank you.
My wife is the youngest in her family. Her two older sisters have lived "on the dole" off their father, who lets them live in a house he owns for free. They do not work. The two older sisters are in poor health (extreme obesity which has triggered other health problems). One sister is single mother of young teenage boy.
The two older sisters have a strong influence on my wife. It seems to me that my wife is afraid of one of the sisters, even though the sisters live far away in another state. The father is a great person and is doing pretty well for his age. The two sisters seem to complain constantly about the father, and yet he has supported them for their entire adult life (hmmm..., maybe I am seeing a pattern here...?).
Last year my wife went to go help clean up her father's home for 2 months! This caused a lot of grief in our marriage. On the one hand I see how she is close to her family, and she wants to help, on the other hand I feel that our marriage should come first. I feel guilty, or selfish, bringing this up though.
Each year my wife spends at least 2 weeks out with her sisters. What bothers me is that she is more excited, more focused on those trips, then she is at home. It feels like she is a housemate/room mate, than more of a wife. We have discussed these frequent trips of hers and how they affect our marriage, and yet each year they continue to happen. My wife knows how upset I get about them, and yet nothing changes. I am realizing that it will never change.
My wife says she likes her life here with me. We live in an nice area, in a nice home (that I bought before marriage), with nice pets. It all sees so "nice" to her. What is missing though is that I feel like I do have a true life partner. That I am just a convenience for her.
This holiday season her nephew was scheduled to have a surgery before Christmas. My wife told me she wanted to go help her sister and nephew with the surgery. I fully supported that idea and even suggested it to her first, and that she could also spend some time with her dad.
This all seemed fine since my wife would be gone the week before Christmas, and come back to be with me on Christmas. Sounded great, however, my gut instinct warned me... sure enough my wife informed me that she had to stay there during Christmas because her sisters wanted her to manage the father while they took care of the healing nephew. I expressed my discontent about this, and how I was hurt that my wife made plans to spend Christmas away from her husband, and did not jointly find a mutual solution -- instead informing me what was going to happen.
The pattern is the same each year and has been occurring for ten years or more of our marriage. The focus more on trips back home, than in sharing time together, or doing our own trips together.
We discussed our differences over this (again.., and again...) and nothing gets resolved. I finally told her that our marriage seems to be very bad and we should consider divorce, seriously. I do not want to be with someone who is not first most present in our marriage -- and is instead focused on her sisters and their dysfunctions.
Although I feel clear writing this down, I often question whether I am not being flexible, or I am being too selfish, etc. I hear that from my wife, who says " I should support her in these times of challenge".
I am afraid at this point. Being out of work, and trying to start a new career, and considering divorce at the same time, sounds insane to me. Life does throw us curve balls though, and in the end the survivors come out stronger.
Do I think things will change with her? No. I wish they would, however after 10 years of repeat behavior, and with the past few times we almost split up, and yet she continues with these frequent trips.
I think it is time to move on, hopefully find someone who is a true partner. This does not feel like a partnership to me.
Being alone this Christmas has been hard, however, it has been a good time to reflect on what is real and not real in my marriage.
I also wonder if I am making a "mountain out of a mole hill"...? My gut instinct says I am not. It is becoming all too familiar.
I appreciate hearing others views on this situation. Thank you.
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