I'm sorry in advance, but this is a long one. My wife and i have been married for 16 years, but about the last 7 have been a nightmare.
We've always got on really well, she's been the love of my life, but as with most people in relationships our sex life began to dwindle. Her libido always declined faster than my expectations, it became a real bone of contention between us causing lots of arguments. I kept asking her what I needed to do to help us, she would always say x or y, id do whatever she asked and nothing would change or improve. She told me to not talk about it as she felt under pressure, I stopped raising it, it just meant we had sex even less. Nothing I could do helped. It wasn't just sex though, she pulled away physically and emotionally from me, it began to feel like we were just good housemates. This all slid over a number of years.
We did have children (we actually have 3), but we were blessed with really easy conceptions! So our sex life dwindled to practically nothing less than ten times a year for a few years. I felt talking about it was pointless, nothing changed or improved and it just led to arguments. Anyway, one day I stumbled into a chat room and got talking to various people, I connected with a woman. Just texting nothing in the real world. I'd go hot and cold on her, stopping and starting as I knew it was wrong. She got fed up, she wanted to meet, I refused it all ended. I then started flirting with some other women on text, to me it was nothing serious, just fun, a release from my increasingly broken marriage in terms of intimacy. I knew what I was doing was wrong but didn't know what else to do…I was stupid. I saw it as escapism, not cheating, as I never did anything physical with anyone. As I've read more since then I have realised I was wrong, it was the trust that I broke with my wife.
Anyway, in 2010 my wife discovered my texts. My/our world imploded. We talked lots about it, really sensible conversations about how we both felt and what we wanted. I felt really positive, like maybe, just maybe we could turn a corner and make things good. She said she needed time to rebuild trust in me and she didn't know how long that would take. Completely understandable to me.
I have always said I would do anything to repair our marriage. We tried counselling, but after a couple of sessions my wife said it was useless as they don't understand what is going on in our lives so she refused to try any more. Things would get a bit better, but I would get frustrated that whilst I was trying to make things work I felt no effort from her. All I said from her was that I wanted to feel loved, apart from sex, she never showed any interest in my life, never said she loved me, we never kissed, we never cuddled etc. Nothing in any of those dimensions got better.
When we argued things got worse, arguments more heated. But things did gradually improve for a few months in 2012 and we even had sex once. Then another argument came along, to be honest an irrational one and she ignored me for a whole week, wouldn't talk to me about anything. I had a business trip one day which I didn't tell her about as she wasn't talking to me, later that week she saw a transaction on my credit card statement and queried it. I explained I'd been on a day trip and as she ignoring me and it didn't impact her day I didn't tell her, she said I had destroyed the trust again (as I could be up to anything) and everything fell apart again.
We continued to bumble along, then in 2013 one of our children fell ill in a serious way. Obviously the focus became her, but as she began to overcome the worst of the illness by the end of 2013 I was really looking forward to 2014. But the year started with some horrible arguments. She said that she felt under pressure still, I decided not to talk about anything bad that was going on in our relationship for the rest of the year (unless she wanted to), I just tried to focus on the positives. We had a few conversations during the year and she sounded more positive but nothing really changed she's still distant and remote.
To cut a long story short, we're still drifting, nothing has improved. I still desperately want to try to make it work not only because I love her but for our children too. She says she wants to make it work too, but I see nothing to suggest she is trying, she just comes back to saying she needs time. I'm not allowed to touch her, if I do she moves away (so no holding hands, no cuddles), we never go out on dates apart from a rushed meal from time to time after something to do with the school, every night she sits on a sofa opposite me. The extent of our physical relationship is a quick kiss on the lips goodnight.
She used to say that she was concerned that if I didn't get what I wanted I'd just walk out. I said I never would just walk out on her and the kids and that if I ever felt it wasn't working I would tell her so. At the end of 2014 I muted for the first time that we had to fix it, for if we didn't, our marriage could only go one way. Which from my perspective is true, I never gave us a deadline to fix it, she then turned that into how I was blackmailing her into doing what I wanted for our relationship. That wasn't my intention, it was just me trying to be open and honest with her, I feel that our marriage is unsustainable.
The problem is I don't know what to do, she says she can see I've been making an effort. I genuinely try to give her whatever she wants (clearly I'm failing, but im doing what she asks). We do have a good lifestyle, nice holidays when she wants we also moved house because she wanted too. I've read a lot over the last 5 years (5 languages of love and a few others), I've suggested in the past that she should but she refuses, apparently they're a waste of time as they can't be applied to our circumstance. She continues to refuse to consider counselling.
I don't feel that I can do much more, it feels like she's not trying to help us and that she's just waiting on some divine intervention that is going to change things. I feel that we both have to try to save us, but I feel that I am alone in doing so. I knew it would take some time to get over what I did, never in my wildest dreams did I think it would take this long.
So why am I writing this? I don't know, to get some thoughts and perspectives from others on our situation. Thanks for reading.
We've always got on really well, she's been the love of my life, but as with most people in relationships our sex life began to dwindle. Her libido always declined faster than my expectations, it became a real bone of contention between us causing lots of arguments. I kept asking her what I needed to do to help us, she would always say x or y, id do whatever she asked and nothing would change or improve. She told me to not talk about it as she felt under pressure, I stopped raising it, it just meant we had sex even less. Nothing I could do helped. It wasn't just sex though, she pulled away physically and emotionally from me, it began to feel like we were just good housemates. This all slid over a number of years.
We did have children (we actually have 3), but we were blessed with really easy conceptions! So our sex life dwindled to practically nothing less than ten times a year for a few years. I felt talking about it was pointless, nothing changed or improved and it just led to arguments. Anyway, one day I stumbled into a chat room and got talking to various people, I connected with a woman. Just texting nothing in the real world. I'd go hot and cold on her, stopping and starting as I knew it was wrong. She got fed up, she wanted to meet, I refused it all ended. I then started flirting with some other women on text, to me it was nothing serious, just fun, a release from my increasingly broken marriage in terms of intimacy. I knew what I was doing was wrong but didn't know what else to do…I was stupid. I saw it as escapism, not cheating, as I never did anything physical with anyone. As I've read more since then I have realised I was wrong, it was the trust that I broke with my wife.
Anyway, in 2010 my wife discovered my texts. My/our world imploded. We talked lots about it, really sensible conversations about how we both felt and what we wanted. I felt really positive, like maybe, just maybe we could turn a corner and make things good. She said she needed time to rebuild trust in me and she didn't know how long that would take. Completely understandable to me.
I have always said I would do anything to repair our marriage. We tried counselling, but after a couple of sessions my wife said it was useless as they don't understand what is going on in our lives so she refused to try any more. Things would get a bit better, but I would get frustrated that whilst I was trying to make things work I felt no effort from her. All I said from her was that I wanted to feel loved, apart from sex, she never showed any interest in my life, never said she loved me, we never kissed, we never cuddled etc. Nothing in any of those dimensions got better.
When we argued things got worse, arguments more heated. But things did gradually improve for a few months in 2012 and we even had sex once. Then another argument came along, to be honest an irrational one and she ignored me for a whole week, wouldn't talk to me about anything. I had a business trip one day which I didn't tell her about as she wasn't talking to me, later that week she saw a transaction on my credit card statement and queried it. I explained I'd been on a day trip and as she ignoring me and it didn't impact her day I didn't tell her, she said I had destroyed the trust again (as I could be up to anything) and everything fell apart again.
We continued to bumble along, then in 2013 one of our children fell ill in a serious way. Obviously the focus became her, but as she began to overcome the worst of the illness by the end of 2013 I was really looking forward to 2014. But the year started with some horrible arguments. She said that she felt under pressure still, I decided not to talk about anything bad that was going on in our relationship for the rest of the year (unless she wanted to), I just tried to focus on the positives. We had a few conversations during the year and she sounded more positive but nothing really changed she's still distant and remote.
To cut a long story short, we're still drifting, nothing has improved. I still desperately want to try to make it work not only because I love her but for our children too. She says she wants to make it work too, but I see nothing to suggest she is trying, she just comes back to saying she needs time. I'm not allowed to touch her, if I do she moves away (so no holding hands, no cuddles), we never go out on dates apart from a rushed meal from time to time after something to do with the school, every night she sits on a sofa opposite me. The extent of our physical relationship is a quick kiss on the lips goodnight.
She used to say that she was concerned that if I didn't get what I wanted I'd just walk out. I said I never would just walk out on her and the kids and that if I ever felt it wasn't working I would tell her so. At the end of 2014 I muted for the first time that we had to fix it, for if we didn't, our marriage could only go one way. Which from my perspective is true, I never gave us a deadline to fix it, she then turned that into how I was blackmailing her into doing what I wanted for our relationship. That wasn't my intention, it was just me trying to be open and honest with her, I feel that our marriage is unsustainable.
The problem is I don't know what to do, she says she can see I've been making an effort. I genuinely try to give her whatever she wants (clearly I'm failing, but im doing what she asks). We do have a good lifestyle, nice holidays when she wants we also moved house because she wanted too. I've read a lot over the last 5 years (5 languages of love and a few others), I've suggested in the past that she should but she refuses, apparently they're a waste of time as they can't be applied to our circumstance. She continues to refuse to consider counselling.
I don't feel that I can do much more, it feels like she's not trying to help us and that she's just waiting on some divine intervention that is going to change things. I feel that we both have to try to save us, but I feel that I am alone in doing so. I knew it would take some time to get over what I did, never in my wildest dreams did I think it would take this long.
So why am I writing this? I don't know, to get some thoughts and perspectives from others on our situation. Thanks for reading.
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