Hi everyone, it's my first time posting here but I want to start by saying THANK YOU to everyone who participates here. I have learned so much and you all are helping me through a VERY difficult journey.
I've been married 23 years to a really great man but our marriage has been unnecessarily rough and I blame the fact that I didn't have the courage to tell him about the intense sexual abuse I endured as a child/teen until just three years ago. So for twenty years he lived in the dark not knowing what was wrong with me and why I act(ed) out in ways that made no sense whatsoever.
I am wondering though, just how much detail should I share with him? He tells me he wants me to tell him everything I am comfortable with sharing so he can better understand me and on one hand I feel like full disclosure is healthy because it has helped us 100% understand my aversion to pornography (it was used as a tool to abuse me) and prostitution (I was forced into it).
But on the other hand, some of the details.. for example, when I told him that the reason I sometimes shut down during sex isn't because I'm not into him (I SO AM!) but because his face will suddenly morph into one of my abusers (I can't help it and it sucks) I see the hurt in his eyes and I don't want to keep sharing things that might help him to better understand me because I know it hurts him.
I love him so much and don't want him to have to share every ugly aspect of this burden that lives in my soul even though he insists I no longer carry it alone and he's telling me to tell him things if I just need to get them out or if I think it will help him help us.
Not sure what to do because some more details probably would help our relationship even more and help him better understand me and my struggles but I am not sure whether I can live with inflicting more pain on him. I've put him through enough in this marriage as it is. :(
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. :)
P.S.
As I've been reading threads here, I keep wondering how many people are living with a spouse who haven't told their SO about sexual traumas that happened? Probably a LOT! I see myself in so many of these threads and it breaks my heart for the spouse who is left wondering what the hell is wrong with this person they love so much. :scratchhead:
I've been married 23 years to a really great man but our marriage has been unnecessarily rough and I blame the fact that I didn't have the courage to tell him about the intense sexual abuse I endured as a child/teen until just three years ago. So for twenty years he lived in the dark not knowing what was wrong with me and why I act(ed) out in ways that made no sense whatsoever.
I am wondering though, just how much detail should I share with him? He tells me he wants me to tell him everything I am comfortable with sharing so he can better understand me and on one hand I feel like full disclosure is healthy because it has helped us 100% understand my aversion to pornography (it was used as a tool to abuse me) and prostitution (I was forced into it).
But on the other hand, some of the details.. for example, when I told him that the reason I sometimes shut down during sex isn't because I'm not into him (I SO AM!) but because his face will suddenly morph into one of my abusers (I can't help it and it sucks) I see the hurt in his eyes and I don't want to keep sharing things that might help him to better understand me because I know it hurts him.
I love him so much and don't want him to have to share every ugly aspect of this burden that lives in my soul even though he insists I no longer carry it alone and he's telling me to tell him things if I just need to get them out or if I think it will help him help us.
Not sure what to do because some more details probably would help our relationship even more and help him better understand me and my struggles but I am not sure whether I can live with inflicting more pain on him. I've put him through enough in this marriage as it is. :(
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. :)
P.S.
As I've been reading threads here, I keep wondering how many people are living with a spouse who haven't told their SO about sexual traumas that happened? Probably a LOT! I see myself in so many of these threads and it breaks my heart for the spouse who is left wondering what the hell is wrong with this person they love so much. :scratchhead:
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