First Post: Trying to figure life out after my wife's affair.

It has been close to a year since my wife told me about her affair and I am still trying to figure things out. We have been married for over twenty years and have some great kids and I never saw this coming. Before this I would have trusted her without question. I am pretty sure that I have handled some things wrong over this past year trying to save our marriage, and I do still love and care for her, but it looks like we are headed for divorce. She told me about the affair over the phone while she was out-of-town on a trip. I had called to talk and share some stuff I had learned in a men's group I was attending about marriage. Things I thought would help us. She stops me and tells me that I will not want her once she tells me what she has done. She says she has found someone else, but it has not went all the way sexually. It is a coworker and I feel like I have been punched in the gut. Well I loose it for a few a get emotional, but I say I forgive her an d I love her and our kids and want our marriage to work. I fly out to where she is and we have a crazy emotional week, shocking I know, and she lies to me several times I figure out. During these first few weeks and maybe months I am reading everything I can on affairs and what causes them. I have always believed in cause and effect and it takes two to tango. I felt that there was something that I did also that caused this to happen. I was a real wreck during this time and very emotional. Sometime during this point she did go all the way with the OM. We have been through several false starts and stops, and I have been on several sites that all say it is hard, especially for women to make a clean break, when it comes to an affair. Long story short I know it is over now because the OM broke it off, because he says she took to long to make up her mind. I think things just got to real for him and he decided to cut and run because the fairy tail was coming to an end. Whatever... I have worked hard to keep things together and now she says she just does not love me anymore and that she is dead inside and wants a divorce. This is the cliff notes version of things but I feel like all the effort and time that I have put in has been for nothing and feel like a bit of a fool. I did work on my flaws that were pointed out in MC but she will not let go of the past. I feel lost and like a failure to my kids. I don't want to try to force someone to love me I know that is just plain stupid, but it is hard to just let go of a life together. Any advice from anyone who has been through something like this would be greatly appreciated.
PS I also should mention her hormones took a dive over the last two years and some depression also. I have read a ton that say that this could be factors. I don't know I do believe that the affair was still a choice. I did have my part in our marriage issues but there was still a choice to cross that line.

Thanks,
TTFTO

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