In the end, at the end of the day it was you who destroyed it. It wasn't me at all, and while it hurts so much that the cards were ultimately
never in my hands, I can say that as far as this quantum super-imposed spatial and temporal enigmatic multiverse-paralellism of reality goes I
did everything I could in my power as a mere human being to preserve the beauty I felt when I was with you, whether you didn't see it or you did
doesn't matter now. I know
that one day, be it months or years, maybe decades, you will remember me and you will realize what you destroyed and I really hope when they day
comes, i truly hope you don't feel even a billionth of a fraction of the loss and pain i've felt because, like the black hole of pain and misery
that erupted in my being since this all ended, it feels infinite and unknown, i've felt lost, betrayed. My world shattered.
We could have been something that transcended time and space, and I know that's how you felt when we were in my room wearing nothing, with no
warmth in the world other than the skin of the other, gazing into each others eyes, so black they're like the universe. And we both had been
through the same trauma, a unique kind that so many would never understand, and as we lay together we spoke for hours about things other people
would never understand, things that no one can relate to because so few people have such specific problems in their lives,
I really thought I had found someone who I could open up too finally, I let it all go, the mask I wear so much it's become my face, i let it
slip with you, you saw me like no other, and I felt after years and years, if not my whole life, knowing that it was very unlikely, if not
impossible, i'll ever find anyone who ever understood me or I could show this side of me to, knowing that truly to fall in love just wouldn't
happen to me I felt that the universe had given me that which I thought was only a dream when we met. I've never had a hard time with physical
attraction luckily thanks to this exterior, the face, the mask I wear. Being attractive physically might mean you can find love easily right? for
me it couldn't be further from the truth, because although people might say you are good looking I can never FEEL like I am, and that's something
you knew only all too well and something we shared, but also it goes deeper than that, just because someone likes how you look, it doesn't mean
they like you, how can someone understand you when they've never been thought what you have? I could never relate to the other girls, and so many
of them were so conventionally beautiful, and even though you might not have been seen as so, to me you were, to me you were the most beautiful
girl in the world, to me you were, through my eyes i'd choose you over anyone, you saw more to me than this shell of meat I reside in, the cosmic
spacesuit, you saw into my soul, somewhere I never thought I could share with anyone, and hid so well for so long.
I really I need to always remember that, no matter how painful it's been since i've cut you out of my life after our short, beautiful yet
chaotic and destructive relationship, since you've been gone months and months have passed, yet here I still find myself thinking about you, and
having those same feelings all come out, the pain the sadness the longing for the universe to have just let this one thing work, to just allow us
to work, I wish so hard whatever it was that happened to you while we were seeing each other didn't happen, it was such a cruel maneuver of the
universe for your mental illness to creep up on you once again and tear your life apart left right and center.
It's likely I was just collateral damage, maybe you could have done something to save us, maybe we were doomed. I really did think I loved you, I
just feel like bursting into tears sometimes when I think about how good I felt when we were together compared to how I do now.
I've been a broken man for a long time, but I'm picking up the pieces, i'm writing this just to vent, I'll never contact you again, like I
promised, it's for the best. I just can't risk it, I can never let my life get to this point ever again. Before I always thought "give her one
last chance", or "wait it out, she will get better soon" all of these things prolonged my agony and just resulted in a climax of excruciating
pain on every scale i could ever imagine, emotional, spiritual, even existential.
I don't think I'll ever let anyone in as much as I let you again, maybe ever. and that's not necessarily a bad thing. I've just had too much
pain. I had a mini existential break down, I stopped talking to friends, I failed my exams at uni. Everything collapsed.
I wish so badly we could have worked, hopefully in another universe, parallel to this we worked it out, and right now instead of typing this
you're here laying next to me like before. I have to accept I can't change some things and I have to accept I tried my best, The mind of god is
insane and lonely, we're all born into this crazy world, with crazy rules and we try our best to make sense and make order of it all be it
through religion or some other kind of systems of belief, all I know is in this crazy world, i've always felt like a freak and felt alone in how
I think but I found my other half no doubt at least once, it's a crazy world and I wish we could have gone through it together. maybe in another universe...
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment