Hello everyone
First time poster and I just need to vent.
I am going through a roller coaster of emotions so I thought I'd address my anger/frustration today. This is my story. A long one. Sorry.
My fourth D-Day was just 12 days ago - and yes, you read right, betrayed four times.
WW comes from a very damaged past - she is a child of many divorces; sexually abused as a small child by a family member for years; her mother (5 marriages so far) neglected her; her biological father lived in another country, rarely saw her and never saw her again after she turned 11 (He died 8 years ago). In addition, mental illness and behavioural disorders runs in her family (although it should be noted that WW isn't currently diagnosed with anything).
These things may scare a lot of men away, but I still loved her deeply.
We've been together 17 years and met in college when she was 20 and I was 22. She pursued me. She broke up with her live- in boyfriend of 2 years so we could start dating.
Her first indiscretion was about 1.5 years after we started living together. It was an EA with a married co-worker who had 2 toddlers. She admitted it and asked for forgiveness. We fought. I forgave her, asked her to quit her job which she did.
We had our son a year after that incident. It was great - we were a family. We were more loving than ever. Our future looked bright. We talked of marriage but never did. We're both not religious and based on her upbringing, she didn't see the point of it.
Her second affair occurred a year after returning from maternity leave. She confessed to a 9 month long PA after I started to notice the typical suspicious behaviours. The OM was a married co-worker, 20 years (!) her senior with 2 young kids - 6 and 8. OM worked in another office 6 hours away. They wanted to be together so OM separated (eventually divorced) from his wife but we went to MC and WW reconsidered. WW quit her job and found a new one. We reconciled as I still loved her, my son and our family.
8 years go by and everything was great. Our relationship was great. Trust was rebuilt. Lots of love, affection, intimacy, sex. Our son was growing up in a warm loving household.
Everyone thought of us as a model couple.
Then WW's third affair barrels in and wrecks all of that. It was a PA with an older coworker (10 yrs her senior) from another country. He was single, never married- would only get together at work conferences - going on for 8 months. I found out when I saw a txt from him telling her that he loved her. I freaked. She told the OM its over. She didn't quit her job as she was expecting a big promotion and the OM is in another country. Over time, the OM becomes increasingly nasty to WW and eventually gets fired from the company for being an a-hole with all of his co-workers. WW goes through 6 months of individual therapy to look at her issues from her past. We reconcile again. I still loved her and my son and believed that she still loved me.
But I become more vigilant - suspicious of her activities especially anything to do with social events with her co-workers and business travel (she travels around 10-15 times per year for work).
WW was promoted to a very senior role at her company last summer. She became involved in a high profile project that required working both nights, weekends and travel. Of course, she developed friendships with others working on the project. He is married with a 2 year old. He (8 years younger than WW)and his wife came from another country to advance his career but have always wanted to go back to raise their child closer to friends and family. They were planning on moving back next summer after collecting his bonus for the completion of this project. I did notice that she was spending quite some time with him and noticed a growing distance between us. She was rarely at home due to this on-going project. I would ask questions about her relationship with him but was met with the usual lies. "I'm not attracted to him, he has a wife and daughter, he's just a friend, you're paranoid, I love only you..." Two weeks ago, she had to go on another business trip (her sixth in 7 weeks) and her return flight back home was delayed (weather) to the following day. I called the airline to see if there were any earlier flights. Airline tells me that there are 6 other flights that she could have taken home and asks if I want to rebook the flight for her and her travel companion, the OM. I fly off the handle and call to confront her. She finally admits it - they are in love. The trip wasn't for work, they are there to celebrate her belated birthday. I'm livid so I get in touch with OM's wife. She was unaware. I now regret contacting OM's wife but I was so enraged at the time from all of the lies and deceit yet AGAIN. The OM's wife was vacationing back in their home country at the time and has now decided to remain there with the child indefinitely. The OM was livid with me as he needs to stay here to collect his significant bonus $ but now he will be without his daughter until he returns to his home country next year.
WW is now leaving me, saying that she must not love me for her to keep doing this, that our relationship is broken, that she needs time alone to find her own happiness and address her own problems but at the same time, will continue to see OM (now that his wife and child remain in their home country, she feels she needs to emotionally support him through this trying time and can also do so unabashedly) until he goes back home next year.
All of our friends and family (hers included!) are not talking to her anymore as they are disgusted by her actions (no one knew of her previous affairs) and her decision of not wanting to work on the marriage even if only for our son's sake. They want her to seek professional help for her own issues but she also refuses.
If you want to survive an affair, seek professional help so can address any issues (past/present) that may hamper your relationship, establish mutual boundaries and rebuild trust.
But realize that its a long, hard road with many bumps and know that some people just can't or don't want to change who they are.
Happiness for everyone might be to just walk away. Wish I did that a long time ago.
First time poster and I just need to vent.
I am going through a roller coaster of emotions so I thought I'd address my anger/frustration today. This is my story. A long one. Sorry.
My fourth D-Day was just 12 days ago - and yes, you read right, betrayed four times.
WW comes from a very damaged past - she is a child of many divorces; sexually abused as a small child by a family member for years; her mother (5 marriages so far) neglected her; her biological father lived in another country, rarely saw her and never saw her again after she turned 11 (He died 8 years ago). In addition, mental illness and behavioural disorders runs in her family (although it should be noted that WW isn't currently diagnosed with anything).
These things may scare a lot of men away, but I still loved her deeply.
We've been together 17 years and met in college when she was 20 and I was 22. She pursued me. She broke up with her live- in boyfriend of 2 years so we could start dating.
Her first indiscretion was about 1.5 years after we started living together. It was an EA with a married co-worker who had 2 toddlers. She admitted it and asked for forgiveness. We fought. I forgave her, asked her to quit her job which she did.
We had our son a year after that incident. It was great - we were a family. We were more loving than ever. Our future looked bright. We talked of marriage but never did. We're both not religious and based on her upbringing, she didn't see the point of it.
Her second affair occurred a year after returning from maternity leave. She confessed to a 9 month long PA after I started to notice the typical suspicious behaviours. The OM was a married co-worker, 20 years (!) her senior with 2 young kids - 6 and 8. OM worked in another office 6 hours away. They wanted to be together so OM separated (eventually divorced) from his wife but we went to MC and WW reconsidered. WW quit her job and found a new one. We reconciled as I still loved her, my son and our family.
8 years go by and everything was great. Our relationship was great. Trust was rebuilt. Lots of love, affection, intimacy, sex. Our son was growing up in a warm loving household.
Everyone thought of us as a model couple.
Then WW's third affair barrels in and wrecks all of that. It was a PA with an older coworker (10 yrs her senior) from another country. He was single, never married- would only get together at work conferences - going on for 8 months. I found out when I saw a txt from him telling her that he loved her. I freaked. She told the OM its over. She didn't quit her job as she was expecting a big promotion and the OM is in another country. Over time, the OM becomes increasingly nasty to WW and eventually gets fired from the company for being an a-hole with all of his co-workers. WW goes through 6 months of individual therapy to look at her issues from her past. We reconcile again. I still loved her and my son and believed that she still loved me.
But I become more vigilant - suspicious of her activities especially anything to do with social events with her co-workers and business travel (she travels around 10-15 times per year for work).
WW was promoted to a very senior role at her company last summer. She became involved in a high profile project that required working both nights, weekends and travel. Of course, she developed friendships with others working on the project. He is married with a 2 year old. He (8 years younger than WW)and his wife came from another country to advance his career but have always wanted to go back to raise their child closer to friends and family. They were planning on moving back next summer after collecting his bonus for the completion of this project. I did notice that she was spending quite some time with him and noticed a growing distance between us. She was rarely at home due to this on-going project. I would ask questions about her relationship with him but was met with the usual lies. "I'm not attracted to him, he has a wife and daughter, he's just a friend, you're paranoid, I love only you..." Two weeks ago, she had to go on another business trip (her sixth in 7 weeks) and her return flight back home was delayed (weather) to the following day. I called the airline to see if there were any earlier flights. Airline tells me that there are 6 other flights that she could have taken home and asks if I want to rebook the flight for her and her travel companion, the OM. I fly off the handle and call to confront her. She finally admits it - they are in love. The trip wasn't for work, they are there to celebrate her belated birthday. I'm livid so I get in touch with OM's wife. She was unaware. I now regret contacting OM's wife but I was so enraged at the time from all of the lies and deceit yet AGAIN. The OM's wife was vacationing back in their home country at the time and has now decided to remain there with the child indefinitely. The OM was livid with me as he needs to stay here to collect his significant bonus $ but now he will be without his daughter until he returns to his home country next year.
WW is now leaving me, saying that she must not love me for her to keep doing this, that our relationship is broken, that she needs time alone to find her own happiness and address her own problems but at the same time, will continue to see OM (now that his wife and child remain in their home country, she feels she needs to emotionally support him through this trying time and can also do so unabashedly) until he goes back home next year.
All of our friends and family (hers included!) are not talking to her anymore as they are disgusted by her actions (no one knew of her previous affairs) and her decision of not wanting to work on the marriage even if only for our son's sake. They want her to seek professional help for her own issues but she also refuses.
If you want to survive an affair, seek professional help so can address any issues (past/present) that may hamper your relationship, establish mutual boundaries and rebuild trust.
But realize that its a long, hard road with many bumps and know that some people just can't or don't want to change who they are.
Happiness for everyone might be to just walk away. Wish I did that a long time ago.
Put the internet to work for you.
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