Hi all! I've had some thoughts recently on what relationships and dating means in the 21st century, and I just wanted to see what you guys might think. I'll admit firstly that I'm going to generalise about women and men. I realise not all men and women are the way I describe them - none of my friends are like this. But I'm trying to point out what society sees as the norm for men and women, and thus I need to generalise.
The first thing I noticed when getting to uni was the sudden arrogance of people. At my sixth form most people knew each other and it was quite a friendly and relaxed environment. Suddenly at uni, the guys I talked to appeared as if they were trying too hard to be self-confident, and were quite ok with subtly putting down others around them. One guy I talked to subtly implied to me that I look like a nerd whilst he looked like a stud. I do look a bit like a nerd, but the way he HAD to point it out was like he was trying to position himself as higher than me on some masculinity hierarchy. I felt this was strongest in clubs, the way men wear tight clothing to show off their muscles, the way especially groups of LADS are loud, sexist - it's almost like they're trying too hard to assert their masculinity.
This all didn't really surprise me, there were people like this at school too. What really shocked me was that the women at uni were practically the same. I decided to download Tinder as a bit of a joke, but one thing that surprised me was how many women's bios say things like "don't talk to me if you're boring", "if you're a boring nice guy, swipe left" etc. I don't expect women to be the classic feminine counterpart to masculinity, but I feel I did expect women to be able to see past the plastic chauvinistic masculine power-play of these men. Instead, women (at least in clubs) seemed to wish to join these men in all their superficiality.
So what I'm getting at is basically this: our society seems to have dreamt up some idea of masculinity which seems sort of beyond anything natural - traits like self-confidence, cockiness etc. get taken to their extreme to the point where it appears more like a minstrelsy show rather than a natural personality. Both men and women seem to aspire to be this. I think it's strongest in the club where it's allowed to be its 'raw' form, but it has permeated all other levels of relationships.
Why has this 'masculinity' standard appeared though? I think it's because our society today values sex and objectification more than equality. Basically, we're taught that the ends of any interaction between a man and woman, whether a hook-up, dating, relationship, or even marriage, is sex. In the past, men had the power in sexual relationships, but as feminism grew rapidly in the 20th century, women have become more aware of their role in society. I think feminism has taught women of this imbalance, and the solution women have found is to desire sex not only as much as men, but in the same way men did - i.e., women have become as chauvinistic as men have. Just an example - Belle Knox, a first-year university student at Duke University, was outed as a porn-star. She claims she is a feminist and porn liberates her because she enjoys sex. Feminists 40 years ago were picketing porn stores as they were seen as the haven of the male fantasy to dominate women. Today though, feminis ts are in porn, showing they are trying to compete with men at their own game. I'm not making any judgements about what feminists have done or are doing, I'm just pointing out that it seems to me that women have responded to the power of the male libido by appropriating it for themselves. Men, feeling threatened by this, have then responded by trying to be even more arrogant and dominating in order to regain control over these women. In other words, it's a battle between men and women as to who holds dominance in sexual power, and its been taken to an extreme where it is now the focus of all male-women interaction.
So basically, what I'm saying is both men and women see any relationship as some sort of pathway to sex, and in that pathway there's a strong power-play between who dominates who. This society's emphasis on sex has sacrificed genuine pursuits for equality between men and women, as we'd rather play a superficial game of power-struggle. I think some 2nd wave feminists were aware of this, as their solution was to abandon sex altogether. I don't really have any solutions, but what I do feel is that both men and women today value objectifying each other so they can enter this relationship power-play for sex more than genuinely trying to get to know one-another. This makes it difficult for guys and girls who want to have a simple nice relationship - just from my own observations, effeminate guys struggle finding dates because the women they date quickly recognise they're not going to try to challenge them. I'm sure women have similar experiences, but I can't say because I'm not a w oman aha :P
I'll admit that maybe I'm being bitter, but this is how I think we are taught to see modern relationships. It doesn't mean everyone is like this, I have met plenty of people who don't follow these trends. But, for the most part I think society has put these expectations in people, and as a result men-women relationships have largely become about sexual power dynamics rather than appreciation of one-another.
Put the internet to work for you.
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