Hi
To cut a very long story short I'll give you some background info to start.
When I was 18 (now 25) I was attacked and beaten into hospital with a pool cue by a group of chavs who jumped me. I had a pool cue jammed in to my eye and when I woke up in the hospital that night from being unconscious, the docs ripped my bloody eye open and I realized soon enough I couldn't see. The injury caused that much damage not only was a blinded I soon noticed that my eye had become permanently lazy. It drifts off to the right and makes it look like I am staring at two things at once.
Obviously after suffering 7 years of this psychological trauma which has caused serious self confidence issues, depression and even caused me to see an anger management specialist as at one point I was living for revenge and my personal relationships were severely affected, thank goodness I am out of that stage now!! You would think I would be "used" to it. Well, yes I am used to the notion that I can never see again, but it's still as raw as ever when you meet someone new they are just staring at your "wonky eye".
It has even got so bad I had a job interview recently and the person conducting the interview was relentlessly staring at my eve every time I was speaking and I could not focus on giving a straight answer as a result. I even at one point asked him to please remain professional and not focus heavily on my eye. As you can imagine that caused some serious awkwardness and my confrontational attitude cost me the job. It's horrible!! I am sick of living in this fear of rejection, even from employers who are supposed to be "neutral". Yes we're all humans, and it's in our nature to judge, even if we don't intend on hurting others with it.
I could rant on about the dates I've been on over the last 7 years and how disastrous they have turned out. The comments, the rejection, the obviousness of the issue. I have been told it's "all in my head" but how can it be when you look in the mirror and you can CLEARLY see what everyone else is seeing. You can feel the way you have been judged because you're the one going through it.
I recently come out of a failed relationship with one lady who was beautiful inside and out and accepted me for who I was, not some problem with an eye and I messed it up big time because I could not control my insecure, jealous and paranoid thoughts because in my mind she was "too good for me" and felt almost she was making a mockery of me because I felt so low about myself. Needless to say she could not take any more of my behavior and rightfully moved on with her life.
I was heart broken but knew I deserved it and would be a lesson learned to accept that if a girl is with you then she is with you for you. my mistake, you move on! But recently I am more low than ever about my problem. Recent dates have rejected me and I know it's because of my eye because on the dates I could tell it was a massive distraction. I get that it's off putting and unattractive for a lady. I even started working out on my body, packing on some muscle just to be able to give something back to compensate for what I lack in my facial area. But I have found that this has done nothing. Women do not care about your body as long as they find you attractive. Lose lose situation there.
But seriously what can I do? There is no exercises that exist that can help straighten up a blind lazy eye. No contacts, no surgery NOTHING. Do you I need to try and explore options to get the alignment corrected, or is it psychological help I need to accept it is what it is. I know people will give it the "you are who you are, people will accept you for that or they won't" speech but it's kind of hard to think like that when you are in the constant lime light of rejection. You're constantly reminded of how unattractive you are to the opposite sex and IT'S NOT EVEN MY FAULT. People don't know my sight was taken from me and I get tired of having to explain and justify how else I can be good enough for them.
I just need direction where to take this. I am wallowing in a pit of depression and despair and can feel my life in every area just slowly diminishing. Should I go to the docs and see what they say? Advice saying "man up and deal with it" is not helpful. I've tried.
Please anybody who has gone through similar or knows how I can get back on the road to feeling confident again. I'd love any positive and constructive advice.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment