The conclusion of my first year at uni has invoked some retrospective ideas which may be the underlying cause of my dissatisfaction in life. A great friend who once loved me claims 'there is NOTHING special' about me and those words have stuck for the past few months.
I care about my friends and those I love very dearly but seldom do I meet someone who has retained my interest for over a month or they lose interest in moi.
Those individuals who have had mutual interests, we can keep the conversation going but I eventually get put off :s On the other hand sometimes (e.g my once 'great friend') and I were VERY different people with virtually no mutual interests yet I revered him and longed to be around him but he found me off putting L I really miss him as a friend and I feel I will not find a person as great as him … I wish for him to find someone who NEVER puts him off, and keeps him smiling. I get upset and cry a lot and I'm on anti-depressants. My great friend said that I'm an attention seeker but I think not because I divert attention away from myself and am more of a recluse. I admit I am at times very immature with regards to my ideologies and outlook on life…
I like my best friend a lot and I don't want to lose her but lately there have been lots of awkward silences which has piqued a concern. I took a Gap Year hence most of my uni friends are younger and my best friend often complains about the most trivial things and I nevertheless listen since I love her albeit thinking she has no reason to be depressed and is spiteful and childish! Now I understand why my 'great friend' got fed up of me complaining all the time yet he listened as he loved me :'(
I know where I want to be headed in life and happy with my course but just feel very lonely as I don't have anyone to talk to who fully understands me. My 'great friend' was probably the closest I've got but he's gone now and to be fair he deserves a lot better than me as he is very special and 'there is nothing special about me'.
Whenever people see me they presume I'm the happiest person in the world as I have an instinctive smile but really I can't help be sad. I don't really have a reason to feel so dire as I love my family and my university course… just there's an empty void of gloomy loneliness that the lack of clicking with people has engraved. I wish to not socialise and become a recluse however it exacerbates my sadness.
Put the internet to work for you.
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