We've been married for 8 years, together 10. My husband is a good man—a good provider through honorable work, and a good father to our two young children. No unhealthy vices. He communicates his feelings constructively. He is wildly intelligent, and our values are largely aligned.
Despite all this, the doubts I had before marrying him have never dissipated. Although we were a beautiful match intellectually, there were red flags.
Before we were married we attended my best friend's wedding across the country. It didn't go well; he didn't mix well with others, coming off as awkward and maybe even aloof. I cried on the flight home. I remember discussing it with my friend later and saying "it's just that I want him to be the one at the party that I want to go home with." But he wasn't (not that there was someone else). This disappointment in social situations was not an isolated incident. But I just thought stress from other (temporary) things in his life prevented him from really relaxing. Or that my friend's wedding, for example, was just too overwhelming a situation for him.
My internal dialogue: He is a good man. We share many values. We can build a good life together. Every relationship has compromises, right? Nobody is perfect. This man wants to be with me and I should not let that go…even if I can see in my friends' faces that they just don't get it. Besides, we already told everybody we were getting married and it would just be too embarrassing to back track now. We can make this work. We'll grow together. My love will blossom.
I'm afraid it hasn't. At least not enough.
One major stumbling block is that we don't want the same things sexually. Let's just say that he wants something that my body did not come equipped to give him; something that I was willing to dabble in, but that I am not truly interested in. The very fact that he wants it is a turn off for me. I'm loathe to admit this is such an issue because I want to be an open-minded and accepting person. This isn't wrong, it's just what he desires. He can't help it. I've really tried to work with this for years. (I did know about this before we married, although the extent of his interest was not clear to me.) Before deciding to have children, we met with a sex therapist to make sure our relationship was solid. That seemed to get us to a good place; I thought we were OK. But it turned out that I had just learned new ways to suppress the doubts and discomfort that eventually resurfaced. It's just not my thing. I can't help it either.
Bottom line: there just isn't any physical chemistry here. I've been happier since we decided (at my behest) to take a sexual break six months ago. But then what kind of a marriage is this? We've been seeing a counselor, but I don't think it's helping.
It's been 10 years. We've been through so many phases and stages, and I've come to believe that my doubts will never go away. My inner voice will always sound disappointed. I feel so ashamed. I can make it go away for a while, but it comes back. It's like my life is built on this fundamental dishonesty and I can never feel right about it. And I find that this dishonestly holds me back in other relationships—how can I be a good friend when I'm not being real?—and that makes me even more miserable.
Leaving seems impossible, and not a happy prospect for any of us. But I don't know if staying is right either. I care about my husband deeply, of course, and I don't want to hurt him. And we have kids! Do I owe it to them to stick this out? I'm so torn and lost. My spirit is so diminished.
I've questioned whether I'm holding a juvenile delusion that the grass is greener elsewhere. But when I imagine us divorced, I see so much struggle and difficulty (at least at first). I don't see a fabulous single girl's life. But I do fantasize about what great co-parents we could be; about how we could amicably remain in each other's lives in a new way. And, yes, I do wonder if maybe someday I would meet someone to light my fire again. Someone to share the rest of my life with, because I do actually believe in marriage. I do see how amazing it can be to partner up for the long haul. And I know that a new man wouldn't be perfect either and that all long term relationships require serious work. They aren't always romantic dates and hot sex. But, sadly, this relationship never really was. It was always intellectually based, sort of matter-of-fact. I don't have butterflies-in-my-stomach memories of early relationship peaks to buoy me in this deep valley.
I'm so lost…
Despite all this, the doubts I had before marrying him have never dissipated. Although we were a beautiful match intellectually, there were red flags.
Before we were married we attended my best friend's wedding across the country. It didn't go well; he didn't mix well with others, coming off as awkward and maybe even aloof. I cried on the flight home. I remember discussing it with my friend later and saying "it's just that I want him to be the one at the party that I want to go home with." But he wasn't (not that there was someone else). This disappointment in social situations was not an isolated incident. But I just thought stress from other (temporary) things in his life prevented him from really relaxing. Or that my friend's wedding, for example, was just too overwhelming a situation for him.
My internal dialogue: He is a good man. We share many values. We can build a good life together. Every relationship has compromises, right? Nobody is perfect. This man wants to be with me and I should not let that go…even if I can see in my friends' faces that they just don't get it. Besides, we already told everybody we were getting married and it would just be too embarrassing to back track now. We can make this work. We'll grow together. My love will blossom.
I'm afraid it hasn't. At least not enough.
One major stumbling block is that we don't want the same things sexually. Let's just say that he wants something that my body did not come equipped to give him; something that I was willing to dabble in, but that I am not truly interested in. The very fact that he wants it is a turn off for me. I'm loathe to admit this is such an issue because I want to be an open-minded and accepting person. This isn't wrong, it's just what he desires. He can't help it. I've really tried to work with this for years. (I did know about this before we married, although the extent of his interest was not clear to me.) Before deciding to have children, we met with a sex therapist to make sure our relationship was solid. That seemed to get us to a good place; I thought we were OK. But it turned out that I had just learned new ways to suppress the doubts and discomfort that eventually resurfaced. It's just not my thing. I can't help it either.
Bottom line: there just isn't any physical chemistry here. I've been happier since we decided (at my behest) to take a sexual break six months ago. But then what kind of a marriage is this? We've been seeing a counselor, but I don't think it's helping.
It's been 10 years. We've been through so many phases and stages, and I've come to believe that my doubts will never go away. My inner voice will always sound disappointed. I feel so ashamed. I can make it go away for a while, but it comes back. It's like my life is built on this fundamental dishonesty and I can never feel right about it. And I find that this dishonestly holds me back in other relationships—how can I be a good friend when I'm not being real?—and that makes me even more miserable.
Leaving seems impossible, and not a happy prospect for any of us. But I don't know if staying is right either. I care about my husband deeply, of course, and I don't want to hurt him. And we have kids! Do I owe it to them to stick this out? I'm so torn and lost. My spirit is so diminished.
I've questioned whether I'm holding a juvenile delusion that the grass is greener elsewhere. But when I imagine us divorced, I see so much struggle and difficulty (at least at first). I don't see a fabulous single girl's life. But I do fantasize about what great co-parents we could be; about how we could amicably remain in each other's lives in a new way. And, yes, I do wonder if maybe someday I would meet someone to light my fire again. Someone to share the rest of my life with, because I do actually believe in marriage. I do see how amazing it can be to partner up for the long haul. And I know that a new man wouldn't be perfect either and that all long term relationships require serious work. They aren't always romantic dates and hot sex. But, sadly, this relationship never really was. It was always intellectually based, sort of matter-of-fact. I don't have butterflies-in-my-stomach memories of early relationship peaks to buoy me in this deep valley.
I'm so lost…
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