Hi everyone, I could certainly use some advice. I have been in a high-conflict marriage for 20 yrs. I am 45 and H is 51. We have three kids, 18, 16 and 12. After a really big blow up a few years ago that almost resulted in divorce, we have been trying to change and make things work better. I have also been trying to figure out why its so hard to get along with him. Thats how i found TAM.
As a result of reading some posts here, I bought a book on Borderline personality disorder. My husband has some of the traits, like cycling (silent treatment -blowup- nice, every 2 weeks or so), splitting, and raging, but not the others in significant quantity. The info was good for me. I am working on not taking his mood swings personally - or thinking that I can do anything to control them.
He found the book and was very personally offended that I think that he is "criminally insane". I first tried to tell him that it was for a class, which was a lie. This is something I do, try to minimize when he is mad about something, but it really doesn't work. Then I admitted the truth, that I was wondering if he had some of the characteristics described, does he want to look at the book with me. He just would not listen, but instead told me what I was thinking. Which was that he was insane, and I am the victim. Then he would not talk to me for a day.
The next day, he told me before I went to work that I could not go until we worked this out. He has a propensity for wanting to talk when its really inconvenient for me (like right after I have fallen asleep - his favorite), and this violates one of the boundaries I have identified since the big blow up. So I said no. When I got home, it was the usual drama, bringing up all the bad things I have ever done, and he asked me how much support I needed if he left because he could not live with a person like me. Then he backed down and asked me not to bring these kind of self help books in the house because he found them offensive, and I agreed.
After this he was very happy and nice.
This is a typical kind of fight for us. The thing that bothers me about our fights is the level of emotional intensity that comes with them. He found a book and it offended him. Why does this have to be a 10/10 sort of fight, where you bring out the big guns and threaten separation? I think it should be more like a 4/10. But I realize we don't seem to have any fights but 10/10 ones anymore. My blood pressure goes through the roof while it is going on because I am panicked that this is the end of life as I know it.
Intellectually I know he is not going to leave, he never has and probably never will. Intellectually I know this is just another fight. Emotionally I am in a panic, every time, though this happens every 2-3 weeks. If its not about a book it will be about the dust under the refrigerator or I didn't do something he wanted. All these things have deeper meaning to him that it is worth blowing everything up for. I understand that him doing this is a part of my life and I cant stop it from happening. How do I get control of myself and stop myself from doing the panic reaction? For my own mental well being, I need to tone it down and live a calmer and more peaceful life. Though I am more self aware than I used to be, telling my self to just "stop it" does not work!
Any suggestions? Thanks.
As a result of reading some posts here, I bought a book on Borderline personality disorder. My husband has some of the traits, like cycling (silent treatment -blowup- nice, every 2 weeks or so), splitting, and raging, but not the others in significant quantity. The info was good for me. I am working on not taking his mood swings personally - or thinking that I can do anything to control them.
He found the book and was very personally offended that I think that he is "criminally insane". I first tried to tell him that it was for a class, which was a lie. This is something I do, try to minimize when he is mad about something, but it really doesn't work. Then I admitted the truth, that I was wondering if he had some of the characteristics described, does he want to look at the book with me. He just would not listen, but instead told me what I was thinking. Which was that he was insane, and I am the victim. Then he would not talk to me for a day.
The next day, he told me before I went to work that I could not go until we worked this out. He has a propensity for wanting to talk when its really inconvenient for me (like right after I have fallen asleep - his favorite), and this violates one of the boundaries I have identified since the big blow up. So I said no. When I got home, it was the usual drama, bringing up all the bad things I have ever done, and he asked me how much support I needed if he left because he could not live with a person like me. Then he backed down and asked me not to bring these kind of self help books in the house because he found them offensive, and I agreed.
After this he was very happy and nice.
This is a typical kind of fight for us. The thing that bothers me about our fights is the level of emotional intensity that comes with them. He found a book and it offended him. Why does this have to be a 10/10 sort of fight, where you bring out the big guns and threaten separation? I think it should be more like a 4/10. But I realize we don't seem to have any fights but 10/10 ones anymore. My blood pressure goes through the roof while it is going on because I am panicked that this is the end of life as I know it.
Intellectually I know he is not going to leave, he never has and probably never will. Intellectually I know this is just another fight. Emotionally I am in a panic, every time, though this happens every 2-3 weeks. If its not about a book it will be about the dust under the refrigerator or I didn't do something he wanted. All these things have deeper meaning to him that it is worth blowing everything up for. I understand that him doing this is a part of my life and I cant stop it from happening. How do I get control of myself and stop myself from doing the panic reaction? For my own mental well being, I need to tone it down and live a calmer and more peaceful life. Though I am more self aware than I used to be, telling my self to just "stop it" does not work!
Any suggestions? Thanks.
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