I have never talked on forums (other than with our fertility issues), but I feel desperate for some input advice, suggestions on how to cope, anything.
Here's the situation.....
First, I would like to start out by saying I have never cheated on my husband and have never even thought about cheating on him. He has ALWAYS been insecure, although it seems to have come in waves over the years. We have been married for ten years now and have been together for around 13 years. It started when he was already involved in his career and I was in college. He pretty much made it to where I could not have any friends at all. (Although he would say that is not what he wanted for me, he treated me in such a way that it was just easier not to leave the house.)
I know my biggest mistake all along has been trying to walk on eggshells to keep him from feeling insecure about our relationship. At times he has seemed to improve, but I honestly wonder now if that is just because he had drifted apart from me and didn't really care that much anymore. Throughtout the past 9 years he has hurt me time and time again with false accusations, but we have gotten over them relatively quickly. He has always been somewhat controlling with the way I dress, etc, but it was to a level where I just put up with it.
Let me stop and say that without this fault he is a wonderful man. Kind, attractive, great personality, fun to be around, a great dad, but then the insecurities kick in and all that is out the window.
He is a very low fighter. He uses low blows to just crush my spirit. I find myself cussing more in our arguments and becomming more hateful out of defense and desperation, but that is really not who I am.
About 4 months ago I found out that I would be having a male co-worker (I am a teacher and softball coach and there was suddenly going to be a male on staff with us two women). I knew that my husband would be insecure about this and was afraid to tell him. I somehow let two weeks go by before he ended up asking "have they found someone to coach with y'all?" At that point, I told him and he reacted exactly the way I knew he would and called me a liar for not having already brought it up.
The last four months have been a living hell. He is so convinced that I "lied" to him about the guy coach and that I must have had something going on with him (I don't even know the guy by the way). After going through horrible daily fights I ended up quitting my softball position (something I was very excited about getting back into). I do have to say that during this time my husband began working on things that he knew he had been neglecting..... showing me more affection, trying to talk through things, etc. We would be closer than ever and then all of the sudden things would spiral out of control again. This was and pretty much still is happening on an almost dialy basis.
I still love him, we have two little kids, I want to go on having a happy life with him. At this point my sense of self is just going down and down. I can't wear too sexy of underwear, have to be very particular about what I pull out of the closet to wear in fear that he will blow up over me looking too good (I do NOT dress sexy, just like to feel decent about myself), and have to think twice about taking a shower (I must be getting clean for someone the next day - even though he gets to take showers every day).
I can't even go in a store to look around unless the kids are with me..... can't do ANYTHING unless the kids are with me. It leaves him being suspicious. I am finally to a point where I can't take it anymore, and no I am not saying I want to leave, but actually saying something HAS to change. I want to be able to feel like a "normal" person again. He also makes fun of this when I say "normal", I don't think I am expecting anything out of the ordinary.
I'm sorry this is so long. I am not wanting you to respond with "leave him". I would really like to know how to handle him treating me this way and what (if anything) I can do to help him make the neccessary changes. I know we could be very happy together, I see it all the time, in between him feeling insecure. Also, he blames me for doing things to make him worry, and does not realize that he is convincing himself of things. Then I get very defensive and upset and he says that must be because I am guilty.
Please help, I feel desperate and have no one to talk to. I really don't have any true friends and I am not willing to talk to family about this, although they would be there for me through anything. Thank you for listening, I just had to get this out, feel like I am drowning in it!
Here's the situation.....
First, I would like to start out by saying I have never cheated on my husband and have never even thought about cheating on him. He has ALWAYS been insecure, although it seems to have come in waves over the years. We have been married for ten years now and have been together for around 13 years. It started when he was already involved in his career and I was in college. He pretty much made it to where I could not have any friends at all. (Although he would say that is not what he wanted for me, he treated me in such a way that it was just easier not to leave the house.)
I know my biggest mistake all along has been trying to walk on eggshells to keep him from feeling insecure about our relationship. At times he has seemed to improve, but I honestly wonder now if that is just because he had drifted apart from me and didn't really care that much anymore. Throughtout the past 9 years he has hurt me time and time again with false accusations, but we have gotten over them relatively quickly. He has always been somewhat controlling with the way I dress, etc, but it was to a level where I just put up with it.
Let me stop and say that without this fault he is a wonderful man. Kind, attractive, great personality, fun to be around, a great dad, but then the insecurities kick in and all that is out the window.
He is a very low fighter. He uses low blows to just crush my spirit. I find myself cussing more in our arguments and becomming more hateful out of defense and desperation, but that is really not who I am.
About 4 months ago I found out that I would be having a male co-worker (I am a teacher and softball coach and there was suddenly going to be a male on staff with us two women). I knew that my husband would be insecure about this and was afraid to tell him. I somehow let two weeks go by before he ended up asking "have they found someone to coach with y'all?" At that point, I told him and he reacted exactly the way I knew he would and called me a liar for not having already brought it up.
The last four months have been a living hell. He is so convinced that I "lied" to him about the guy coach and that I must have had something going on with him (I don't even know the guy by the way). After going through horrible daily fights I ended up quitting my softball position (something I was very excited about getting back into). I do have to say that during this time my husband began working on things that he knew he had been neglecting..... showing me more affection, trying to talk through things, etc. We would be closer than ever and then all of the sudden things would spiral out of control again. This was and pretty much still is happening on an almost dialy basis.
I still love him, we have two little kids, I want to go on having a happy life with him. At this point my sense of self is just going down and down. I can't wear too sexy of underwear, have to be very particular about what I pull out of the closet to wear in fear that he will blow up over me looking too good (I do NOT dress sexy, just like to feel decent about myself), and have to think twice about taking a shower (I must be getting clean for someone the next day - even though he gets to take showers every day).
I can't even go in a store to look around unless the kids are with me..... can't do ANYTHING unless the kids are with me. It leaves him being suspicious. I am finally to a point where I can't take it anymore, and no I am not saying I want to leave, but actually saying something HAS to change. I want to be able to feel like a "normal" person again. He also makes fun of this when I say "normal", I don't think I am expecting anything out of the ordinary.
I'm sorry this is so long. I am not wanting you to respond with "leave him". I would really like to know how to handle him treating me this way and what (if anything) I can do to help him make the neccessary changes. I know we could be very happy together, I see it all the time, in between him feeling insecure. Also, he blames me for doing things to make him worry, and does not realize that he is convincing himself of things. Then I get very defensive and upset and he says that must be because I am guilty.
Please help, I feel desperate and have no one to talk to. I really don't have any true friends and I am not willing to talk to family about this, although they would be there for me through anything. Thank you for listening, I just had to get this out, feel like I am drowning in it!
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