My husband of 15 years just left me & our 14 yr old & 12 yr old 2 days ago. I'm the most lost, confused, overwhelmed, & scared I've ever been in my life at this moment. I'll just get right to the background.....
A couple of weeks ago I became suspicious that he was becoming attracted to a friend of mine. I didn't believe anything had happened yet, but due to my concerns I looked at his Facebook messages. Most communication started out innocently enough, but soon he was pressing for meeting her for breakfast or races. He was the one initiating all of the communication. It didn't seem like anything had happened yet, but it was uncomfortable enough for me that I asked him about it & made my feelings known that it wasn't acceptable & I wanted it to stop. Of course he made me sound like I was crazy, that of course it wasn't like that, she wasn't even his type, he was just trying to have a friend. I told him I was really uncomfortable with it & was worried something may develop. He begrudgingly agreed he would leave her alone. A few days later I was going through the cell phone bill & there was her number. I didn't even know he had her number. When he got home, I again confronted him. He told me he was coming home from work that day to tell me he was leaving anyway. He admitted to calling her that morning to profess his attraction to her & see where she stood. She turned him down. But he was still leaving me. He states that he is tired of living under "my rule", that he wants a new life, a different life. He wants to be free & do what he pleases, when he pleases & not have to explain himself to anyone. He isn't interested in pursuing the OW anymore, he just wants to be alone. He's made statements to me that suggest he's contemplated suicide. His plan at this time is to come home everyday from work to see the kids & hang out with them, but leave when it's time for a shower & bed. So in other words, he's kind of still "living" here, but only sleeping somewhere else??? This makes no sense to me!! Why leave then? What does he think separating is? Can't have your cake & eat it too!
Another issue is the fact that a few weeks ago he told me he's been on steroids for the last few months. This enrages me! He's been keeping secrets & doing something harmful to himself & hiding things! I told him this was unacceptable, that he needed to stop the drug use. He said he would, but in fact he has not. He even rubbed it in my face yesterday saying "i'm getting so big, I'm thinking I should start more hardcore stuff like HgH." Why??? Who is this person?!! WTF is going on??
He keeps saying that my being not ok with the steroids or the "friendship" with the OW is me being controlling & having too many boundaries & rules. I don't see that as controlling behavior, I see it as reasonable requests of one spouse to another.
He's opened up his own checking account & took our savings except for a couple hundred dollars to start it without telling me until after the fact. He's also gotten a PO box & new credit card without telling me until after the fact.
We have been going to counseling for the last couple of weeks. We were going for a couple of months, then moved to a new state. We stopped going after the move for a few months, but recently started again. He just told me a couple of weeks ago how happy he was & how he felt things between us were as close to perfect as they had ever been & he had no complaints on the marriage. How did we get here then? WTF happened??He has agreed to continue MC, but I'm not so sure it will last. For now, I'll take what I can get. He's been diagnosed with PTSD due to some severe childhood abuse/trauma. I'm afraid the steroid use is definitely not helping him think clearly, but he feels it doesn't affect anything other than his muscles getting bigger.
Any thoughts/advice? I never in a million years would have thought this would be us. I'm so panicked right now, my head is spinning. Thanks for reading.
A couple of weeks ago I became suspicious that he was becoming attracted to a friend of mine. I didn't believe anything had happened yet, but due to my concerns I looked at his Facebook messages. Most communication started out innocently enough, but soon he was pressing for meeting her for breakfast or races. He was the one initiating all of the communication. It didn't seem like anything had happened yet, but it was uncomfortable enough for me that I asked him about it & made my feelings known that it wasn't acceptable & I wanted it to stop. Of course he made me sound like I was crazy, that of course it wasn't like that, she wasn't even his type, he was just trying to have a friend. I told him I was really uncomfortable with it & was worried something may develop. He begrudgingly agreed he would leave her alone. A few days later I was going through the cell phone bill & there was her number. I didn't even know he had her number. When he got home, I again confronted him. He told me he was coming home from work that day to tell me he was leaving anyway. He admitted to calling her that morning to profess his attraction to her & see where she stood. She turned him down. But he was still leaving me. He states that he is tired of living under "my rule", that he wants a new life, a different life. He wants to be free & do what he pleases, when he pleases & not have to explain himself to anyone. He isn't interested in pursuing the OW anymore, he just wants to be alone. He's made statements to me that suggest he's contemplated suicide. His plan at this time is to come home everyday from work to see the kids & hang out with them, but leave when it's time for a shower & bed. So in other words, he's kind of still "living" here, but only sleeping somewhere else??? This makes no sense to me!! Why leave then? What does he think separating is? Can't have your cake & eat it too!
Another issue is the fact that a few weeks ago he told me he's been on steroids for the last few months. This enrages me! He's been keeping secrets & doing something harmful to himself & hiding things! I told him this was unacceptable, that he needed to stop the drug use. He said he would, but in fact he has not. He even rubbed it in my face yesterday saying "i'm getting so big, I'm thinking I should start more hardcore stuff like HgH." Why??? Who is this person?!! WTF is going on??
He keeps saying that my being not ok with the steroids or the "friendship" with the OW is me being controlling & having too many boundaries & rules. I don't see that as controlling behavior, I see it as reasonable requests of one spouse to another.
He's opened up his own checking account & took our savings except for a couple hundred dollars to start it without telling me until after the fact. He's also gotten a PO box & new credit card without telling me until after the fact.
We have been going to counseling for the last couple of weeks. We were going for a couple of months, then moved to a new state. We stopped going after the move for a few months, but recently started again. He just told me a couple of weeks ago how happy he was & how he felt things between us were as close to perfect as they had ever been & he had no complaints on the marriage. How did we get here then? WTF happened??He has agreed to continue MC, but I'm not so sure it will last. For now, I'll take what I can get. He's been diagnosed with PTSD due to some severe childhood abuse/trauma. I'm afraid the steroid use is definitely not helping him think clearly, but he feels it doesn't affect anything other than his muscles getting bigger.
Any thoughts/advice? I never in a million years would have thought this would be us. I'm so panicked right now, my head is spinning. Thanks for reading.
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