Didn't even realize how bad it is

I am realizing how bad my relationship with my husband is. I mean, I knew it was bad. No fun, no love, no sex, fighting, negativity, etc. I believe it's affecting our kids. No matter how pleasant I try to be, I do not like myself when I'm around my husband. My husband has long been verbally abusive and passive aggressive. The biggest problem is that I didn't realize that he was until about 2 years ago. Then it hit me, all of a sudden, that the "relationship" I was in was a farce. I grew up in a home with a bipolar father and grandmother and my mother passed when I was 12. I didn't really have a sense of normal/healthy if that makes sense. My biggest issue is that we have two children, ages 5 years and 18 months. My husband has many issues, including the fact that he is refusing to look for a job, spends many hours a week gambling online with fantasy sports (and even just playing fantasy sports), and does little housework/cooking. I work full-time as a physician assistant to support our family and I return home exhausted. The kids are yet to be bathed or dinner made. It's maddening. He used to work, but after my son was born, we thought he's stay home for a few months since I made more money than he, and he wanted to stay home a few months...it's now over a year later and he's still not back to work. Previously he lost his job due to tardiness when I was a PA student because he had to take our daughter to daycare. He couldn't make it to work on time, blaming her as "difficult." Nothing is ever his fault. I am to the point of divorce, though I still hesitate due to my kids. I feel "done" though, a point I never thought I'd get to. My therapist says that he has been verbally abusive and passive aggressive for so long that I didn't even realize it was abnormal. He takes no accountability or responsibility. I even asked him to bathe our son yesterday while I was at work. He had all day and even with his father there and daughter in school, failed to even do that one thing. Our relationship has deteriorated so much that I believe it's affecting our ability to be the best parents we can be. I have counseled with attorneys who mostly advise me to wait until he gets a job to file for divorce. I just don't know how much longer I can take this. I don't have the money saved up for a retainer, so I have to work on that. But I don't make enough alone to save money -- just enough to cover bills really. You'd think as a PA I'd make enough, but really, it's just not enough because I pay for everything. I'm not sure the point of this except to say that I'm sad my marriage is a farce. I am happy that I have two wonderful kids, but sad for what could have been. I don't feel that marriage counseling would help us. I don't think he's a good person and I don't want to be with him. He is depressed, yet has let his family down. I was extremely depressed a few months ago before I left a very bad job, but had to pick it up and go on. I'm sad that he doesn't see that he has let his family down and I feel like, if he doesn't get that, we could never "work." So I guess I'm just sad about the pain this divorce will cause, yet hopeful about the future. I am a wonderful person and everyone but he and his family see that. I'm the "bad guy" to them because I went outside the role of a "homemaker" and had a career. Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm having a mild catharsis reading all of your stories.

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