Being worthy of orgasm...

It has come to my attention that this is the inception of my sexual issues - feeling worthy of orgasm. I don't. I believe I have several misconceptions at play. 1) Every woman in the world has easier orgasms than I do. 2) It is too much bother for anyone - specifically H of course. 3) My body is broken, I cannot trust it, specifically issues dealing with sexual/reproductive organs. But also not limited to weight, etc. This last issue dates back to puberty - so 30 years. I persued my first orgasm with my husband relentlessly - believing it would heal me of my misconceptions. Believing that if I could reach the summit I would become like other women, who have been orgasming for decades with no issues. This was really the basis of my faking for so many years. I did not feel worthy of the trouble. Instead of faking I now find myself avoiding sex and pulling the plug early in the game. My husband has never been very open talking about sex, this complements my fantasy world in which I can put all kinds of words in his mouth - generally about me being too much trouble and why didn't he end up with someone else who gets off and leaves him alone. I did raise the issue over the weekend by asking how much time did he think was too long to try and voicing that I felt myself getting more anxious about sex lately and felt it was short circuiting my response. I did not get a lot of conversation back, however, mostly a perplexed look. Of course I did not press him because - lets all repeat in unison - I felt like it was not worth he trouble. I question if I will ever be healed of this affliction. I find myself wishing I could just be in a new relationship, just having a new start. Of course these are just fantasies and in reality I know this issue would follow me wherever I went. I have continued therapy since May for this issue and I have reached an understanding of how I came to be this way. However I seem to have becomes tangled in the baggage of it. Its reached the point where every therapy session is the same. Yes, I realize I have an unreasonable understanding. Yes, I recognize the steps it took to reach this point. Yes, I realize I need to reach a paradigm shift. Yes, I can pretend I am my friend and what I would say to myself. And yet I remain pressed against this wall of fear and frustration and helplessness. I find myself unable to move forward. I think maybe if my husband would be more forceful and more reassuring... but then perhaps I only wish this because I want to be relieved of the responsibility. I'm not struggling with him as much as I'm struggling with my own self. I fear I will never be healed, friends.

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