We've been married for almost 2 years, and we rushed in to a relationship and then marriage very quickly. Things were great for a while, and then we started having really serious problems.
For one thing, I've always had a problem with drinking. At times I managed to keep it relatively under control, but I'm an alcoholic. She sort of just excused that for a while, but eventually it got on her nerves.
I would ask her to do things like help out around the house. I do all the cooking, grocery shopping, manage all the finances and I usually end up doing a majority of the housework as well in addition to having a full time job. She would really resist helping, do things terribly slowly, say she was too tired... pretty much do anything she could to get out of helping. She became resistive to doing anything I asked for basically. If I said "Help me with the laundry" she wouldn't just say NO, she'd find something else that would prevent her from doing it or she would fold 1 small basket of laundry in an hour so I would end up doing all of it myself.
I hate messy spaces, I feel really anxious when my house is dirty, I get highly agitated, it's just really bad for me. So I started constantly nagging her about housework she had agreed on doing, really getting overly pushy about it and rather mean. I threatened divorce repeatedly and said that I shouldn't have to be responsible for all of the work, that we needed to each do our part. This would cause huge fights where lots of other issue would get brought up and eventually... I became abusive. Not punching or beating sort of thing (I'm not attempting to minimize, just clarify), but I grabbed her inappropriately or shoved her on multiple occasions. This would happen, then I would apologize and she would say that it was fine and it would all be ok. Time would pass and it wouldn't happen for a while, but then again it would.
Finally about a month or so ago she put her foot down. We argued and I finally said that she was right and I really needed to get help. We went to a couples counselling and we didn't mention the abuse. Just sort of talked about some other problems. I think we were both scared to make the jump.
I've started AA (I really do want to quit drinking), I'm going to see the therapist (same one as the couples counselling) on my own, and we have more counselling appointments coming up. I'm willing to do just about anything to save the marriage.
Suddenly she's started saying she thinks that maybe our personalities are just incompatible and that we bring out the worst in each other. I don't think that's true. I think I have a terribly destructive anger problem and I need help. She says "You're also bipolar and what if you can never get it under control". I'm willing to go to whatever length I need to. I know I may need a change in medication,or even to go to a program of some sort to help people who are abusive and want to stop.
Sometimes she says she's willing to save it, then sometimes she says she's not sure.
Separation is impossible for us for financial reasons, and also because her family is very conservative religious and would badger her about it and she would have to tell them why. Once that happens I will be outcast from her family and never permitted to be be involved again, and she's very involved with her family. It would be a deal breaker for both of us.
To add another element she began talking to an ex of hers online that she hadn't spoken to in a few years. The conversations became inappropriate, I found out about it and asked for her to stop talking to him because she obviously still had some feelings for him and that wasn't healthy for us.
She flatly says no, that she'll just keep the conversation from being inappropriate in the future and that her feelings for him are just flirtation and residual because he contacted her. He lives overseas and never has intentions to come back to the US and her career is tied to her family so it's stationary in this city. She says that means she can't cheat. The conversations made it clear that he was interested in camera sex and other types of online sex stuff. She says she wouldn't do that (but used to do it with them because they had a long term relationship). She also says that that was my fault because I pushed her away.
I'm really uncomfortable with her continuing contact since she already broke trust and initiated the inappropriate conversations. She says that he used to be one of her best friends and he's helped her through things and she needs support, and that my wanting her to not contact him is me attempting to control her. She has lots of guy friends online and in real life, and none of that bothers me or has ever bothered me.
I don't know what to do. I want to save this, but I know I really was the one who caused it to be broken.
She says it doesn't matter what she's done because I was abusive. I tell her that I know how awful that was and that I will never do it again and am actively getting help specifically for that issue, but that when something comes up and I say "This is bad, come on don't do that" it isn't good to say "You did bad things, I get to do my bad things now".
She says she's willing to try most of the time. It's just whenever I bring up something negative on her end she immediately switches to "Maybe this is just too broken".
We both admit that we really love each other, that we're very attracted to each other, we still even have sex regularly throughout this.
Is a marriage ever just too broken to fix if both parties are willing to try?
I'm so confused and scared. I really want to not only get help and get better, but save this at the same time.
I know this is long and sort of disjointed, I just wanted to try to get all these thoughts down.
For one thing, I've always had a problem with drinking. At times I managed to keep it relatively under control, but I'm an alcoholic. She sort of just excused that for a while, but eventually it got on her nerves.
I would ask her to do things like help out around the house. I do all the cooking, grocery shopping, manage all the finances and I usually end up doing a majority of the housework as well in addition to having a full time job. She would really resist helping, do things terribly slowly, say she was too tired... pretty much do anything she could to get out of helping. She became resistive to doing anything I asked for basically. If I said "Help me with the laundry" she wouldn't just say NO, she'd find something else that would prevent her from doing it or she would fold 1 small basket of laundry in an hour so I would end up doing all of it myself.
I hate messy spaces, I feel really anxious when my house is dirty, I get highly agitated, it's just really bad for me. So I started constantly nagging her about housework she had agreed on doing, really getting overly pushy about it and rather mean. I threatened divorce repeatedly and said that I shouldn't have to be responsible for all of the work, that we needed to each do our part. This would cause huge fights where lots of other issue would get brought up and eventually... I became abusive. Not punching or beating sort of thing (I'm not attempting to minimize, just clarify), but I grabbed her inappropriately or shoved her on multiple occasions. This would happen, then I would apologize and she would say that it was fine and it would all be ok. Time would pass and it wouldn't happen for a while, but then again it would.
Finally about a month or so ago she put her foot down. We argued and I finally said that she was right and I really needed to get help. We went to a couples counselling and we didn't mention the abuse. Just sort of talked about some other problems. I think we were both scared to make the jump.
I've started AA (I really do want to quit drinking), I'm going to see the therapist (same one as the couples counselling) on my own, and we have more counselling appointments coming up. I'm willing to do just about anything to save the marriage.
Suddenly she's started saying she thinks that maybe our personalities are just incompatible and that we bring out the worst in each other. I don't think that's true. I think I have a terribly destructive anger problem and I need help. She says "You're also bipolar and what if you can never get it under control". I'm willing to go to whatever length I need to. I know I may need a change in medication,or even to go to a program of some sort to help people who are abusive and want to stop.
Sometimes she says she's willing to save it, then sometimes she says she's not sure.
Separation is impossible for us for financial reasons, and also because her family is very conservative religious and would badger her about it and she would have to tell them why. Once that happens I will be outcast from her family and never permitted to be be involved again, and she's very involved with her family. It would be a deal breaker for both of us.
To add another element she began talking to an ex of hers online that she hadn't spoken to in a few years. The conversations became inappropriate, I found out about it and asked for her to stop talking to him because she obviously still had some feelings for him and that wasn't healthy for us.
She flatly says no, that she'll just keep the conversation from being inappropriate in the future and that her feelings for him are just flirtation and residual because he contacted her. He lives overseas and never has intentions to come back to the US and her career is tied to her family so it's stationary in this city. She says that means she can't cheat. The conversations made it clear that he was interested in camera sex and other types of online sex stuff. She says she wouldn't do that (but used to do it with them because they had a long term relationship). She also says that that was my fault because I pushed her away.
I'm really uncomfortable with her continuing contact since she already broke trust and initiated the inappropriate conversations. She says that he used to be one of her best friends and he's helped her through things and she needs support, and that my wanting her to not contact him is me attempting to control her. She has lots of guy friends online and in real life, and none of that bothers me or has ever bothered me.
I don't know what to do. I want to save this, but I know I really was the one who caused it to be broken.
She says it doesn't matter what she's done because I was abusive. I tell her that I know how awful that was and that I will never do it again and am actively getting help specifically for that issue, but that when something comes up and I say "This is bad, come on don't do that" it isn't good to say "You did bad things, I get to do my bad things now".
She says she's willing to try most of the time. It's just whenever I bring up something negative on her end she immediately switches to "Maybe this is just too broken".
We both admit that we really love each other, that we're very attracted to each other, we still even have sex regularly throughout this.
Is a marriage ever just too broken to fix if both parties are willing to try?
I'm so confused and scared. I really want to not only get help and get better, but save this at the same time.
I know this is long and sort of disjointed, I just wanted to try to get all these thoughts down.
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