I have major depression and my husband doesn't know how to handle it, and it's making everything harder.
I was diagnosed with depression years ago and struggled with it off and on, but nothing near as bad as the last 6 months or so have been. We had our first child almost a year ago so that probably contributed to it... but I'm getting to a breaking point. The worst part about this recent bout of depression is that the *utter* sexual aversion I have towards my husband... or anyone, really; we had a fairly healthy sex life before, but now I'm pretty much disgusted by it. It wasn't immediately after the baby, either... it was maybe 4-6 months afterwards; no changes on my husband's part or anything. Pretty much I was just suddenly totally grossed out by sex. I don't even want to be touched. I've never been a very touchy-feely person, but I think because my husband rarely touches me in non-sexual ways, I'm afraid to be touched at all. When I started seeing a therapist, I wasn't surprised at all that he asked me if I'd been sexually abused in the past as that's how I'm reacting now, but I haven't.
Understandably, my husband feels abandoned, lonely and rejected. He "understands" what I'm going through, sort of, but he just doesn't know how to handle it. I give him sex or whatever when he needs it physically but we both know I'm just going through the motions. He misses the intimacy and I don't blame him at all.
And he tells me all the time. He's constantly telling me he loves me, he misses me, he wants to hold me, etc. He's very physical and touchy. All of this makes me feel worse and drives me away... I guess because I feel inadequate. What am I supposed to say when he says he misses me? I don't miss him! I wish I did, but I just want space. He knows I can't stand being touched but he does it anyway.
I'm working on finding medication and in therapy but this will be a very long road for me. We're looking into couples therapy whenever we're able to afford it... but what's the right thing to do? It seems lose-lose... either I let him express those things, which still doesn't accomplish much, and feel guilty because I can't satisfy him, or he suffers in silence and doesn't even get to say how he feels. He wants to help, but he's suffering too, and the only thing that "helps" me is for him to leave me alone, which makes him miserable... what do you do???
I was diagnosed with depression years ago and struggled with it off and on, but nothing near as bad as the last 6 months or so have been. We had our first child almost a year ago so that probably contributed to it... but I'm getting to a breaking point. The worst part about this recent bout of depression is that the *utter* sexual aversion I have towards my husband... or anyone, really; we had a fairly healthy sex life before, but now I'm pretty much disgusted by it. It wasn't immediately after the baby, either... it was maybe 4-6 months afterwards; no changes on my husband's part or anything. Pretty much I was just suddenly totally grossed out by sex. I don't even want to be touched. I've never been a very touchy-feely person, but I think because my husband rarely touches me in non-sexual ways, I'm afraid to be touched at all. When I started seeing a therapist, I wasn't surprised at all that he asked me if I'd been sexually abused in the past as that's how I'm reacting now, but I haven't.
Understandably, my husband feels abandoned, lonely and rejected. He "understands" what I'm going through, sort of, but he just doesn't know how to handle it. I give him sex or whatever when he needs it physically but we both know I'm just going through the motions. He misses the intimacy and I don't blame him at all.
And he tells me all the time. He's constantly telling me he loves me, he misses me, he wants to hold me, etc. He's very physical and touchy. All of this makes me feel worse and drives me away... I guess because I feel inadequate. What am I supposed to say when he says he misses me? I don't miss him! I wish I did, but I just want space. He knows I can't stand being touched but he does it anyway.
I'm working on finding medication and in therapy but this will be a very long road for me. We're looking into couples therapy whenever we're able to afford it... but what's the right thing to do? It seems lose-lose... either I let him express those things, which still doesn't accomplish much, and feel guilty because I can't satisfy him, or he suffers in silence and doesn't even get to say how he feels. He wants to help, but he's suffering too, and the only thing that "helps" me is for him to leave me alone, which makes him miserable... what do you do???
No comments:
Post a Comment