I'm confused as ****. If your willing to help, be warned this is a long story.
So I'm 18 now but this started when I was about 14. Basically for the last year I'd be trying to get a boyfriend. I just really wanted to know it was like really; I'm a real romantic so I wanted to know what love was like and I always assumed I was into guys so went down that route. But one day I suddenly had a weird urge to kiss one of my female friends. It stressed me the **** out for a long time because it would happen a lot. I wasn't especially attracted to the girl in question; I'm pretty sure I just wanted to try it in a sort of "What would happen if I did?" way. I eventually broke down and told my mum who thought I was going through a phase which really took a load off my mind. It started to happen less and I thought nothing of it.
Now I'm 18 and I've still never so much as been kissed. However when I'm drunk I tend to want to kiss whoever is with me; this is rarely guys as I have very few guy friends having gone to a girls school and not interacted with them much. They were always kind of a foreign species in my younger teenage years. However, the occasion I have been around guys I've still wanted to do it if I found them decent looking. This alone gets a lot of questions out of me. Like, does it mean I have lower standards for girls because I'm more interested in them? Or does it mean I'm actually thinking about looks with guys because my drunk mind thinks it could lead to something? It gets weirder when I'm sober. This is going to sound like I'm in denial but believe me I've thought about this a lot. Basically I find myself thinking more girls are pretty than guys are good looking. Yet I'm not attracted to many of the girls I think are pretty whereas I'm attracted to all the guys I find good looking. Essentially it works out an equal amount of both I'm attracted to.
There's also confusion in how I respond to sex scenes in shows and films. 3 years ago I found the heterosexual stuff new and exciting. But over the years now it's just like same old same old. However I recently started watching Orange Is The New Black and I got that same feeling for the lesbian scenes in there. Though as time has went on that's starting to fade for the most part too.
Finally there's how I actually think of sex. I'm more romantically into kissing guys and sexually into kissing girls though the former dabbles in sexually sometimes. The idea of actually sleeping with a girl kind of grosses me out whereas the idea of sleeping with a guy I'm a bit more keen on. I don't know about everything in between because I so rarely see it being done in shows in heterosexual situations to a girl. It's always her giving him a blow job or a hand job.
Overall I do think sometimes maybe I'm in denial but when I try and say to myself, "You're a lesbian; you're attracted to girls. Don't freak out; just come out" I just don't want to. Like I feel like I don't know so can't confirm and if I did come out, if I found myself attracted to a guy and started dating him people would just think I'm still in denial. I feel more correct saying "I like both" but sometimes I think my mind is warped enough to think it'd be easier that way. But should I have to make a choice? Advice?
Put the internet to work for you.
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